“Gotta fix this darn door.” the man thought as he opened the front door to his house with a loud creak.

As he made his way to the kitchen he could hear the small TV set growing louder and louder.

“I’m telling you, they are everywhere. Everywhere. They masquerade as our politicians, they run our leading businesses, even the president is a reptilian. I am telling you. We are being run by lizardmen.” the voice from the television set blurted out.

“Would you listen to this asshole?” the man interjected while scratching an itch that had been bothering his crotch for the better part of the day.

“Relax, honey.” the woman reached up to give him a peck on the cheek.

The man could only grunt, going in for a deep dive into his nether regions in order to annihilate that pesky itch.

“How was work today?” she asked, reaching into the refrigerator and handing him a cold bottle.

“We should just rise up and seize control. Rip off the masks of our oppressors and say we are done with their anti-human regime.” the wild voice from the tube continued.

“Can you imagine, like actually try to put yourself in the shoes of a middle aged man serving burgers and shakes to snotty nosed teenagers?” the man replied, taking a pause from the crotch scratching in order to open the bottle.

“That bad?”

“And what’s up with kids these days, huh?”

“I don’t know.”

“First it was no onions on the burgers. Fine, I could understand that. You had a big date, didn’t want to have onion breath when you went in for that big kiss. Fine.”

“I still remember our first date.” she said with a reminiscent tone full of love. “You showed me the stars.”

“Then the trend with cruelty free slaughter came by. Like how the fuck should I should I know how the cow was slaughter halfway across the continent?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Now it’s vegan. What the hell is a vegan burger?”

“Vegan? As in from the Vega cluster?”

“No, not as in from the Vega cluster. As in a burger without meat.”

“Oh!”

“Yeah, oh! So I put some salad in the bun and gave it to him. Told him to take his scrawny ass right out of there.”

“I know your job sucks, honey” she said, embracing him from behind “but at least it’s honest work and it pays the bills.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Wash your hands, dinner’s in two. I made your favorite.”

“Damn, baby. What’s the occasion.”

“No occasion. I just love you and felt like you needed it.”

“And one more thing: the White House is actually a reptilian spaceship they’ve implanted in the ground since the starting days of this country. The top is just a front, man. You would not believe the stuff that goes on there in the lower levels. I got proof, man. I got documents.”

“Harold...” she raised the pitch of her voice.

“What, darling?” he stopped en route to attacking the plate of food before him, looking dumbfounded at her.

“Take that thing off. You know I don’t like you wearing it at the dinner table.”

He reached to a small brown speck hidden behind the collar of his shirt and pressed it. A light encompassing his head shimmered and seemed to blink out of existence, exposing a smooth, grey-green, scaly head with thin lips and slitted yellow eyes.

“And I’ll thell you one more thing, if ith weren’t for usss taking all their shitty jobsss, thisss prick would noth be able to spew hisss bulshith theoriesss on TV like thisss.”