An iced inhale jerked me to consciousness. My mind thralled by yearning and disbelief slowed me to the fact that the gentle whine of agony breaking into the silence was my own. I didn’t even realize, until tender hands hurried to rub a soft substance along the sides of my head, how close I sat to the door of death once more. The warmth forced into me by the last application of cream had been replaced by an artic winter’s frigidity steadily shutting down all the functions of my body. My struggling lungs took softer and softer breaths before the familiar push of the medicine raised me just above the dangerous waters of my situation.

My logical thoughts snapping out of their detached fuzz, I sighed as my chest eagerly welcomed air again. Just another day, huh?

The third day, to be exact. There I lay, bundled in a bassinet at the end of a line of other bassinets containing my siblings. I was hardly the only one requiring constant attention to stave off a premature demise. Lucian’s staggered, rapid inhales a few minutes later put him through a care process identical to mine. Such was why this portion of the healing wing had been modified into a makeshift living area for our family. A giant block of dark gray made up the bed placed here where Mother rested. Faced with a long recovery herself, she leaned over to stroke my head and Lucian’s before groaning and lounging back into her pillows.

Her name was Renira Sophronia Everlaine, the oldest daughter of her noble house. She held the position of wife to the crown prince and our father, Eagan Weston of Solstice— the Kingdom of Sun. My unexplained and steadily growing comprehension of the new language had me piecing together the information, but it helped that earlier this morning Father cooed to us some history and knowledge of this world, Evthea, and our family as his excited introduction for us into this life. His readiness to teach us was cute even if it confused me. Father attended to our needs so diligently. Didn’t royalty and nobles leave such care to the healers, nannies, or maids?

The healer who’d helped Lucian and me was checking on Mother as I drifted back off. My weak body couldn’t stay awake for long, but the truth was I sought out my dreams on purpose, for it was in them I believed myself truly awake. How was I supposed to accept any of this was real? Aliens certainly existed, what with the incomprehensible vastness of the universe. Yet...to die only to be reborn moments later as an infant princess on a new planet with all my memories intact? That was the kind of bizarre concept a dream would have, perhaps if one had recently been hospitalized and was, say, in a coma.

So many of my resting illusions began using that premise. I’d wake in a hospital bed with Mom and Dad nearby, showing me nothing but big smiles as soon as my eyes opened. They’d hug and kiss me until I laughed while praising me for finding the strength to rise.

I often craved to stand underneath the endless rows of pomegranate trees once more, and beneath the peaceful shaded boughs pocketing streams of golden sunlight from above I’d soon find myself. Ike and Phoebe would race the sweet, wafting wind to leap into my arms where I would profess my love for them until my voice went hoarse.

Other times when I thought too much of Charlie and his black hair, deep cobalt eyes, and the pine scent of his shaving cream I’d relive the time we almost went for it, only for him to reveal he liked guys while I revealed I didn’t need that from him. We’d fallen asleep tangled close regardless, and there, embraced in his arms when I woke, I cried. The freedom of just being able to love someone I loved without being in love or requiring sexual intimacy had released some sort of burden I hadn’t known existed.

This rest, nothing went right. Comforting nothingness held me for only a short while before sniffles caught my ears. Shape and sight soon manifested where Mom sat on our living room couch crying. Her stifled sobs abruptly morphed to heartbroken wails as Father, drooped upon the old armchair that housed many snuggled reading sessions, blocked out the world with his head hung low and tears pushing past his palms pressed to cover his face. From nowhere and everywhere Charlie’s shout for me to stay in the cafeteria reverberated. Echoes of gunshots followed, and with each the crying and calling grew louder until it burst.

“What...it, little one?” Mother cooed at my piercing cry.

I’d woken up as Evianna, and this time I couldn’t deny her. I screamed out the stabbing anguish far worse than any physical hurt as all at once doubt fled and reality crashed hard. Time had slowly and secretly unwound the string tethering my delusions to leave my hopes facing home flying upwards out of sight as it snapped and as I fell. Mother gingerly stood and returned to us to the bed with me cuddled upon her chest, but I didn’t want her. I wanted my mom. I needed to hug her and tell her I was fine. I had to apologize for leaping out. While I didn’t regret saving that girl, how could I ever live with the fact I’d doomed my own family to such unending heartbreak?

“It’s alright. It’s alright, little Evi. It has...be so frightening. Not knowing...to sleep. Not knowing...why...hurts. You have...hope that everything...is safe.” Mother spoke soothing words as she pressed her cheek against mine, stroking my head with her other hand. With a kiss on my forehead, she curled her legs to her chest to enclose me in her complete cocoon of warmth and security. My crying began to cease. “You don’t...have to worry. I’m right here. I love you so much. I...terrified you...wouldn’t make it. Had...clue...you were there, but...can’t imagine...feel...losing you. Can’t...lose you. If you keep trying, I’ll...protect with...everything of me. So, don’t worry. I’m right here. I love you.”

My whines turned into fussing that turned into sniffles. The grief of recognizing what I’d lost hadn’t faded, but as Mother smiled, kissed me again, and hummed a lovely lullaby a new, comforting warmth nestled around the pain. It whispered softly that even though the ache for what’d been left behind would never leave, I’d find, and did find, relief and happiness in still having the vast love I’d had before.