Finally, Noah sinks down to sit on the couch.

He doesn’t look calm, exactly, but that chaotic, all-encompassing panic he was caught up in before is starting to fade away.

Now, he looks exhausted.

“I - I need to think,” he mumbles. “I’ve gotta think about this.”

Aiden comes over and drops to sit next to Noah, resting his elbows on his knees.

“We’re here for you, man,” he says. “If you need to talk about it more.”

Noah shakes his head no, but then blurts out:

“I just - I don’t get why this is happening now. If I’m pan - bi - romance - what did you say, Aiden?”

“Pan or bi romantic.”

“Okay, well, I’m also in my goddamn mid-twenties, so - what the fuck? I’ve never even thought about this before.”

“You can figure it out literally whenever,” Aiden tells him. “Like - Gabby sorted out that she’s trans when she was pretty young, but she told me that she knows a trans guy who figured himself out when he was sixty. It’s never too late to learn new stuff about yourself.”

“And sometimes,” I put in, “The right person has to come along, to wake up that part of you. Or - the right people, I guess. In your case.”

Noah goes quiet again, his exhaustion written all over his face, his grey eyes blinking slowly.

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters, dropping his head back against the couch. “Somebody please give me something to smoke.”

I reclaim the armchair and pull a pack of papers out of my stash box.

Noah holds out a hand for it. “I’ll roll, I’m faster.”

“That’s true,” Aiden chuckles. “I’ve seen this guy roll a blunt on his lap in the back of a moving bus. At nine in the morning. Done in under one minute.”

“What the fuck, Noah,” I laugh, and he cracks a grin at me.

“Gotta roll on the go sometimes, dude.” He grabs the grinder from my coffee table and spins it open with practiced ease, though his fingers are slower than usual. “God, why am I so tired? Feel like I’ve been on a goddamn Tilt-A-Whirl for like, days, without stopping.”

“Emotional Kingda Ka,” I answer, and Noah pauses, shooting me a tiny smile.

Aiden wasn’t there when Noah and I had that conversation, and he quirks an eyebrow.

“Kingda Ka, like the massive roller coaster?” he asks. “Wouldn’t expect you to be into that kind of thing, Jamie.”

“Oh, I would never do that. That’s all Noah.”

Noah licks the side of the paper, seals up the joint.

“Speaking of roller coasters: we’re all rolled, so let’s coast.” He offers the jay and the lighter to Aiden. “You wanna take green? Or, wait-” His sleepy eyes suddenly sharpen into focus, and he draws back. “Oh, sorry, bro. Is that - can you not-?”

Aiden smiles warmly at him. I think I know why. He’s probably thinking about his first time hanging out with Noah after he came back to Ketterbridge. That night at Angie’s party.

How different things are, now.

“Yeah, no thanks. I try to avoid anything I might start to lean on too much.” Aiden’s gaze moves to me, soft and affectionate. “Unless it’s something safe for me to lean on, that is.”

I return his smile, then reach for the jay.

“I should get green, anyways,” I tell Noah. “It’s my apartment, I get the first hit.”

Noah hands it over, then leans back against the couch. He stretches his legs out, weaves his fingers together behind his head, and lets out a heavy sigh.

“So.” Aiden gives Noah a nudge in the ribs, breaking into a grin. “Raj, hmm?”

Noah lets out an agonized groan. “Can we please not?”

“At least tell us when it started,” I say, around a mouthful of smoke. “Come on, you said it out loud, all three of us know it, and now we’re smoking weed about it. You can tell us.”

Noah bites his lip. He takes the jay from me, puffs on it, and blows out a few smoke rings. They drift back to break lazily against his anxious face.

“Nothing has started,” he mumbles. “And it’s not - we’re not-”

“We understand that it’s not physical, dude,” Aiden tells him. “We’re not gonna get it twisted, you don’t have to keep saying it.”

“Yep, we’re very aware that you’re not attracted to guys,” I chime in. “Or you’d understand how funny it is that you randomly told me that you prefer to be the bottom.”

Noah arches a pierced eyebrow.

“I still don’t get why that’s funny. Aiden won’t tell me, either.”

I let out a burst of startled laughter, throwing my hands over my mouth. “You asked Aiden?”

“Yeah, let me reiterate that we are never having that conversation,” Aiden says firmly.

“Whatever, dude,” Noah answers, a burst of smoke punctuating each word. “If my bi cousin doesn't want to help me out, I’ll ask my lesbian cousin.”

I bite back another laugh. “Oh, I wish I could listen in on that phone call.”

“I don’t care if you listen in.” Noah pulls his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll do it right now, watch me.”

“Okay, nope!” Aiden snatches Noah’s phone from his hand. “Don’t call - what’s her name?”

“Moore.”

“Yeah, do not call Moore at this hour, while you’re stoned, to ask her that.”

“Bro, knowing her, she’s up, and she’s just as stoned as we are.”

“You,” I cut in, “Are dodging the question, Noah. Come on, when did it start, with Raj?”

Noah’s grey eyes find mine through the gathering haze of smoke.

“I - I don’t know.” He winces, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Gimme a break, I only just figured out what it actually is.”

“Okay,” Aiden says, “Well - when did you start feeling differently about him than you do about us?”

“I guess…” Noah shrugs, picking at his sleeve. “Probably right around when we started working on the house together?”

Aiden and I stare at him, staggered.

“When you guys started working on the house together?” I repeat, dazed. “But - wasn’t that like, the same week that you met him?”

“Ah…” Noah shrugs again, avoiding my eyes. “Yeah.”

“That long, Noosh?” Aiden says softly.

Noah’s cheeks turn pink behind his tattoos. He leans forward, snags the jay from my fingers. He takes a long hit, ghosts it, and then takes another.

“Yes, okay?” he says, his voice thick with smoke. “That long, but I didn’t realize what… I didn’t realize.”

There’s a brief silence while Aiden and I recover from that.

“So…” Aiden finally says. “What about Melanie? When did it start with her?”

Noah glances at him, his grey eyes uncertain.

“It’s so fucking weird to talk about this with you, of all people,” he mumbles.

Aiden answers in that firm voice, the one it’s near impossible to argue with.

“I told you, dude, there’s no need to feel weird. The stuff between me and Mellie is eight years in the past, almost nine. You’re not pulling a Ralph move.”

Noah hesitates, slowly rolling the jay between his fingertips.

“So?” I prod gently. “When did it start with Mel?”

“When…” Noah rubs his tattooed temples, the blush in his cheeks growing darker. “When she kissed me. Or - no, it was before that. But that was when I knew.”

There's another silence. Noah quickly glances at me, and then at Aiden.

“Okay, I swear to god,” he groans, “Wipe those fucking looks off your damn faces before I-”

“Relax,” Aiden laughs, smacking his knee. “We’re just happy for you, dude.”

“Well, don’t be,” Noah grumbles. “Because this all still sounds like a hell of a longshot to me. That they’ll both - both want...”

He fades off, letting out a tired sigh.

“Only one way to find out, man,” I tell him. “You’ve gotta talk to them.”

Noah nods, sending a small movement through the smoke hanging around his face.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I know.”

~~~~

It gets late, and the jay burns out. We seem to have hit a point where Noah can’t talk about this anymore, and the conversation shifts to easier things. He’s clearly grateful for it, after a night of so much rising to the surface for him.

He looks ready to pass out at any moment. His panic has subsided, but it tore through him, left him wrung out.

My phone died, so I slip into my room to plug it in, then wait for a minute or two while it gains enough charge to power back on.

I’m really hoping that I’ll have a missed call from Raj. While I’m thrilled that Noah finally opened up, I’m still dying to know how the talk with Melanie went.

I turn my phone on, wait for the notifications to come in.

I have two missed calls from Raj, and - there’s a text. A lot of texts, actually.

My heart stumbles, and I rush to put in my passcode.

Raj 🔨 10:55 PM: Hey brother sorry to go silent on you, didn’t have reception at the place I took Mel to, and we’ve had our hands full with Nik since we got back!

Raj 🔨 10:57 PM: Details later on the talk with Mel, but let’s just say we're both feeling happy 😊 Should have known that I can talk to my girl about anything. She’s an angel. Showed her the ring, too. She’s over the moon

Raj 🔨 10:59 PM: We’re gonna find a way to talk to Noah. So nervous, though. He said he’s going to your place tonight, I’m hoping that means he’ll talk to you! Also hoping he really is at your place, and he didn’t decide to take off. I’m worried about it. He’s been so on edge the last couple of days

Raj 🔨 11:01 PM: Actually can you just let me know if he’s there? He’s not texting me back

Raj 🔨 11:21 PM: Is he with you?

Raj 🔨 11:45 PM: Please tell me he’s with you

Raj 🔨 12:20 AM: Jamie?

Raj 🔨 12:33 AM: Is he with you?

Oh, no. I hastily type out a response, cringing at myself.

Me 1:02 AM: Omg Raj I’m so sorry! My phone died, and Aiden had to confiscate Noah’s! Long story, but Noah is here and everything is okay!

Me 1:02 AM: He’s still at my place, so can I call you tomorrow? I need to hear everything and also I have some things to tell you

Raj 🔨 1:03 AM: Oh, thank fucking god

Raj 🔨 1:04 AM: Whew okay yes call me tomorrow as soon as you can

Me 1:05 AM: I will, I promise!

Raj 🔨 1:05 AM: Can you just tell me if you guys talked about it?

Me 1:06 AM: We did, yeah!!

Raj 🔨 1:06 AM: OMFG WHAT

Raj 🔨 1:06 AM: Is he okay???

Me 1:07 AM: Yeah, he’s okay, I promise. Everything is okay, actually!

Raj 🔨 1:07 AM: How am I supposed to sleep tonight bro omg my stomach is in KNOTS

Me 1:07 AM: Raj, honestly, everything is going to be just fine. Rest easy.

I set my phone down, a smile spreading over my face. I was pretty sure that Raj’s talk with Melanie would go well, but the confirmation makes my heart lift.

“Oh my god,” I whisper.

I bounce up and down on the balls of my feet, my excitement briefly overwhelming me.

When I’ve calmed down a little, I leave my phone to charge, and head back outside.

Murmured voices drift to me from the semidarkness of the living room. There’s only one lamp on, and I pause in the shadow of the doorway, worried that I might be interrupting something personal. Both Aiden and Noah sound quiet and serious, though the conversation was relaxed when I left them.

“-talk to Raj and Mel about it,” Noah is saying. “Just the thought makes me want to go into hiding, dude. It was hard enough talking to you and Jamie about it, and the stakes were way lower.”

“You don’t have to tell me.” Aiden huffs out a soft, sympathetic laugh. “Trust me, I know exactly what you mean.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, man, of course. You have no idea what a struggle it was for me, with Jamie.”

I had started to back away, but I stop, holding my breath.

“What do you mean?” Noah asks.

“I mean that I felt the exact same way that you do right now. All summer, I was dying to tell Jamie how I felt, but way too scared to do it. No matter what I did, I couldn’t work up the nerve. I can’t count how many times I told myself - right now. This is the moment. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna say something, or I’m gonna kiss him.” Aiden lets out another quiet laugh. “And then I’d panic. And that happened over and over again, until Jamie took matters into his own hands and kissed me.”

Alone in the hallway, I smile so hard that my cheeks ache.

“Really?” Noah laughs.

“Oh, yeah. I’d be all ready to try and say something. Then Jamie would look at me, and I would fucking go to pieces, and then I would go home kicking myself. And it happened so many times, dude. So many.”

They both laugh, but Aiden’s low voice quickly grows serious again.

“Thing is, though… Jamie took that leap, and now we’re together, and - I’ve never been this happy in my fucking life, Noosh. Not even close.”

I slump back against the wall and press my hands over my mouth, warmth enveloping me from head to toe.

“What I’m saying is,” Aiden continues, “It is terrifying, to make that leap. I won’t tell you it’s not. But - it’s worth it, to feel like this.”

There’s a stretch of silence, and then Noah speaks again, at a barely perceptible volume.

“What's left for me, if it goes wrong?”

“I’m telling you,” Aiden says, “I was thinking that exact thing. To the point that I almost convinced myself there was no chance it could go right. But it did. And it can for you, too.”

Another silence falls, during which I gather myself together enough to step into the living room. Aiden and Noah both turn to look at me.

“Hi, sorry to interrupt. Are you staying over, Aiden? Say yes, please.”

“Yeah, sure.” He gets to his feet, stretching his brawny arms over his head. “I should probably go to bed, actually. Gotta be up early for work.”

He crosses to me. Brushes a kiss onto my temple, ruffles my hair, and disappears into my bedroom, leaving a whiff of vetiver in his wake.

I watch him go, my heart trying to break through my ribs and get to him.

When I turn back to Noah, his eyes are closed, his shoulders drooping.

“You should get some rest, man. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

He sprawls out on the couch, rubbing his eyes. “That's cause I barely have.”

“You want a blanket?” I ask.

Noah doesn’t open his eyes. He mumbles something that I can’t understand.

“Was that a yes, or a no?”

He doesn’t answer.

I get a blanket from the closet, spread it over him, and go back to my bedroom.

Aiden is standing by the window, yawning, unsnapping his watch. He looks up when I shut the door.

“Hi,” he says warmly. “Are - are you…?”

He fades off, his blue eyes widening. He tips his head to the side, and listens.

“Wow,” he breathes. “You - you sound - so-”

I move to him, wrap my arms around his neck, and tuck my head beneath his chin.

“Oh, my fucking god.” Aiden’s deep voice rumbles through me, sending goosebumps down my back. “You heard what I said to Noah, didn’t you?”

“No,” I answer, and he groans loudly.

“Why do you even try to lie to me, dude? You can’t make even one-word answers sound - sound…”

Aiden falls silent again, listening.

He lifts a hand to gently cradle the back of my head. His other arm locks around me, holding me close. He bows his head over mine, buries his nose in my hair.

“I’m sorry,” I begin, my voice muffled against his chest. “I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay,” he says quickly. “Just - just let me listen to you. I don’t want to forget how this sounds.”

I stand there quietly, cocooned in Aiden’s arms.

The song he hears must be sweeter when I’m overflowing with love for him like this.

He listens silently until his happiness escapes as magic, and everything around us begins to float.