I fall back on my bed, staring up at my ceiling. The ride home hadn’t done much to take my mind off what had happened in the locker-room. I saw something I shouldn’t have and Lianna took pictures. She knew what she was doing, dragging me along, but I don’t know what she has planned. Those pictures…she could ruin Zoey and Jack with them.
There’s a knock at the door. I say come in.
It’s Mom and by the look on her face, she’s here to shit on my already depressing day.
“Hey, honey. How was school?”
“It was fine.”
There’s nothing better she could say to me. Her words, empty air, are floating around my head. I turn away, staring out the window like I’ve done the day before. My world has changed so much since then. First, Lianna had been no one I cared to think about. Secondly, she’d broken the wall between us and now I know her and she knows me. Thirdly, she’s involved me with her wrongdoings. She’s pulled me into her world without thinking whether I want to be a part of it.
Did I?
I swallow and try to ease my racing heart. Even when we were miles apart, I can feel her against me. The moment her skin touched mine I felt my body awaken in a terrifying way. It’s the kind of awakening I only heard in a mocking way toward romance novels. They talk about love, sex, lust, and passion, but I never thought it could be true.
Horror racks me. Lianna has done something to me. She’s changed me in ways I never wanted to be changed.
Mom sits on the edge of my bed and pats my leg. I lay my head on my hand, looking down at her. She gives me a weak smile.
“We’ve got some news…”
News meaning a shit storm.
I can see it on her face. She hates that she has to be the one to tell me. There have been arguments, where Mom and Dad have whispered to each other in a way that meant I should stay out of it. I have, hiding in my room with my hands over my ears. It isn’t necessary. They weren’t yelling. Knowing they’re fighting makes it worse than hearing it.
I like those times. They drown out the other screaming voices, the ones that remind me innocence can be taken.
I blink away the oncoming tears. She will think they are for her when they’re for someone who died long ago.
“We made last month’s payment, but we’re still behind this month,” she says, patting me again. She pauses. “Um, we came to an agreement.”
She meets my eyes.
“We’re renting out the spare bedroom.”
I freeze. “Oh.”
The spare bedroom has never been used, not even when Mom went through an exercising faze. I don’t know how I feel about having a stranger in our house. But if that’s what she needed to tell me, it’s better news than everything else going on in my life.
Liza is pushing me away and Lianna is pushing her way in.
I wince.
“Are you okay?” Mom reaches out and touches my face. I look into her eyes and I want to tell her no. I want to tell her nothing is okay and that I’m falling to pieces. Why can’t she see that and why is no one doing anything? Why is it me?
It’s all in my head, twisting itself around me. It’s caging me in until I can’t breathe. I hate that it was worse before Lianna came into my life. I hate that I think I can somehow fix it by running away from the people in my life. It’s all I know now. It’s all I can do to keep myself waking up each morning when all I want to do is fade into black.
But I hang on.
Mom might think it is because of her. She might not know what I’m thinking or what I’m going through, but she still thinks it has something to do with her and Dad. I don’t know why I let them believe the lie or why I sometimes believe it too. Maybe I like to hurt myself as much as I hate the pain. I sometimes think I’m addicted to misery.
“I’m okay,” I say. “Have you found someone to move in?”
She nods, pulling her hand away. The warmth is quickly replaced by chilly air. The window is foggy and the sun has died. “A woman called last week. She’s moving in with her daughter.”
Two people.
“Well,” I say. I cut it there.
Mom keeps staring at me. I can feel her judgment. She’s trying to analyze me. She doesn’t have to try so hard. A blind person could tell I’m sad.
“I’m going to sleep.”
I’m not, but I want her to leave. She does. She’s a ghost, drifting back to the world outside my room.
I live in three dimensions. My bedroom where winter never ends. My house where my parents yell and pretend they have their life together. And school.
School use to be the one place where I didn’t have to run from my thoughts. I was at peace there.
That was until last summer ended and I was forced to face the harsh facts.
I don’t want to think about it anymore. Not when I have Lianna’s face looming over me and her touch surrounding my body. Her perfume is here too. It's pulling me into that familiar sleep. My insides ache and her smile shoots an arrow through my heart.
There’s no way I’m falling for her. Lust. It’s her weapon and I’ve only become another victim.
But I still can’t believe it.
Lianna Coates and Maya Rivers.
It’s unbelievable.
***
Liza avoids me until lunch, but when she breaks the silence it’s only to say, “I’m sitting with Riley.”
She plants her trey on the opposite side of the lunch table. I stare after Herk surprised and fumbling to gather myself. It’s too late to say anything. She’s practically across the universe. Two feet and it feels like a knife to my chest and a world between us.
I notice the gap between us has gotten bigger. Yesterday, when she’d told me to cheer up like I was sad on purpose, I thought the fight was behind us. This is the first time she’s even acknowledged I’m here. The deep hole in my chest aches with so much pain, I grasp the lunch table until my knuckles turn white. I clutch it to table my legs O I don’t fall over from the stress. She still doesn’t look at me. It’s as if I’m a ghost sitting at this table. I’ve felt unwanted before and now my suspicions are only confirmed.
My self-pity feels forced. I look away from my food, trying to convince myself that I’m not affected by her cold shoulder. The person I finally forgot comes hurling back into my thoughts.
Lianna.
I see her out the corner of my eye. She’s hard to miss with her brightly colored clothes. She sits alone with her hair in a high bun and silver hoops in her ears. I’m not the only one looking at her. It’s as if there is a divide between us, the mortals, and her, the godly. This dive is a cage for her and a looking glass for us. We gawk and chat while she goes along with her day, pretending she can’t see us.
I wonder whether it has ever bothered her. I knew it had to, but I doubt myself just a bit. Her blank face shows no disdain. Almost like we didn’t even deserve that.
Across the table, Darren catches my eye. He grins and for a moment I think he’s caught on.
The endless moment feels like it means more than it should. At the pit of my stomach, I feel a tug of uneasiness. Like I’m about to learn something I don’t want. But those instances are never unnatural for me. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another.
I look down at the table, looking pasty my trey and the unwanted food.
My stomach growls. I think about forcing food down, but I shoot the thought down.
They’re watching me.
Everyone.
And Lianna.
I’m between taking another when bite when I feel Darren’s eyes on me again. Irritation bites and I glare up at him, ready to tell him to fuck off, but I bite my tongue when a hand touches my shoulder.
I jerk my head up.
Lianna is smiling down at me. “Mind if I sit?”
I open my mouth to tell her to fuck off. She cocks her head, touches my chin to close my mouth, and sits down. “Thanks, babe.”
My cheeks burn red.
I look up and the rest of the table is looking at us. I’m flabbergasted, not sure if I should get away from the table and run or if I should stay and fight Lianna off. But I do neither of those two things. Liza is as shocked as I am.
She narrows her eyes with a look of disgust flickering across her face.
Lianna, as if she knows how much she’s making them all uncomfortable, leans into me and looks around the table. “How’s it going?”
Darren smiles, but it’s forced. Lianna continues to glare. Riley is the one to speak up, her nose scrunching like she got a whiff of shit.
“It was fine until you got here,” she says. Liza elbows her in the arm and she hisses.
Lianna narrows her eyes. “Hm. Sure.”
She whips her hair around and looks over to me. “Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to hang out after school. I heard Mr. Underwood is pairing us up for reading and I thought we could be partners.”
Behind her, Liza is shaking her head. I look to Lianna, her brilliant blue eyes pulling me in. I open my mouth to tell her no, but the words that come out are not what I meant.
“Yeah, sure.”
I press my lips into a tight line. Liza clutches her tray and shoves up from the table.
We all turn to watch her walk away. She slams her tray on the cart and storms out into the hall.
Lianna raises a brow, the corner of her lips turning up. “Touchy.”
“Um,” I say and she leans her elbow on the table. She’s the one looking up at me now. My heart’s racing. “Maybe we shouldn’t.”
Maybe? It’s a definite no. A hell no. Partnering with Lianna is like signing my death certificate.
She’s closer to me now, her face only a couple inches from mine. “What are you afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid.” I tighten my hand on the lunch table. I swallow the lump forming in my throat. She spreads her legs and her knee touches mine. I jerk my leg back with a sharp gasp. “I…”
I look away from her eyes. They’re all staring at us. It’s not just Darren, Riley, and the rest of our table. It’s the entire lunchroom.
I know the outcome before our conversation is over. We’re going to be the talk of the school. She’s going to make me the talk of the town.
As if she knows what’s going on in my head, she leans back and glances out the corner of her eyes. Then she nods to my tray. “Are you done?”
I look at my untouched food and the empty milk carton.
“Let’s go talk somewhere else.”
She stands. I know I should say no, just like I should have said no when she asked if I wanted to me partners. But I’m so stunned to think clearly. With everyone looking at us, I don’t know what I actually want to do.
I know I just can’t stay here any longer. I’ve been thrown to the wolves and Liza isn’t here to save me from them. My heart aches, the pain a shot from the dark, as I remember the look on Liza’s face as she left the cafeteria. I feel like I should have chased after her, but I doubt she would have wanted to talk to me anyway.
I follow Lianna and as we dump our trays, I feel the same strange way as I did yesterday when it was me and Liza standing here. The tables have turned. The changing world around me has flipped everything. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel natural.
Lianna leads me out to the hallway, her hand on her bag and the other tucked in the pocket of her skirt. She’s dripping with attitude. She's still untouchable by the silent words floating throughout the school. They tear her down and she just gets bigger.
“Listen,” she says. She doesn’t need to. My ears are itching for everything she has to say. I’m the one who can’t get anyone to listen to me and I can’t find the words to say even though my head is about to burst. “You look like a scared kitten, don’t be. I’m not gonna do anything.”
I can’t say that I entirely believe her. She’d been the one to take those pictures of Zoey and Jack. She had the nerve to do anything she wanted with no guilt.
“This isn’t about the reading, is it?”
She gives me a pointed look. “You know what this is about.”
Her serious face makes my heart skip and I look down.
“You’re the one who…showed me.”
“And now I’m regretting it.”
She grabs my shoulder and pulls me back. We’re pressed against one another, chest to thighs. I’m burning up and I clench my hands, trying so hard to keep breathing. She’s acting like it’s no big deal to her. It might be, but it’s a big deal for me. It’s all I can think about, what it would be like if we weren’t wearing clothes and if she would press a little closer.
“I wasn’t kidding about the reading thing,” she says. She ruffles my hair.
“Why did you show me?”
She shrugs. “You looked like you needed it.”
“Needed it?” Her hand is still in my hair.
“Excitement. Change. A reality check. I don’t really know, but it happened. It’s over with.”
It would never be over with. And I didn’t know how to process any of the things happening right now.
She pulls her hand back. She smirks and walks away.
“I’ll see you later,” she says, waving at me once.
The bell rings and the scene plays out like the end of a movie. She’s a small figure in the distance as I watch her walk around the corner and dozens of students flood the hall. She’s gone with a blink. I’m breathless, shaking with nerves.
I still don’t know what the fuck just happened.
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