I never should’ve told Beau that I loved him. I’d been childish enough to think he wouldn’t hate me even if I told him I was gay. I’d believed that even if he rejected me, we’d still remain friends.

I had never realized he hated gays, and that I wasn’t an exception. By the time I had gotten back up on my feet and dragged myself to the camp, everything had changed. They all knew already. Beau had told them about me.

In a heartbeat, I had become the most hated kid in the entire school. All my friends, everyone I knew, turned into my bullies, and I had absolutely no one left in my life. I had nothing good left in my life. There was only loneliness and ridicule, and eventually, pain.

“Where are you? Come here, little fag! Let’s have some fun!”

Four months later, I found myself hiding behind thick bushes at the back of our school. The last bell had rung a long time ago, but I couldn’t go home yet. A few of my bullies, led by Sean Curtis, had noticed me earlier at the entrance of our school. They never wasted an opportunity to pick on me.

“Come here, little faggy!” Sean shouted, laughing and whistling like he was searching for a lost dog.

I saw him prowling toward my hiding place with two of his friends, Drake Stone and Glen Mellow. I nearly panicked when I thought they had seen me, but when they reached the bushes, they turned left.

I held my breath when they passed by the spot where I was sitting. I had nowhere to run if they saw me lurking there. The back entrance of the school was thirty feet away from me, but the doors were closed already. There was a narrow pathway starting at the doors, leading to the parking lot. It was surrounded by walls and tall iron fences, making it a dead end.

My bullies had cornered me without them even realizing it. They were standing at the other end of the pathway, right next to the parking lot. I had no choice but to try to blend in with the shadows and wait for them to leave.

“Where are you? Come here, little fag! Let’s have fun!” Sean shouted again, and I shivered.

I knew awfully well what they meant by having fun. If they caught me, I would be in a world of pain. Again.

The three of them were the ones who bullied me the most. They were the first ones to start picking on me. It started as light shoving and calling me bad names, but eventually it got worse.

“I guess the little shit got away,” Glen said with an annoyed voice. “Too bad.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Sean growled angrily. “How the fuck can he just disappear like that?”

“Come on… Let’s go,” Drake spoke quietly. “We’re just wasting our time.”

I prayed to any god to make Sean listen to his friend. I was exhausted, tired and feeling sick from all the fear, and I just wanted to go home and get some sleep.

“Fine,” Glen spat, and they finally entered the parking lot.

After they sat down in Sean’s car, I let out a relieved sigh and leaned my head back against the brown wall. I could hear the roaring of Sean’s car when they drove away. I waited for a couple of minutes in case they decided to return, but when I couldn’t hear anyone close by, I wiggled around in my tight hiding spot.

I had always hated how small and thin I was, but during the past couple of months I had started to appreciate it. I could fit in the smallest of places and squeeze through the tiniest of gaps where my bullies couldn’t follow me.

I almost laughed out loud when I thought about all the things I disliked about myself back when Beau and I were still friends. I never liked my hair. I hated my acne scars. I didn’t like the clothes I wore and was always buying new ones. I loathed homework, and I got annoyed when I had to do chores at home… Those problems felt so meaningless compared to the new ones I now had.

The list of what I didn’t like had changed a bit. I didn’t like being hated, bullied and beaten up every day. I didn’t like it when other students stole my things, burned my books, tripped me over, pushed me down and called me bad names. I didn’t like being too scared to eat, or sleep, or even stand out in the open where people could see me.

I sniffed and wiped my face clean. I hated it when I started crying from relief after I’d managed to slip away from my bullies.

I took my black backpack from the ground and stood up carefully, trying not to make any sounds. I kept an eye on my surroundings while I crawled out of my hiding place. I couldn’t see anyone anywhere, so I stopped for a moment to wipe my clothes clean.

My black skinny jeans were torn around my knees from all the times I had fallen to the ground. The sleeves of my hoodie, of all my hoodies, had holes in them from all the times I had tried to catch myself after my bullies tripped me. I still had stinging wounds on my palms, and when I turned to see my reflection in a window, I could see more scratches on my cheeks.

I stared at my face and pushed back my long black bangs to see my blue eyes. I had deep, dark shadows around my almond-shaped eyes, and my skin was pale. I couldn’t tell my acne scars apart from the scars my bullies had given me. I looked like a poorly made wax figurine with a crow’s nest as my hair. I usually dyed my hair black, but now my roots were showing, and the dry tips were just a tangled mess, barely reaching my shoulders.

I had no idea why I even tried anymore. The old me, the one who cared about how I looked, tried to come out when I brushed my hand through my hair, trying to straighten it. It was useless. I couldn’t fix it.

I couldn’t be fixed. Not anymore.

I hugged my bag and turned my back on my reflection. The yard was empty. Even the teachers had left for the day. I could see only the old janitor closing the doors close by. I made sure he didn’t see me as I hurried to the gates. He once caught me hiding behind the gym, and chased me away with a broom, yelling profanities at me. He knew what I was, and he hated me just like everyone else.

When I walked through the gates, I saw a group of students hanging around on the other side of the street. I instinctively pulled my hood over my head and stared down as I hurried away from them. I wished they hadn’t noticed me, but I never had such luck.

“Hey fag!” they cooed with cruel laughter. “Where do you think you’re going? Come back here!”

I started running without hesitation, and they laughed. Everyone thought it was hilarious to see me run in fear… Thankfully no one followed me this time, but just to be sure I was left alone, I kept running until I was gasping for air and had to stop to take a breath.

I leaned against my knees, waiting for the dizziness to pass. It was dangerous to stay still for too long, so I continued my way down the street, pushing my hood back so I could see my surroundings. I was close to my home already. It was safe for me to walk, but I could see people looking at me in disgust, so I kept my guard up.

Sometimes I felt like the whole city knew I was gay. They all seemed to recognize me, and even complete strangers pointed at me wherever I went. I didn’t feel safe anywhere.

When I was about to cross a street to get to my home that was looming right up ahead, a car stopped in front of me. A blue car. Sean’s car.

“There you are,” Sean spoke with a friendly voice through the open window, but his eyes were gleaming triumphantly. “We’ve been looking for you.”

A thousand thoughts passed through my mind in a second. Why me? Why did they keep following me? Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? I was tired. I wanted to sleep. Please let this be a nightmare. Please make them go away. But one thought rose above all the others.

Run.

I turned around and without wasting another second, I sprinted toward the nearest batch of woods I could see. They couldn’t follow me there with their car, so I had a tiny chance of losing them – if only I could outrun them.

I heard the revving of the engine behind me when Sean hit the gas pedal. The screeching of the tires hurt my ears and made my heart quiver in fear. I was exhausted already, but I had to get away.

I knew they were going to beat me up. I was sure that this time they wouldn’t hold anything back because I had made them chase me. It was like that every time I managed to escape. They would punish me when they got their hands on me again.

The small forest was right there, right up ahead, but Sean sped up and got past me, suddenly turning right in front of me. I slid to a halt next to his car, barely avoiding getting crushed by it.

There was no time for me to stop and think how close to death I had been. Sean was already opening his door, so I hurried to climb over the hood without hesitation. Glen was getting out of the car when I jumped down and continued running for my life.

“Fag thinks he can outrun us!” Glen shouted with a cheery voice. “This is getting fun!”

Glen was on the football team, and he was the fastest. I could hear them all running after me, but Glen’s footsteps were closer than the others. I saw no one else around, so I was on my own against them, and I couldn’t run forever. The bullies were big and fast, and I was small, clumsy and exhausted.

My lungs were already burning, and my legs were hurting. I couldn’t run fast enough, no matter how hard I tried. I was way too tired, but somehow, I managed to dash past the first trees of the small forest without being caught.

I ran deeper, wondering why they were being so slow. Then I realized that it was exactly what they wanted. I was deep in the woods where no one could see or hear me getting beaten up. It was then that I sensed someone right behind me, grabbing me by my hood and forcing me to stop.

I turned around and tried to fight back, even though I knew it was useless. I saw Glen’s smirk above me, and I tried to pry his hand off me, but he was stronger. He didn’t have any trouble holding me still.

“Let me go!” I screamed.

Glen had a cold, uncaring expression on his face when he tossed me on the ground and kicked me hard. I tried to scream and shout for help, but the kick had cleared all the air from my lungs. I tried to shield my body with my arms while Drake and Sean ran to us.

They looked down at me like hyenas stared at their prey.

“Did you really think you could run away from us, little fag?” Sean laughed and kicked me on my back.

“Please! Stop!” I cried, fearing for my life.

“Emo fag thinks he’s better than us, don’t you?” Drake smirked and kicked me on his turn.

I cried and screamed helplessly when the first shower of hits and kicks poured down on me. I tried to curl up into a tiny ball to protect myself, but it didn’t help at all. The pain I was in was something I’d never felt before. I tried to cover my head with my arms, but Glen had kneeled right next to me, hitting me straight in the back of my head with so much force he knocked me out cold.