“I don’t know why I have to suffer,” Damien said, pouting as Greg stuffed the newly purchased vegetables in the fridge. “If you want to be an idiot, that’s fine, but leave me out of it.”

Greg rolled his eyes and turned to his loving boyfriend with a smirk. “Being a vegan is not a slippery slope to idiocy, just a better lifestyle.” He patted his little gut and rubbed it like he was pregnant. “I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway. Don’t you want me to look hot for summer?”

“I’m not so shallow as to encourage you to lose weight if you didn’t want to.” Damien hugged Greg and gave him a kiss. “But I just don’t like vegetables.”

Greg sighed. “Fine. Be that way. I just thought if we both ate the same diet, it’d encourage me to keep going knowing you’re doing it with me.” He averted his eyes and said, “But if you don’t want to eat your veggies, fine. Just be ready to watch me struggle.”

Damien knew he would cave into Greg’s guilt trip, so it didn’t make sense to resist any further. “I know you’re right, babe. You had better find a way to make them tasty.”

Greg’s eyes lit up with joy as he squeezed Damien affectionately. “You got it! I’ll start with finding recipes for that living lettuce we bought. Pinterest Fu, activate!” He left the kitchen to retrieve his phone.

Damien hated lettuce almost as much as cabbage. Still, for Greg, he was willing to do almost anything, even if it meant eating vegetables.

He was about to leave the kitchen when the basement door opened. The heat wafted over him as Deviel stepped out. He snapped, and the door closed. He glowered at the red-suited man.

“You again,” Damien sneered. “What do you want?”

“I couldn’t help but hear about your new diet.” Deviel chuckled as he made a whip sound. “That’s right. I called you whipped.”

“You can’t emasculate me using toxic masculinity techniques,” Damien said. “There’s nothing less manly about eating vegetables.”

Deviel arched a brow and smirked. “I didn’t say anything about being emasculated. I’m sensing some deep-rooted issue that might be important later on down the road.” He interlaced his fingers and blinked flirtatiously. “I’m just saying that your little man has you wrapped around his little finger. You hardly put up a fight. In the battle of wills, you’re always going to lose.”

Damien didn’t like where the conversation was headed. This devil was trying to undermine his relationship and cause drama, and he wasn't having it. “Look, if supporting Greg by doing something I don’t like but is ultimately good for me, I’ll be happy to lose every time. No one has ever died eating vegetables. Get lost, Deviel.” He left the kitchen without another word.

Deviel glared as he opened the basement door. He was about to descend down to the hell from whence he came, but an idea came to him. He looked at the fridge and grinned.

***

Having found a recipe he liked, Greg shared it with Damien to get his approval. Once it was received, he got all of the cookware needed to make it.

BBQ tacos using vegan cheese and jackfruit were on the menu tonight. Greg’s stomach gurgled in anticipation. He opened the fridge to retrieve the ingredients only to be jumped by something big, green, and leafy. The lettuce jettisoned itself from the container and wrapped itself around Greg’s neck.

“DAMES!” he managed to scream before he was silenced. He groped at his neck to tear the leaves off of him, but they were tough buggers. The more he struggled, the tighter the grip became. He fell to the floor and gasped in vain as the lettuce enveloped him.

Damien rushed to the kitchen in time to see Greg’s body convulse as it was starved of oxygen. He didn’t know what to do. He knelt down beside him and tried to rip the lettuce apart, but it was hard as steel. He called his lover’s name, hoping that Greg wasn’t dead. He wanted a sign that he was okay. Greg was eerily silent as the convulsing stopped.

“No! Greg!” He pounded on the leafiest mound of lettuce with such intensity, it caused Greg’s body to jolt up. Damien’s eyes widened with joy as he saw that Greg wasn’t dead. He hugged him. He didn’t care if Greg was covered in the worst vegetable. He was just happy.

Leafy Greg embraced Damien, lovingly at first, but then his real purpose surfaced when the lettuce attempted to wrap itself around Damien. At the last second, Damien was able to pull away. Leafy Greg’s mouth opened to let out a haunting scream.

“Holy shit!” he shouted.

This got Bertram’s attention, and he ran to his daddy’s side. He barked when he saw Leafy Greg stand up, arms stretched out like a 70’s zombie. His spinal spikes straightened as the monstrosity approached them.

“It’s just Daddy Greg, Bert. Don’t hurt him!” Damien attempted to hold the beloved chupacabra back, but Bert was too strong and willful. He slipped through Damien’s fingers and charged at the lettuce monster.

Leafy Greg’s screams were intensified as Bert tore at the fronds. Leafy debris flew in every direction, not caring where it landed.

Is he hurting Greg, Damien thought. He wanted to stop Bert, but he was getting results. Bert was tearing up patches to expose Greg’s skin beneath. The lettuce couldn’t replace itself fast enough at the rate Bert was tearing it away.

“Good boy, Bert!” Damien cheered. Bert got excited and stopped for a second. “No! Don’t stop! Keep going! Get that nasty lettuce!” Bert went back to work.

“Looks like you’ve got some veggie problems,” said a sinister voice from behind Damien. Deviel smirked when Damien glared at him. “Looks… roughage.”

“You did this!”

“Le gasp! How could you accuse me of such a thing?” The devil man placed a hand on his chest and pretended to be shocked. “My pearls are clutched. My wig is snatched. My… I’ve got nothin’.”

Damien jabbed his finger into Deviel’s chest and said, “You will stop this right now!” He snarled when the devil’s eyebrow raised. “No more tricks or outdated gay references! Fix this now!”

“But I have so many references. I’m not gonna RuPaulogize for it.” Deviel glanced over at Greg and Bert and frowned. He was having so much fun. He didn’t mind so much because this was all going according to plan.

“If I stop this, I guess that would mean I’d be doing you a favor,” Deviel said, intimating intent. “And I only do favors for friends.” He chuckled as Damien’s expression went from anger to panic and back to anger. “Lucky for you, my friendship is for sale.” He rubbed his red nails on his red blazer nonchalantly.

Damien didn’t know what pissed him off more, the fact that Deviel was bargaining with Greg’s life, or that he was doing it quoting Bruce Willis from Lucky Number Slevin. He knew what the devil wanted, and he was not about to give in. He heard Bert bark and turned to see what the fuss was about.

The lettuce had accelerated its growth to the point Bert could no longer keep up. Damien’s desperation amplified to the point where all reason flew out the window. He faced Deviel again and said, “Fuck your lettuce! I’ll do it.”

“Huh? What? What will you do?” Deviel pantomimed not being able to hear him. “What will you do? I need you to say it. I need to hear these words!”

“I’ll read your stupid spell.” Damien clenched his fists as he said this. “Just stop this madness.”

“Sounds good. I’m just going to need you to sign this.” Deviel snapped his fingers, and a scroll and feather quill appeared between them. He didn’t dare hide his devious smile as Damien scribbled on the parchment. “There we go, Ariel. All signed and legal.” The scroll and quill poofed out of existence. “Enjoy your tacos.”

As suddenly as he appeared, Deviel was gone. The lettuce halted its invasion of Greg’s body and fell limply on the floor. Bert barked at it, basically telling it that it had better run.

Damien rushed to Greg and tore the remaining leaves off him. Greg suddenly sat up, gasping for air. He saw Damien and hugged him tightly. Bertram gave them both kisses for good measure.

“You saved me,” Greg sighed. “I thought I was dead for a second.”

Damien thought of something funny to say. He debated whether he should say it aloud, but he decided to go for it. When would he ever have the chance again?

“So, I guess you could say that I brought you to life.”

Greg glared at him. “How dare you.” The two of them laughed. He looked at the limp produce around him and sighed. “There goes dinner.”

“No, fuck that noise. We’re ordering pizza.” Damien took out his cell and pressed the speed dial for Pizza Hut. He ordered the Stuffed Crust Meat Lover’s pizza with absolutely no vegetables. They ate it happily ever after!