Tuesday, November 10th

After a long battle with preeclampsia and kidney failure, I was taken in for an emergency c-section. I lost consciousness, and Remy had to choose between saving my life and putting our daughter at risk. He chose me.

Aurora Rose Baker was born on November 7th at 12:31 am at 24 weeks old. She has a 60% chance of survival. If she’d stayed in for a few more weeks, she’d have an 80% chance. But a few more weeks might have killed me.

This journal is supposed to be to help me with my insecurities. It’s supposed to help me cope with life and put things into a better perspective. I asked Dr. Mormilli, "How can I watch my baby struggle to live and see it another way?"

I won’t write down a lie. I’m angry. I’m angry at Remy for not choosing our daughter. I’m angry at God for making our baby girl suffer. But most of all, I’m angry at myself because I couldn’t keep her safe. Because I failed her.

It’s irrational. It’s unfair, but it’s the truth.

Tuesday, December 12th

It’s day 35. Aurora isn’t in the clear. She developed an infection, and they're treating her with antibiotics right now. She’s fighting with everything she’s got. She’s fighting to live, so there’s no way I can give up on myself. I’ve decided to use the energy I’ve spent hating the world and put that towards healing. Toward healing my husband’s heart. Toward loving myself even when I don’t think I deserve love. Toward letting my mate love me.

I pray for forgiveness in my heart.

I pray for her health.

I pray for a miracle...