A/N: Mention of suicide

Simon's POV

I woke up to the sound of water and someone caressing my head. As my vision cleared, I realized I wasn't on the couch where I had taken my nap, but in the tub of the motel. The pink water from my dream was gone, and for a minute I thought I'd just slept walked into the tub to sleep. Looking down, I noticed what had actually happened. My clothes were tinted pink, probably from the bloody water that was drained given the slight pink ring around the tub. My arms bandaged, and a towel draped over my shoulders. Kneeling next to the tub drying my hair was Aspen, someone I had lived with for the past ten years since that day. Next to him seemed to be some cleaning supplies and bloody towels. His clothes also sported some bloodstains.

A sight I was quite used to.

It wasn't the first time I've woken up covered in my own blood. Aspen had been more than my roommate, more like a caretaker, especially when I've injured myself, both consciously and unconsciously. But the look on his face every time was harrowing. The look of disappointment was frightening and reminded me too much of my father's disapproving stare when I refused to follow in his footsteps as a delta. The same look of a disappointment the entire pack had given my family.

It was mornings like this that pained me to see Aspen with that look of a disappointment. I didn't like having him help me with the cleanup and aftermath following the nightmares. The perturbed look of his always made me feel like such a burden. Aspen liked to fret about me a lot. He was just like my sister Nicole, always noticing the subtle changes in my mood or behavior.

Even as a kid I hated making my parents and siblings worry about me. I was known to be a bit clumsy, and I would get hounded by Nicole and our mother over the slightest scratch or bruise. It was why I had decided to turn down the application for delta, knowing my mother would fret over every hunt and run I would go on. My mother was already concerned for my father, that I chose to help ease her nerves by watching the younger siblings. Gods forbid my father gets into a hunting accident, I'd have to start providing for the family, and becoming delta would only further worry my mother. Getting injured on the job would only become a burden to the younger ones.

I leaned into Aspen as he continued to dry my hair. A dull ache in both my head and arms began to pulse. He didn't say anything, but I could sense his concern and a slight irritation in the way he massaged my scalp. He paused for a second before reaching for a bottle of water and a pill bottle near the sink. I could tell he was upset, his jaw was tensed and eyes narrowed as he pulled out a single pill from the bottle.

"I can't keep doing this," he finally broke the silence as he handed me the bottle of water and pill. I swallowed the pill and chugged most of the water, suddenly feeling cold, my heart heavy from his statement. My clothes still clung to my skin, the water that had once filled the tub was evidently freezing cold. I didn't want to acknowledge Aspen's words. Before, it seemed like it was just a recurring thought, but today was the first time he actually stated it. Instead, I simply focused on breathing, glancing at his bloodstained hands and shirt. I watched him as he put the towel to the side, clenching it tightly as if he had more to say.

A moment passed before I whispered, "I know."

"Cedar saw," his voice faltered.

My breath hitched. Cedar was Aspen's half-brother, barely a teenager who Aspen had basically raised since he was two. Cedar hadn't known about the nightmares or the suicidal thoughts. We had kept it a secret from him this whole time. Knowing how sensitive he was, Cedar was probably in shock. A part of me felt guilty, regretful, but I knew it was inevitable. Most of the time I had no recollection of the events that led up to mornings like this, it was as if I sleepwalked. Cedar was bound to find out eventually.

"How is he?"

"What do you think?" Aspen scoffed. "He's terrified, worried out of his mind. The amount of blood and cuts this time was the worst I've seen. We thought you were a goner, Simon."

I looked down at my scar-ridden arms. There among the fading marks, stood nine gnarly scabbed up lines on my inner wrist. The fact that they hadn't completely healed meant Aspen was right, these must have been worse this time. Even with our enhanced healing, the cuts usually healed overnight and left pink or pale scar tissue. I must've really overdone it this time. I couldn't imagine how they must have felt when they saw how bad it was. And little Cedar, I couldn't imagine how he must be feeling about this. It wasn't fair, he shouldn't have to deal with this. Neither did Aspen.

Instead of wallowing in more guilt, I shakily stood up, busying myself with finishing cleaning the blood off. Aspen had stepped away with the bloody towels, probably to clean them or toss them, and eventually came back to leave a fresh pair of clothes, before silently leaving the door slightly ajar. I could tell he was angry by the way he tensed his jaw looking at me before walking back to the living room. I tried not to think much of it, and focused my attention on getting clean. The clinging wet shirt was a challenge, and at one point I thought it'd be much easier just to stand outside in the sun, even though it was 40 degrees outside.

I set the water to just barely scalding, letting it cascade down my back. Mornings like this was exhausting, and the feeling of hot water helped my body relax and de-stress from the troubling afterthoughts, and make me feel less cold. I watched as the steam fogged up the mirror and glass, and the bath water turned faint reddish-brown. There was something comforting and soothing of standing in the shower and letting it just wash away all the dirt, sweat, and in this case, blood down the drain. I grabbed the soap bar and began scrubbing the dried blood, being delicate with the newer scar tissue and scabs. I watched as it all swirl down the drain, wishing it could take away everything else associated with these memories.

After a while of cleaning the bathtub and clearing my head, I dried off, reaching for the clothes Aspen left out. The shirt and pants were much easier to put on than taking off the wet shirt from before. Before the steam cleared and I could see how much of a wreck I probably looked in the bathroom mirror, I stepped out into the hallway, dreading to see Aspen and Cedar there. Aspen was obviously mad at me, and Cedar, well not mad at me, probably was mortified at what he saw this morning. I slowly made my way to the living room, gluing my eyes to the ground as I walked into their view. Slowly I raised my gaze.

Aspen had his arms crossed, a hand covering Cedar's, shooting daggers at me as he tapped his foot. Before I could think of fleeing, I looked to Cedar, who sat there with his knees to his chest, his lip looked as if he had been chewing it in nervousness. I gave him a small smile, and he hid his face behind his knees.

This was a new look. Cedar never shied away from me, in fact, he'd usually come running right into my arms and squeeze my torso extra tight and call me "Si". No matter how annoyingly clingy he got, he never was this quiet and timid. It was unlike him, and a part of me felt like I had just ruined this kids life.

I frowned then looked toward Aspen, who was still glaring at me. "Aspen, can we talk?"

He hesitated before giving Cedar's hand a squeeze and moving toward the kitchen.

"Look, I'm sorry. I can't control these nightmares, you know that. And I know that it's hard on the both of you, having to deal with this. I know that you're disappointed and that it's such an inconvenience, so I was thinking that maybe-"

"Go on," he interjected, narrowing his eyes.

"Maybe I should just leave. This, "I jutted my arms out. "This isn't for Cedar to see and deal with. You shouldn't have to clean my mess up either."

He stepped away from the kitchen counter and right up into my face. His blue-gray eyes bored into mine. "No, what you need is help, Simon. Professional help."

"With what money?" I countered. As much as I hated how this argument was going, I wanted to keep going. I wanted to get angry at him. Even though it wasn't anything particular, Aspen was getting on my case again, like I hadn't already had this conversation with him before.

He scowled. "Like you can afford a place if you were to leave. We barely make enough for this dingy motel"

"I could just do what I did before, the pay is good, and I won't be in your way"

"And that's safer than getting an actual job?" he chuckled. "You're ridiculous if you think I'll let you do that again"

"I won't bring them over, I'd just go over to their place or whatever, you won't have to see me as often either"

Aspen gripped my wrists not so gently. "Cause that's safer. That's not going to change anything and it's not going to help you."

"Like I don't know that. Vince does the same shit with others. What difference does it make if I do the same? You were the very one that said we needed the money"

He scoffed, pushing my wrists away from him. "Wow, I didn't know I was raising another fucking child"

That struck a chord, and I shoved him back. It angered me more than it probably should have, but I was so tired of dealing with that disappointed look of his. I stepped out of that kitchen and proceeded to the front door. In my peripheral vision, I could see Cedar look up in confusion, fear still in his eyes, as I turned the knob and stepped out. For a brief second I thought I had heard him say something to me, but it was drowned out with the sound of me slamming the door shut and stomping away.