(Rated M for mentions of Devin's Suicide Attempt.)
Devin felt a shift in his emotions towards Hunter as he shared that with him. Feeling more empathy and understanding they did have more things in common than he imagined they did. That Hunter at one point in time was just as big of a fucking mess as he was.
The shared information allowed Devin to relax a bit more. Finding himself in a bit of awe at the thought of Hunter being just as confused and lost as he has been. Hunter had so much confidence in himself that Devin would have never thought he ever had a moment where he doubted who he was.
"So are dates with you always this sappy?' Questioned Devin, getting up grabbing himself seconds.
Hunter shaking his head, "Good question. Not really sure. Never done the official date kind of deal. Not even sure you would consider this a date."
"Why am I not shocked by that."
Devin had always gotten the vibe that Hunter was a player. Sleeping around as he found fit which that vibe did lead Devin to believe he was just being used by him at times just someone to fuck while he was in town. A feeling that only a small part of himself actually listened too.
Hunter coming by his place so nervous to ask him out started to cause him to believe that maybe it wasn't what he originally thought. Admitting that he didn't do the date thing at all reinforcing it. However, he wasn't letting himself jump head first into that feeling. A lot of hesitation still within him about Hunter and his true motives.
"I wasn't lying when I said I liked you." Hunter stated matter of factly as he got up, rinsing his plate off in the sink.
"As stated before you don't know me."
"Well I feel I do and I don't."
Hunter knew things about Devin lots of things really. Like how his face scrunched up when he took shots. How he always played with the bottom of his sleeves when he was nervous. How he liked to be kissed and fucked for that matter. So he did know things.
"I know the things that I wanted to know." Hunter admitting fault, "And I ignored the ones that I didn't care to know at the time. Which was wrong. I shouldn't have done that."
He sighed, resting against the back counter top, "I was even warned beforehand and still did my usual thing."
Usual thing being taking what he wanted and only being half assed with the emotion side of all of it. Relationships really weren't something he did, emotions either. Finding himself wanting and having both when it came to Devin scared him.
"Warned?"
Devin arching an eyebrow at Hunter.
Hunter tilted his head a bit to the side, debating on how much he should say here, "Let's just say, Smith really cares about you."
Smith was still pissed off with Hunter at the moment. Which was why he had only gotten the short responses to how Devin had been doing after he left. Even though Smith never said it to him he got the feeling that Smith felt he was what pushed Devin to his suicide attempt and he totally got that too because Hunter felt responsible as well.
Hunter ran his hand through his dark hair, "I fucked up and I'm sorry."
Looking at Devin, "I mean it too. I guess I just got scared when I started to get feelings for you that the thought of there being something real between us wasn't something I was ready for. Which I know you will probably say that we just fucked around but to me there was more there I could feel it. A connection."
Devin felt his cheeks grow hot in that moment. He's never had anyone openly admit they had feelings for him like that. Turning his head in an attempt to hide the blushing from Hunter.
"You finished?" Asked Hunter, changing the subject.
Waiting for Devin to nod his head before he took his plate up and placing it in the sink as well. Not worrying about any of the leftovers for the time being.
"So I don't bake but I know a place that makes the best cakes and I got one, well two for dessert. Didn't know if you were a chocolate or vanilla fan."
"I'm going to need a moment before I can take another bite of anything."
Devin got up from the chair, stretching as he moved over to the sofa plopping down, "So are you ready for it?"
"Ready for what?"
Hunter moves over to the sofa sitting next to Devin making sure not to invade his space.
"The feelings of something real?"
Devin resting his head back on the sofa, "Like is this you making a clean slate and trying to do things right because you're ready for the feelings now?"
"I mean when you put it like that. . . " Hunter, nodding his head, "Yeah. This is me trying to shoot my shot with you."
He wasn't trying to make excuses for his actions before with Devin but he was just trying to explain the state of mind he was in. Devin shaking his head, thinking to himself for a long moment.
"Would you even have time for me with everything that's about to come for you?"
Would he be too busy with the band, making the album, promoting, while trying to date or get to know someone? Would it be even worth it to him?
"I'll always have time for you."
Even if he didn't he would find a way to make some time for him. Hunter wasn't even sure himself what his life was about to become. He knew it would be busy but he's been busy before he knew how to handle it.
"You know I'm nowhere ready for something like that, right?"
Devin was just getting comfortable with the fact that he was gay. He wasn't ready to be open about it to the world. He still has so much to work through before he even became close to being open and free.
Hunter touching Devin's thigh once more, not moving his hand this time, Devin turning to look over at him.
"I know and that's okay. I'm not asking for anything from you. Just hanging like this, talking is more than enough for me."
Hunter wasn't fully ready for something official at the time either but he wanted to know that there was an open mind to the idea of that happening with them in the future.
* * * * * *
A lot was talked about between them that first night together. Most of it from Hunter but that was okay. Devin was able to understand him more since he shared all that with him. To see him as more than someone that just wanted a few nights of fun and nothing else. Feeling that Hunter really meant everything he had told him and that he was serious about trying to make a relationship happen between the two of them.
It really did give Devin a lot to think about for sure. His mind running a mile a minute for a few days after that evening replaying it all in his head. Feeling a bit guilty that Hunter had been so open and honest with him and giving nothing in return for it either.
It was well into the following week before Hunter heard from Devin again, getting a text from him asking when he would be free to hang out. Hunter held back his need to force himself into Devin's life. Finally letting Devin contact him first. Shifting a few things around to get an opening for Saturday evening.
"I could have come to your place if it made things easier." Spoke Devin as he opened the door for Hunter to come in.
"No, it's good I was only a few minutes away. Had a meeting with our manager to go over a few things."
"Ah, well no five star dinner but I did get pizza from that place you like. If I remember correctly just mushroom, onions, and green peppers."
Devin hoped his memory didn't fail him.
"Perfect."
The two of them grabbing a few slices before joining on the sofa. "So a good meeting I hope?"
"Yeah just a few details they wanted to iron out before they set a date to start recording."
It was still so mind blowing to Hunter that he actually had a record deal. Even the EP they had out was still mind blowing to him and the band. It was his life's dream to make it big. To be the reason other's went for their dreams and didn't give up. To have his lyrics touch souls.
Devin put his plate on the coffee table in front of him, hands playing with the bottom of his sleeves in his lap as he looked down.
"So I feel kind of bad that you opened up to me the other night and I just sat there and didn't say anything in return."
He knew the proper etiquette was if someone shared something personal you were to share something back. Devin had been working on this with his therapist, to be more willing to open up and let people get close to him. His fear of being hurt, taken advantage of, and to be outed were still very big concerns for him.
"I already said I didn't say any of that to get something from you I wanted to . . . . "
Devin cutting Hunter off, "I'm trying to open up. . ."
Devin looked over at Hunter, his silver gaze catching him like it always did.
"It's just hard but I'm working on it."
"And that's fine." Hunter placing his hand on Devin's knee. "You'll tell me when you're ready too."
Devin reached out grabbing Hunter's hand, pulling it up into his lap. Nervously spinning the black metal ring he wore on his middle finger all the time.
"I guess the biggest thing I want to tell you is that my slip up wasn't because of you."
Devin should have told him sooner. He shouldn't have let Hunter go around for months carrying that weight on him. Allowing him to feel like he was the one to blame for his suicide attempt.
"Still." Hunter sighed, squeezing Devin's hand, the guilt was there.
He was the one that fucked around with him knowing he was unstable and couldn't handle it. He was the one that pushed into the room at the shop with him exposing them to Smith before Devin was ready for anyone to know.
"I mean it, Hunter." Devin moving closer, "It was my choice. My very bad choice but mine. I didn't do it because of you. I did it because at the time it was all I felt like I could do. I felt like my whole life was out of control that everything had fallen apart and there was no way I could ever put it back. Things got so out of hand in my mind and I just couldn't take it anymore."
"Still I pushed you. I fucked things up for you."
"I mean maybe . . but no." Devin looked up at him, "If anything you did push me but you pushed me out of my shell. The way I was going about life I would have exploded anyway. Probably worse if I'm being honest."
Devin quiet again as he gathered his thoughts. Still spinning the ring on his finger.
"I'm working on becoming comfortable with who I am. . . with the fact that I am gay and that, that's okay."
Devin's eyes grew wide as he said that out loud, it felt so good to say. He was gay and that would just have to be okay.
"I'm still struggling with it on the daily but some are better than others."
Like today was a good day for him. He woke up in a good mood which he knew was because he would be seeing Hunter this evening.
Hunter taking in a deep breath, he never expected Devin to not blame him for what had happened. It was so much easier to blame others over owning up to your own shit. His chest felt lighter knowing that Devin didn't hold him responsible.
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