Chapter 18

-Kit-

Somehow, the past 9 months haven’t been painful. I thought they would, considering how awful I felt once I left Trynnian. But, I don’t feel the pain anymore. Well, I don’t really feel anything, but that’s besides the point.

Fern, however, doesn’t think so. “Kit, let’s have a chat, shall we?” She asks me after another meeting with my father and sister. I nod, following her to my room, where we’re apparently going to have this talk.

“Sit on your bed, m’kay?” I do as she says, Fern always gets her way so there’s no point in disobeying her. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s the next alpha’s mate, and everything to do with the fact that you just can’t win an argument against her.

“Alright Kit. How are you feeling?” I blink at her, before shrugging. She gives me a sympathetic smile. “Because, we’ve noticed, and started to take genuine concern in, how you don’t actually talk anymore, and how you barely eat, and how you push yourself to exhaustion everyday with combat training.”

I only shrug again. It’s not like I have anything to say, and I do eat, because without fuel I won’t be strong enough to practice everyday. And practice is the only thing which makes me feel anything. It makes me feel alive, something which I haven’t felt since I left the castle.

Fern squirms closer up the bed, resting her head on my shoulder. “Do you miss your human?” I stare down at her. I only huff in response, thinking it a silly question. “Answer me, Kit.” Her tone doesn’t allow for disobedience, and I sigh.

“Yes.”

She nods, reaching up to touch my hair. It’s grown a bit longer, resting just below my shoulders. “Because, we had contact with Queen Mother Cordiana the other day.” The name makes my ears prick up. She was always so lovely.

“They have taken over the throne, and the crown prince is now the ruler of Karlisle. They want to establish a proper treaty with our pack.” I sigh in relief. They managed to do it. It took them quite a while, and I do feel guilty - my presence probably set them back quite a bit.

“We’ll be meeting with them in three months. You’re welcome to come with us, if you’d like.” I sit up straighter. I could see him again.

“We can’t guarantee that he’ll even be there, or that he doesn’t…have someone else now. But, if you’d like to just check in and see how things are, you’re welcome to join us.”

“Yes,” I reply instantly. Fern sits up, tapping my nose gently. “Alright. You can come on one condition: you have to get better. I don’t mean physically, although you should be eating more in comparison with how much practice you do. I mean, you need to talk to us, and you need to be healthy enough mentally that you can meet him again and not be…this,” she says sympathetically.

I know what she means - right now, I’m a mess. I don’t communicate with others, and I feel numb constantly. I’m practically a wall.

“I’m going to join you, and I’m going to show him how much I’ve healed and how great I’m doing. I’m going to show him that this time, I won’t doubt if my feelings are real or dependency. I’m going to show him how strong I am,” I say quietly, but with conviction.

Fern beams at me, giving my arm a gentle squeeze. “We have three months. Let’s show him how awesome you are.”

And so, I decide to take myself in hand. Pulling myself out of my depressive episode is hard, but worth it. I find myself able to feel again. I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel excited. Each emotion is incredible and worth it.

Trynnian is my motivator. The thought of seeing him again makes me want to get better, and that helps push me in the right direction. I start training less, and letting myself hang out with friends and family more instead.

I let myself feel sad when I remember the prisons, and I let myself be comforted by my friends and family when I feel like that. I eat more, and I actually put effort into looking after myself. I talk with the pack healer regularly, which helps. I didn’t think talking would help as much as it does, but I guess talking to Trynnian always helped too, so I should’ve realised the benefits sooner.

Two months pass and there’s only one left before we’ll be travelling to Karlisle again to establish a proper treaty. I’ve been taking care of myself better and better everyday, and I actually feel rather proud of my progress.

I’ve also made peace with the fact that Trynnian probably has someone else now. That’s a lie, and it still hurts to think about, but I have to think about it, or it’ll hurt more when I find out it’s the truth. He said I should find a wolf, and although I met many lovely wolves, my feelings for Trynnian never went away.

Part of me is desperately holding out hope - hoping that Trynnian doesn’t already have someone he loves, or that, even better yet, his feelings for me are still there. I have decided that, if he has someone else, and he wants to marry that person, I will nullify our marriage.

I may hold these feelings for him for forever, as werewolves tend to do once they fall in love, but I won’t let my own selfish desires get in the way of his happiness.

I can only desperately hope, that I might have the chance to be his happiness.