Every single second can be different in my life. I can wake up happy, have a bad day at school and then be fine that evening. One second, I can be fine and then someone will say something and my whole day is ruined. That means, I have to wear a mask, act happy if I was happier that day.

A single word or person can change a day for me. Hearing a friend wants to talk, we have an activity in a class or treats at home. Anything that makes me feel important, I’m no longer so gray.

The opposite is also true. One comment about how I look, something coming up that I’m not prepared for or someone deciding they don’t want to hang out and it all goes down the drain. I’ve had the best day ever and someone will say they think my laugh is weird, and I internalize it.

For the rest of the day, it’s all I think about. Good or bad, I can’t forget it. I over analyze, wondering how many other people know this, how many people notice me.

Sometimes, it’s a build up. I wake up okay but my hair doesn’t look good, I have a project and I’m anxious. Then traffic is bad, my clothes make me feel fat and I’m alone. By the end of the school day, I feel so tired and I sleep for a couple hours. The day is ruined and nothing makes it better.

Words are everything to me. It’s how I express myself, through writing. Words can make or break my day, and people throw words away.

I’ve had so many stupid comments thrown at me, something people probably don’t even mean. But I can’t forget them. My grandma made a joke about my panic attacks and I’ve been ashamed about them. My brothers made fun of my stutter and now I think everyone hates it too. I know they still love me, but I can’t forget what they said about me.

My advice, watch what you say. Joking about someone being autistic or laughing about wanting to die, those things hurt. One of my brothers actually wanted to kill himself, he had it all planned out. I’ve thought about it, how I would do it and finally leave this world.

Mental Illnesses aren’t a joke, it’s my everyday life.