Quote:

'All changed, changed utterly: A terrible beauty is born'

~W.B. Yeats

All things wonderful have a dark side. Big or small, it does exist. For most people, the wonder simply overshadows the horror, and for the rest, it's the other way around. This is another factor differentiating me from your average person. My curse and my blessing, wonderful and horrible at once.

Ever heard the expression "not everything is all black and white"? Well, I don't see the world in black and white with some gray in between, it's just gray. Nothing more, nothing less. I know it sounds dull, but it isn't. Not to me. To me, it's thrilling. Seeing the world in only gray means that I see everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) in equal parts terrible and beautiful. Because to make gray, you need black AND white. Both, together. Not either-or.

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I believe them. Who are THEY you might ask? Your answer: It doesn't matter. I mean really, who cares who THEY are. Everyone always seems so preoccupied with figuring that out when all you need to know is what THEY say. Everything else is just meaningless bullshit that keeps everyone on edge. I'm not stupid. I know the mystery is somewhat thrilling (see, good AND bad), but that shouldn't be the focus of your limited attention.

Now, where was I? Oh yes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In this case (since this is my story) the beholder would be me, and I see the beauty in everything. Everything and everyone. That's right. I said everyone. As in people. I have found that even the cruelest and grossest of people have some beauty to them. Now I won't go as far as to say that everyone's beauty is equal because that would be a lie. I don't lie unless I have to. I'm too blunt for that. Some people's beauty are QUITE the challenge to find. And some, even when found, are so small and insignificant that they weren't worth looking for in the first place. But there they are nonetheless.

Of course I also believe the opposite to be true. I wouldn't call it ugliness, per say. The word doesn't seem quite right for what I mean. Let's instead call it terrible beauty. Yes, that works.

I believe that terrible beauty is also in the eyes of the beholder (still me). And just like beauty, there are people out there who are so wonderful and kind and all around, well, beautiful, that terrible beauty is extremely difficult to find. Sometimes near impossible. But unlike beauty, where it can be so insignificant and small that it is worthless, these people's darkness reaches a whole other level. One that cannot compare to crimes or sins. It is why, that rather than giving it the shitty name of ugly, I call it terrible beauty. Because these people's darkness, although not obvious to the untrained eye, are all consuming, twisted and mangled beyond recognition in such a way that is almost beautiful. Almost.

But this also applies to their past. Because people aren't born with true terrible beauty. Something happens to them. Something that opens up that little hidden door in everyone's heart, and gives you access to the darkest part of your being. I have only ever met, to my knowledge, two people of true terrible beauty:

My father...

And myself.