Chapter 17

“You look rough,” I say with a laugh as I take my seat at the desk next to Dray’s. He grumbles, sipping on his coffee gently. “Yeah, I didn’t sleep well. Gotta absorb my caffeine super fast so I’ll not pass out while teaching.”

I pat him on the back sympathetically, before going back to marking homework. It’s dull, but some of the answers are pretty funny - this particular class has no idea what the penal code is, and thought it’d be hilarious to write ‘the penis code’ instead. Very mature.

I have about ten minutes left before my therapy appointment, so I pat Dray’s arm to get his attention. “I’m off now, don’t overdose on caffeine whilst I’m away,” I say jokingly, before laughing at the death glare he sends me, which shifts into a bright smile as he waves at me.

Making my way up to the music rooms, I shut myself in the one at the far end again, and wait for my therapist to call me. I’ve been doing better recently - I’ve been pushing my limits, being around people more, letting myself get comfortable around them.

My therapist is very happy with the progress I’ve made, and we both think moving to Aldeburgh was a good decision for me. It’s a quiet place, not much drama happens. Word gets around fast, which means everyone knows about everyone else.

Normally, I’d think that was a terrible thing; it makes the chances higher for people to know me, really know me. But now? I’m beginning to think it’s nice. I meet people at Daxa’s restaurant who’ve heard about me on the grapevine, through friends of friends, and I find myself with a lot of…friends.

It’s Dray’s 27th birthday soon, and he’s having a party at Daxa’s. It’ll be a proper party, with quite a lot of people, so I don’t know if I’ll even be able to come. However, I’d like to be there for at least a little bit.

He’s my closest friend, after all.

And unfortunately, that’s all we’ll ever be. After we hung out with the rest of his friends that time, and I figured out Nick likes him, I’ve backed off. Not like I was ever going after Dray in the first place, but it’s like, emotionally, I’ve retracted myself somewhat.

There’s no way I’m coming into his friend group and letting my steadily growing feelings be known, when a friend he’s known for way longer already likes him. It sucks, but I’ll just have to distance myself from those feelings again.

That’s what I had to do when I saw my last crush get tortured to death, which was my fault in the first place, because I refused to shoot him.

I grimace, opening the office door to go back to my desk. Feelings and I don’t gel well, after all. Plus, not sure anyone would want someone who comes with this much baggage - I mean, even if for some miraculous reason Dray did like me, he wouldn’t be able to get near me half the time if I was having an episode, or had one recently.

That would suck for us both, so it’s better this way.

Dray lifts his head, smiling warmly at me. Goddammit heart, stop having feelings. “Hey you, how was therapy?” He asks quietly, so that our other coworkers won’t hear. I smile gently, playing with my tattoo.

“It was good, she’s happy with the progress I’m making,” I explain, going back to marking homework. “That’s great! I’m very proud of you,” he says, and I have to suddenly shuffle around in my bag on the floor, so he can’t see my face.

Don’t say stuff like that, Dray Hastidal. People praising me has always been uncomfortable, especially after working with Mikey. He used to praise me a lot, saying how good and perfect I was at the job, and what an asset I was.

It made me sick.

Now, my family know to say they’re proud of me, rather than saying how ‘good’ I am or whatever. Dray however, doesn’t know that, and he’s an honest person so…is he actually proud of me?

I whip up a calm expression, and any heat that was in my face is gone by the time I sit up again. The door opens and Sylvia strides in, making a bee-line for Dray and me. “Miss Jerries, how was the class?” I ask, and she smirks.

“Great as always, thanks for asking, Mr Ardis. How was the homework marking, Mr Hastidal?” Dray rolls his eyes - ever since Sylvia and I changed to a first name basis, we’ve been acting extra formal with each other at work, for no reason other than it amuses us.

“Very boring, and I’m still exhausted. You two are welcome to eat lunch without me today, I’m about to pass out so I’ll just sleep on my desk,” he grumbles, putting all his papers away. Sylvia wastes no time in pulling me up from my seat, and I do flinch slightly at her touch.

I haven’t been doing that much recently, but I just had therapy, so I’ve been thinking about it all a lot. “Oops, sorry. We thinking the benches next to the tree again?” She asks, and I nod, grateful that she’s not making a big thing out of my reaction. When at the door, I glance back to Dray. He lifts his head, smiling tiredly, and I give him a little wave before leaving.

“So, what’s going on there?” Sylvia asks once we’re comfortably sitting on the bench, the sun lazily dripping its rays down onto us. “Hm? What do you mean?” I ask, not entirely sure what she’s referring to.

She gestures to all of me, and then says “and Dray. Every time I’m with the two of you at once, you both keep doing this thing where you look at each other, smile gently and then look away. And then you do it again like two minutes later.”

I’ve been looking at him every two minutes? It feels like way more, to be honest. It’s like I’m always searching for him, his smile, his dark eyes.

“Oh, we’re just - being friendly,” I settle on, despite knowing that’s one of the bullshittiest things I’ve ever said. Sylvia thinks so too, apparently, based on how she’s looking at me. “Do you like him? And be honest, I just want to be in the loop.”

I think about my answer. Do I like him? I have a crush on him, sure, feelings for him, definitely, so…do I like him? “Probably,” is what I go with. Sylvia smiles, putting her Tupperware box down in her lap.

“So, are you going to make a move?” I stare at her like she just grew a third eye. “No- obviously not. I mean, his friend is totally into him, and I don’t want to ruin whatever is there.”

Sylvia places her hand next to mine, in a gesture I know as ‘I would hold your hand if you were ok with it’. “Fyfe, it’s great that you’re being respectful of his friend’s feelings, but I’m pretty sure you’re forgetting one major thing here.”

I glance over at her, staring until she goes on. “You’re forgetting about Dray’s feelings. He could like this other friend of his, but I don’t think so. He certainly never mentions anyone other than you to me, at least. And I’m not sure if you noticed, but we are best friends,” she says with a little smirk.

My eyes widen slightly, and I point at myself. “He…talks about me to you? Oh God, please don’t say he was like ‘oh Fyfe sucks’ or something.” Sylvia bursts out laughing, moving her hand from next to mine back to her own lunch.

“No, it’s all good…and that’s saying something. Dray doesn’t bitch about his friends, but he does complain sometimes, like ‘oh Zach wouldn’t stop talking about his favourite band which we all hate’ or whatever. But, he’s never said anything negative about you.”

My eyes widen even more, and I feel like if they do any more, my eyes will fall out of my face. “You’re not…joking, right?” I ask tentatively, and Sylvia’s expression goes completely serious.

“Not at all, I wouldn’t ever lie to you, Fyfe. I just want you to think about this, and not push your feelings for Dray away purely because someone else likes him. Just…be the you you always have been, and see where things lead.”

Turns out, Miss Sylvia Jerries is pretty good at advice. After our lunch and chat, I decide to let my feelings for Dray trickle back into the forefront of my mind, rather than stashing them away deep within my heart.

It feels nice to acknowledge them, and accept them just a little.