I looked behind my shoulder as I ran, almost losing my footing because of it. I didn’t see my bullies anywhere, but I could hear them laughing at me nearby. There were three of them, and they kept shouting after me. I’d been running away from them for hours. I was scared and exhausted, but I knew I had to keep going.

“Where are you? Come here, little fag! Let’s have some fun!”

I knew painfully well what they meant by that. If they caught me, I would be in a world of pain – again.

“Come here, little faggy!” They whistled at me, and I could tell they were close already.

It was really late, and I was far away from home. My bullies had cornered me hours ago back at school, but I managed to escape from them. I was so small and thin that I’d been able to squeeze through a narrow hole in the fence where they couldn’t follow me. I had stayed hidden for a few hours, hoping they had given up, before finally heading home.

But they knew where I lived, so they had found me again.

This was not my life four months ago. But everything changed in one night, when everyone found out I was gay in a city where gays were not accepted.

There were plenty of people who picked on me, but these three were the worst. Drake, Glen and the biggest of them all, Sean. They, too, had started picking on me at school just like everyone else. It started as light shoving and calling me bad names, but eventually things had gotten worse. Especially when no one was looking. They would trip me over, kicking and hitting where no one could see my bruises. Sometimes they’d beat me up completely before letting me go.

I knew this was one of those occasions since I had dared to run away from them. And they wouldn’t hold anything back. I just knew it.

“There he is!” I heard Glen’s victorious shout.

I tried to pick up my pace, but they were so close already… I could hear their footsteps so close to me. I saw no one around, no one to help me, and I couldn’t run forever. The bullies were big and fast, and I was small, clumsy, and exhausted.

My lungs were already burning, and my legs were hurting. I couldn’t run fast enough, no matter how hard I tried. I was just too tired after running and hiding for hours already. Too soon, I could sense someone right behind me, and that someone grabbed me by my hood, forcing me to stop. I tried to fight back, even though it was useless.

“Let me go!” I screamed, trying to pry his hand off me.

It was Glen who had caught me, the fastest of them. He tossed me on the ground and kicked me hard in the stomach. I tried to yell for help, but the kick had cleared all the air from my lungs. I tried to shield my body with my arms. And then Drake and Sean arrived. They looked down at me with evil smirks, watching as I quivered in pain and fear at their feet.

“Did you really think you can run away from us, little fag?” Drake laughed, kicking my back.

“Please. Stop!” I cried, fearing for my life. They had never been so persistent before…

“Emo fag thinks he’s better than us,” Sean laughed, and kicked me on his turn.

I cried and screamed helplessly when the first shower of hits and kicks poured down on me. I tried to curl up into a tiny ball to protect myself, but it didn’t help at all. The pain I felt was something I had never felt before. I tried to cover my head with my hands, but Glen kneeled next to me, hitting me in the back of my head, knocking me out cold.

*****

I woke up the next morning in an alley where my bullies had left me. My whole body was in horrible pain, and I could only stare at the gray sky above me for a moment.

It had been raining during the night. My clothes were soaking wet, and I was shivering from the cold. I held back my tears, trying to push myself up from the wet, freezing ground. My back felt like was snapped in half, and my head was hurting so badly I almost threw up while getting on my knees. I could taste blood in my mouth…

I saw myself in one of the surrounding windows. My shoulder-length, black hair was a mess, my bangs hanging in front of my eyes. I swiped the hair away, revealing my pale face and the dark circles around my blue eyes. I looked at my hurting hands. They were covered in bleeding rashes, and my clothes were dirty and torn… It was clear they had dragged me through the pavement to hide me behind the dumpsters.

I sniffed quietly, trying to wipe the blood off my face and hands. I spotted my backpack close by. My bullies had opened it and destroyed everything I had with me. I sat next to it, picking up a shredded schoolbook from the ground. All my books had shared the same fate, and my new notebook was covered in mud. I couldn’t even see my pencil case anywhere.

I had gotten used to it by now, but it still hurt my soul. Why didn’t they just leave me alone? Did I really deserve all the beating? Was I somehow a bad person? Maybe I was. Maybe my existence was bad for the universe, and it was only right for me to suffer.

Once I had all the belongings I could find, I started limping towards home. It was still early morning, but I was going to be late from school. I had no choice but to get the rest of my schoolbooks from home. I had stopped using my locker since the bullies were always there, waiting for me. I kept all my books at home if I didn’t need them during the day.

It took me almost half an hour to get home. I’d lost my keys, so I had to ring the doorbell. My heart felt heavy when I waited for someone to come open the door. I knew that no matter who it was, they wouldn’t be happy to see me. At all. To them I was only a nuisance, a rat in their household.

It was my brother, Allen, who answered.

“Where were you?” he asked in anger, glaring down at me.

“Nowhere,” I muttered, keeping my head down.

He grabbed me by my hoodie and yanked me inside. I tripped on my own feet and fell hard, almost knocking all the air out of my lungs for the second time.

“Get up, you idiot!” Allen spat at me without caring it was his fault I fell.

I got slowly back up on my feet. Every move I made was painful, but I didn’t cry, and I tried not to flinch in front of Allen. He’d be happy to see me in pain, and I always tried my hardest not to give him that satisfaction.

“You’re going to be late, fag,” Allen said, his voice almost pleasant, but only because he was happy to know I’d get in trouble at school.

My family really hated me. Mom had lost her battle against cancer four years ago, changing the rest of our family for the worse, leaving me at the mercy of my drunk dad and mean brother. Dad didn’t care about either of us. He only cared about his beer. Sometimes I was sure he didn’t even remember he had children.

Dad usually just ignored me, but Allen treated me even worse than my bullies. He tried to make my life a living hell. He was a year older than me, and he was in the same high school with me as a senior. I had to avoid my bullies at school, but I had to avoid my own brother everywhere. Though, he was the perfect ally for my bullies, so I wasn’t safe anywhere.

Allen gave me a nasty look. I didn’t have the courage to look at him in the eyes, which were exactly like mine. Light blue. He and I looked a lot alike, but Allen was bigger and stronger than me, and he had a short, blond hair. Anyone could still tell that we were brothers, and it bothered me. I was nothing like him.

“Get the fuck out of my sight,” he suddenly snapped at me.

I didn’t waste another second to get away from him. I hurried upstairs to find my schoolbooks from my bedroom. My room was small and messy, and I had taped the walls with posters of my favorite bands. Listening to music was the only good thing I’d had left until the music player I had gotten from Mom was stolen. I didn’t have money to buy a new one, and my dad had just grunted at my face when I asked him for money. He wanted to save his money for beer.

After I had found my books, I changed my clothes to another black hoodie and a pair of black jeans. Black was my favorite color. It was easier to hide in dark corners in black clothes. Besides, I had nothing good or colorful left in my life – everything was just pitch-black darkness for me.

When people had found out I was gay, I didn’t think it could be so bad, but I was terribly wrong. Everyone hated me for liking other boys, and no one was afraid to show it. If I’d known what would happen before I came out to Beau, I would’ve kept my mouth shut and acted like everyone else. Even if that meant I’d never find love. Being completely alone was a much worse fate than that. I had absolutely no one to talk to or hang out with. I used to have lots of friends, but now I had no one, only tormentors.

Just before I was ready to leave for school, I checked my left arm. I had never told anyone about the scars I was hiding under my sleeve. No one cared anyway. I had a mean drunk as a father and an asshole as a brother, and neither of them cared. Actually, Allen would be thrilled if he ever found out about my scars.

The scars were sore, but they were healing. I would need to do something about them soon, but at that moment, I didn’t have the time. I was already late from school, so I rolled my sleeve back down and grabbed my bag before running out of my room.

Allen had already left. Good. I had to walk to school, and I was better off not doing so with Allen. I’d ended in ditches way too many times already because of him. He had tried to push me under a passing car a few times too, so it was a miracle I was still alive.

The weather felt even chillier when I stepped out. Since my bullies believed I didn’t need to shield myself from the cold, I didn’t have a jacket anymore. I had bought a new one after the old one got ripped to shreds, but it only took a few days before it was burned.

At least it never really snowed where I lived, and spring was starting soon. Holidays were over, and life was returning back to normal after the New Year. I hadn’t enjoyed the holidays. I’d been hiding in my room the entire time because Dad spent that time drinking with his buddies at our place, so my Christmas hadn’t been that great. At least Allen had stayed the holidays with our aunt, so I got some time off from him.

Now I just needed to stay away from him. And everyone else. I kept sneezing as I walked, and I was probably getting sick after staying outside the night. What made things worse was that every time I coughed, my body got caught in painful waves. I was pretty sure I didn’t have any broken bones, though the pain was pretty horrible. I still kept going.

It took me twenty-five minutes to arrive at school, to my personal hell. The classes had already started a long time ago, so the schoolyard was empty. I decided to skip the first period since I had already missed half of it.

The idea of dropping out crossed my mind again as I made my way to one of my hiding places. I was so tired… I couldn’t focus on studying like this. Not as long as I had to use my energy to survive. But… Mom wouldn’t have wanted me to drop out… I still loved her so much and didn’t want to disappoint her. She was the reason why I still tried my best at school, no matter what.

The only reason.

I couldn’t believe it was already four years since she passed away… It had taken only five months for the cancer to take her from me, and she lost the battle just before my thirteenth birthday. I hadn’t celebrated my birthdays since. There was nothing to celebrate.

I walked around to the back, and hid behind the thick, tall bushes that were growing right next to the wall. I had just enough room to move around behind them. No one could see me hiding there, not even if they tried. I had loads of hiding places around the school since I needed to stay hidden most of the time, and this one was one of the most secure ones.

I decided to do some homework since I didn’t get to do any of it yesterday. I sat down next to the wall and grabbed my half-torn schoolbooks from the bag, though using them to study wasn’t easy since some of the pages were missing.

Soon I got interrupted when I heard laughter nearby. I saw movement on the other side of the bushes, and I was pretty sure I recognized the pair of legs in black chinos and boots walking past my hiding place.

It was Deon, the troublemaker. I moved a little to see him making out with a girl, but not too close to get noticed because Deon hated my guts just like the rest of them. He was wearing a ripped T-shirt with text on it and had several keychains hanging on his waist. He had his shoulder-length, black hair in a messy bun, revealing some of the numerous piercings on his ears and eyebrows. I’d heard he had two more piercing on his tongue.

I had to be very careful when I moved around because of him. He was skipping classes even more than I did, and used a lot of my hiding spots not to get caught. More than once I had run into him while trying to hide from the others, so I had to be careful even when no one seemed to be around.

Quietly, I retreated back into the bushes. I tried to concentrate on math, but Deon’s girl of the day was giggling too loudly. I knew she was part of the cheerleading squad, though I didn’t know her name. Most likely the captain herself. Deon, on the other hand, wasn’t in any of the sports teams and he wasn’t that popular either, but the girls were really attracted to him. I did understand why. He was ridiculously hot with his dark eyes and rebellious attitude.

But he was not Beau… God, I missed Beau so much…

I still missed him, even though he was the one who started my hell four months ago. When I confessed how I felt about him… And learned he despised gays.

I sighed at the memory of Beau and put my books away. I rolled up the left sleeve of my hoodie to take look at my scars again. It was Beau’s name that was hurting on my arm. Whenever the scars healed, I cut the lines again so I would never forget him.

I didn’t want to forget the good feelings Beau used to make me feel. The butterflies in my stomach whenever he had looked at me. The way my heart had started beating faster whenever I heard his voice. I didn’t even want to forget the blush that crept up on my cheeks whenever he laughed with me.

And I didn’t want to forget the feeling I was filled with when Beau had called me a sick, disgusting fag for the first time. The feeling of having my heart and soul ripped apart. Since that day, I hadn’t felt anything good again.

It was Beau, my best friend and the guy I had fallen for, who had made me realize what kind of miserable excuse of a human being I truly was, and that I wasn’t supposed to be happy.

Ever.