There was no act, only intense rage written into the wrinkles of Beau's snarling lips. The smile was gone. Admittedly, after seeing it, I began to think that I preferred Beau with that smile.

“You were snooping?” he growled.

Taking a menacing step forward, he broke into my space, uncaring if I had four inches on him or not. In that moment, I was small and he towered over me with the intent to defend himself like a cornered beast.

“It’s not like I tried to snoop! I was taking a walk and saw you two.” I explained just as he ripped his wrist from me.

“And you stood by to listen, which is snooping.”

“I saw you two holding hands and was surprised!”

That wasn’t good to bring up. Beau cracked his neck to the side. The sound was louder than thunder.

“Surprised?” he asked. “Don’t you mean amused?”

That confused me. Beau gave no time to voice that confusion. The misunderstanding grew to astronomical proportions when he shoved me. I stumbled, now glaring right back.

“Are you happy now?” he hissed, advancing towards me with clenched fists. “This must be your dream, having something to hold over my head.”

“What? No!”

“Your little group of friends will have a good laugh tonight. I imagine the whole town will know before our vacation ends.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” I hollered, giving a shove of my own. Beau was startled enough to trip over his feet. He narrowly avoided landing on his ass.

“Don’t fucking accuse me of being the type of person to out someone! How much of an asshole do you think I am?” I hissed.

“Do you really want me to answer that?” The anger suddenly diminished, as if someone had rebuilt the cracked dam in Beau’s mind. The river of anger was held back, but for how long?

His arms rested listlessly at his sides, lips turned into a deep frown when he whispered, “Come on, Devin, we always try to one up each other. We walk all over one another every chance we get and now you have the chance to ruin everything for me.”

Beau slowly shattered before my eyes. Wasn’t he the one with a stone cold facade? Then why was he so obvious then; eyes brimming with tears and his entire body shivering.

His voice broke when he spoke, “You could tell my parents and...and maybe they would understand, or maybe they’ll be so disappointed that their only child is gay. Tell my friends and, suddenly, I may not have friends anymore. Tell our little backwater town and I’ll never be able to show my face again without fear that someone will hurt me, or do much worse. Isn’t that what you want? For me to leave and never come back. So isn’t this the best opportunity for you?”

“No, it’s not!”

Beau flinched. There was an argument building judging on the shaking of his fists. He was cornered and lashing out, I understood that. I was beginning to feel the same way; ashamed of myself to make him feel that way, but also ashamed of him for thinking so little of me. He was right though, and he had every right to think that way, but I didn’t want him to. Not then, not when there was more we had in common, more than he realized.

“I’m not going to tell. I’ll never tell, not to my friends or the town or our parents. Only you have the right to come out when and how you see fit just—” The words caught in my throat, but when watching Beau’s shoulders slowly relax, I suddenly wanted to know what that was like. To relax.

To tell someone.

“I know it’s tough when it feels like there’s no one to talk to.”

To know what it’s like to have someone to talk to, even if that someone is Beau.

“Just like it’s my right to come out when and how I want to,” I whispered, incapable of watching his reaction so I focused on the sand. The sand that was taken from my vision when his legs came into view.

“Devin,” he called. The sound caved in around me. “You’re not—” he cleared his throat. “...you’re not messing with me, are you?”

“Is this something to mess around about?” I grumbled.

“So you’re…?”

“I don’t like specifics,” I answered honestly because that was the first time I ever spoke of this out loud. The truth spilled out like water from a broken faucet; “I’m only eighteen for fucks sake. It feels like so much pressure, as if I have to throw a label on myself to be listened to or respected.”

Suddenly, I felt exposed, as if someone had peeled off more than my clothes. They removed my very skin, leaving the nerves bare to pluck like crying guitar strings until they snapped.

I gripped my own bicep, uncaring of the bruising pressure when I spoke, “I researched, hoping to find someone that felt similar and I did find quite a bit. Demisexual seemed pretty close, needing some type of emotional connection prior to sexual attraction, but at the same time all the specifics and the labels were daunting and terrifying. I felt like I was becoming an identity rather than a person.”

Sometime during the rant, I sat down. Fallen was probably a better description. Beau followed. The sand was cool beneath my hands. They were shaking, or maybe my entire body was. I wasn’t sure because I watched the water. I almost hoped it’d wash me out with the waves.

“Labels feel like someone’s choking me,” I explained. “I’m glad there’s an identity that rings so true with some people that it makes them feel safe, seen, understood, but that isn’t the case for me. I don’t want to slap my sexuality on my profile or even wear it on my clothes. Some make it seem like you’re lesser because of that, like you aren’t queer enough, or assume you aren’t queer at all because you aren’t screaming about it from the rooftops. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be an identity. I’m Devin.”

I slapped my own chest, twisting my fingers into my shirt. “I’m Devin first. There’s a lot to me, and only I will determine if you’re someone I want to tell or not. That’s my choice and it should always be my choice.”

“You’re right,” he said.

The response built up the courage to finally face him, surprised to find not a glare or some face of annoyance, but rather a soft smile. A smile different from the one with Johnny, a reminder that a person has many sides to them and even Beau hadn’t revealed all of his. For the first time, I wanted to see them, each and every one.

Beau’s smiles made me greedy.

“If you don’t want to label yourself, whether it’s only now or forever, that’s entirely up to you. You’re not suddenly any less valid, Devin,” he said like it was a fact, like no one in the world could argue against him and therefore couldn’t argue against me. I took a breath and wondered if I had ever really known how to properly breathe before then.

Beau was the person I claimed to hate the most. He was also the person that made me the most relieved. That was a truth I had kept to myself, that I never considered sharing, but I did on a random night with my so-called enemy on the beach.

We were quiet for a while. Only the ocean kept us company until Beau asked, “Have you told anyone else, like, your friends at school?”

“Nope. Have you?”

“No.”

“Ah...c-cool.”

“Yeah...cool.”

The waves were loud or maybe we were too quiet. My skin broke out with goosebumps. Were they from the breeze or my feelings? Wasn’t sure, didn’t want to find out either.

“We should head back,” I said with a clear of my throat.

My legs were wobbly when I stood. Neither of us mentioned the obvious nerves in my movements, or the fact that I held out my hand for him that he easily took.

The walk to the hotel was quiet, but oddly comforting. There was no argument on who got the first shower. Beau easily let me go first. By the time he finished, I was already in bed. The mattress dipped when he joined, probably thinking I was already asleep based on how quiet he was.

That night, there was a little less space between us on the bed, perhaps even in our minds…

And maybe in our hearts too.