I spent the next two days following Deon like a shadow. I carried his bag, fetched his coffee and food, took notes for him when he skipped classes, and kept an eye out for teachers when he was “bending” the rules.

And he bent them a lot. Smoking and skipping classes wasn’t enough for him.

“Okay, just stand there and don’t draw any attention to yourself,” Deon smirked just before he sneaked into the kitchen.

It was Friday morning, so I just had to survive that day and I would have the whole weekend without Deon. And without being dragged into his mischiefs. I was really looking forward to it.

I took a deep breath and sent a silent prayer to any god that was listening. We were so going to get caught. I had no idea what Deon was doing in the kitchen, anyway. I had no idea why he felt the need to cause problems all the time. And the weird part was that no one seemed to even punish him! It was different for me since the principal himself wanted me expelled. If I get caught helping Deon, they would kick me out in a heartbeat.

But sadly, that was a risk I was willing to take.

The past few days had been, well, not amazing exactly, but I was getting used to not getting bullied all the time. All the other students knew what had happened to Sean after he tried to ambush Deon, so no one even tried as long as Deon was there. No one stole my stuff, no one pushed me around, and no one even called me bad names. It was like I didn’t even exist to them anymore, and I was fine with that.

Because I had Deon to talk to. He wasn’t someone I wanted to be friends with, but he was the only one who tolerated me. He didn’t care much about what I said, but he didn’t tell me to shut up either. Not always, anyway.

After a small eternity, the door opened, and Deon sneaked out.

“Walk,” he muttered and hurried away from the door.

I followed him, trying to look as neutral as I could. I wanted to ask him what he had done, but I knew he wouldn’t explain anything to me. Once we were halfway at the other side of the school, he stopped to a halt, and I walked straight into him.

“Are you going to eat today at lunch?” Deon asked.

“Huh? Um, yeah… Why?” I asked.

“Don’t use the salt,” Deon said and without explaining, he continued, “What class do we have next?”

“Geometry. What did you do?” I asked.

“Something really immature,” Deon spoke with a conceited voice.

“Like yesterday, when you stole the receiver of Mrs. Quentin’s wireless mouse?” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I didn’t steal it. I just put it in her purse,” Deon said with a smile. “I bet she still doesn’t know why it’s not working,” he added with a chuckle.

“So the badass of the school is just a childish prankster,” I muttered.

“Don’t tell anybody,” Deon smirked.

*****

Lunch was… interesting. We sat there at the end of the huge cafeteria, and every time someone screamed in frustration, Deon laughed. I rolled my eyes and watched how yet another student grabbed a saltshaker from the small table at the end of the food line and carried it to the table. I saw his friends hiding their smirks – they already knew someone had unscrewed the lid of every shaker.

“Why is no one saying anything?” I asked when the poor student grabbed the shaker and turned it upside down over his lunch. The lid fell off, emptying the whole thing into his food. “I mean, they know what’s going to happen.”

“Everyone enjoys a good prank,” Deon chuckled. “They’re not going to stop it from happening.”

“People are cruel,” I sighed and turned to look out of the window.

“It’s just salt,” Deon said cheerily.

“Yeah… It’s not like they’re hurting someone just because it’s fun.”

I saw Deon’s expression dropping. “Sorry…” he muttered.

I shook my head. Deon was the only person who didn’t need to be sorry. We ate in silence, and I actually enjoyed being able to eat in peace at school. Every now and then a group of students started to laugh when someone wanted salt, but Deon didn’t seem to find it amusing anymore. I peered at him a couple of times, and he seemed like he was thinking something.

“What?” I asked gloomily when he suddenly stared back at me like he’d just come up with a brilliant plan.

“I need a favor,” he said and leaned closer. “I need a place to stay for tonight.”

“W-what…?” I stuttered.

“Yeah. It’s Friday, and I’m going out. But I can’t go home because my mom will flip her shit if she sees me drunk,” he explained. “So I’ll just crash at your place.”

“B-but… but… but… I–” I tried to come up with a good excuse to tell him hell no, but my mind froze, and I couldn’t think straight. “That’s not a good… idea…”

“Of course it is,” Deon smirked. “It’s settled then.”

“But–”

“Isn’t it a part of our little arrangement that you do what I tell you to do?” he asked coldly.

“Y-yeah…” I muttered, feeling defeated.

“So, how about you just say yes?” Deon continued and leaned closer to me.

I grit my teeth together and nodded. “Yes…”

“Good. Give me your number. I’ll text you when I’m coming,” he said. He had a smile on his face again, but it didn’t look like a friendly one.

I sighed and turned to look away from him, and my eyes immediately landed on Beau. He was staring at us at the other side of the cafeteria. When our eyes met, he wrinkled his nose in disgust and turned to talk to his friend.

I shivered and looked down at my plate. He still hated me, it was obvious, so why had he helped me the other day? If only I knew why.

*****

When school finally ended, I had almost forgotten my promise to Deon. After seeing Beau looking at me, watching us with that angry look in his eyes, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I saw him everywhere. I heard his voice all around me. I knew I’d never be able to get over him, and it didn’t help that I had to see him every day.

I walked Deon to his car and gave him his bag when he sat behind the wheel. “See you later,” he said before slamming the door shut.

I really wished he’d find someplace else to stay. I didn’t mind following him around at school because I was getting used to not having any new bruises, but how on earth was I going to sneak him in my room without Dad or Allen noticing it? Especially if he was drunk!

I let out a deep sigh and started walking home. I kept my eyes open, as usual, and listened to every sound around me. I was afraid that Sean and his friends would follow me and use the opportunity to beat the crap out of me since Deon wasn’t around.

I walked slowly and carefully, but no one seemed to follow me. Nevertheless, I couldn’t relax until much later when I walked around the corner of the convenience store in our neighborhood and saw my home looming up ahead. I was stupid enough to think I was safe and let my guard down.

And just a few seconds later, I saw a pair of hands reaching out to me behind the corner. I yelped when they grabbed me, pulling me into a narrow alley where no one couldn’t see me.

“Let me go!” I hissed as I fought back as hard as I could.

I couldn’t see who was holding me, but that person surprised me when they suddenly let me go. I stumbled forward and turned around, expecting to see Sean or one of his friends, but it wasn’t them.

“Beau?” my voice was almost a whisper as I stared at my former best friend.

Beau was alone. He stared at me with a frown on his face. I was ready to run if he decided to attack me, but he just stood there, glaring at me.

“What do you want?” I tried to sound hostile, but my voice was trembling, and I blushed lightly.

He squinted his eyes, and it became harder for me to breathe. He looked so good! I had to fight against my urge to fall down at his feet to worship the ground he was standing on. He was gorgeous in his black shirt and black skinny jeans. His shiny, brown hair was perfectly framing his beautiful face and stunning blue eyes, and I nearly melted when he looked at me.

I already forgot what I asked, and he startled me when he spoke, “Are you fucking him now?”

“W-what? W-who?” I asked nervously.

“That guy, Deon. Are you sleeping with him?” Beau asked with an irritated voice.

“No. I’m just… He’s… It’s complicated,” I said, not knowing how to explain the situation without sounding extremely pathetic. I couldn’t just tell him Deon was basically blackmailing me. When Beau didn’t reply to me, I asked, “Why do you want to know?”

“So there’s nothing going on between you and him?”

“No,” I shook my head timidly.

Beau didn’t look convinced. I had no idea what was going on, or why he wanted to know if I was sleeping with Deon, but I was happy that he was there.

“Are you stalking me?” I asked with a nervous giggle, and he flinched.

“What? No,” he spat at me, and I stopped smiling.

“Then… Why are you here?” I asked hesitantly.

He looked like he didn’t know the answer to my question. For a moment, he seemed somehow… lost. He turned to look away from me and I could see his jaws clenching together, like whatever he was about to say next was taking all his effort.

“I’m sorry.”

I stared at him with wide eyes. He had spoken so quietly that I thought I’d misheard him.

“What?” I whispered.

He turned to look at me with an angry expression on his face. “I said I’m sorry!” he snapped, but his tone changed softer when he continued, “I didn’t know they would hurt you like that. I’m sorry for telling them about your… your…”

“Sexuality?” I helped.

I had dreamed about this moment for far too long. I had waited for him to apologize, but when it finally happened, I didn’t know what to think.

“Yeah…”

He seemed sincere, but…

“It was four months ago,” I said, and it was my turn to look away. “It’s an awfully long time. If you are sorry, then why did it take you so long to say it?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t know what to think,” Beau said quietly. “I thought I hated you, but the truth is that I miss you.”

I had waited for him to say those words, but at this very moment they hurt more than anything that Sean or anyone else had done to me in the past four months.

“Why now?” I asked quietly, like I didn’t know the answer already.

“I… I thought…” Beau stuttered and fell silent without explaining.

“You thought I’m with Deon now.” I almost laughed. “No… I can’t forgive you. I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“No! Theo, please don’t be like that. I really miss you,” Beau spoke and took a step closer, but he stopped when I backed away from him. “I want us to be friends again. I know I was a jerk, but I want to make it up to you.”

“Beau… I…” I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “I wish it was that simple.”

“Why can’t it be simple?” Beau asked and took another step towards me. “Look, I get it now; I was a jerk to you, and I’m sorry. I was just so surprised and I admit I didn’t handle it well.”

I didn’t answer him. I wanted to forgive him – I really did – but there was something nagging at me. Something I couldn’t just ignore, not even because of Beau.

“All right. You need some time to think,” he said and stepped away. “I get that. I just wish we can be friends again. Someday, when you’re ready.”

“I don’t know…”

“Don’t be like that,” he pleaded. “Give me another chance. I promise, I will not screw it up.”

“I’ll… I’ll think about it,” I muttered before turning my back on him.

“Theo,” Beau said my name tenderly, “I really miss you.”

His words felt like an icy knife in my heart. I didn’t look back at him when I hurried out of the alley and continued my way home. I had no idea what to think, or how to feel. I wanted to go back to him and forgive him. I also wanted us to be friends again, but the past four months had taught me to be really careful around people.

Including Beau.

But it wasn’t easy to walk away from him. A part of me begged me to go back and forgive him, but I couldn’t. The first tears rolled down on my cheeks when I reached my home, and by the time I stepped in and closed the door behind me, I was gasping for air.

“Beau…” I whispered his name and tried to wipe away the tears, but new ones kept coming down.

How long had I wished for him to take me back? How long had I waited for him to say he was sorry? I knew in my heart that I should’ve just forgiven him, but the words didn’t come out.

I didn’t even understand why.

“Oh my god… I’m so stupid,” I muttered and tried to breathe, but my throat was burning and I felt like choking. “He said he missed me…”

And I was stupid enough to walk away from him. From Beau, who I still loved.

“I’m so ridiculous…” I almost laughed at myself, but I was such a disappointment that all I could do was cry. “Why didn’t you forgive him…?”

I guess it was then, when it really hit me. Beau wanted me back, and I told him no. I couldn’t breathe anymore. My whole body turned numb, and I had to sit down on the floor. I trying to fill my lungs with air, starting to feel dizzy while the new set of tears leaked down on my face. I hated myself so much that I really wished I had already killed myself.

“Stupid… Pathetic…” I gasped. “Ridiculous…”

It helped me to breathe when I concentrated on those three words. I kept muttering them out loud, but even though I wasn’t choking anymore, my skin felt like there were thousands of bugs crawling under it. My whole body was burning, and I couldn’t stand it. I lifted my hand up in my hair without even realizing it, and wrapped my fingers around a small lock, pulling it lightly.

“I’m so ridiculous…” I whispered. “Ridiculous… Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous…!”

I yanked the strand harder, and I could hear the sound of them tearing off my head, but I hardly noticed the stinging pain. All I could think of was Beau, and how I had walked away from him. My hands were shaking uncontrollably when I replayed our conversation, hearing Beau’s every word as an echo in my head.

“Ridiculous…” I kept muttering, feeling like I had just lost my mind. “Stupid, pathetic, ridiculous…” I repeated the words, and my voice grew stronger and stronger, until I felt like I couldn’t bear all the emotions I had inside me.

I had to do something to relieve my anxiety, so I returned to the front door to find my bag, holding another lock of my own hair when I sat down on the floor. I took the notebook and a pencil and started to write.

“Ridiculous.”

I wrote the word ‘ridiculous’ over and over again, pressing the pencil hard on the paper, thinking about how ridiculous I’d been for hoping everything would magically be all right if Beau apologized to me. I’d been ridiculous when I thought we could just carry on like we used to, like nothing bad had ever happened between us. I was ridiculous enough to still believe that if I’d forgive Beau, everything would be all right again. It was ridiculous of me to even consider forgiving him. I was ridiculous because I didn’t forgive him.

When the page was full, I lifted my pencil and stared at the words with a numb feeling in my guts.

“Beau…” I sniffed and leaned my head against the notebook, wrapping my arms around myself.

I was ridiculous for thinking that I had a chance to be happy again.