I didn’t go to the rest of my classes. I stayed behind the maintenance building, crying and plucking hair off my head one by one to ease up my miserable soul. I wondered, if I never left my hiding place, how long would it take before my rotting corpse was found.

No one would care if I went missing. No one would look for me, so it would take days before the smell would give me away. Maybe the animals would get to me first. It would be better if I was eaten by the animals because then I’d be useful for once. I definitely wasn’t useful to anyone in life.

Useless. Fifth word to describe me. I picked up the notebook and started filling up the next page. I was almost done writing when I heard noises really close to me. There was someone pushing through the fence to get to where I was! I turned to look at the corner in horror, and my heart started beating faster. Had someone seen me? But that wasn’t possible! I had no time to react when a tall figure stepped around the corner, squeezing through the tight space between the fence and the wall.

“So you’re still using this place to hide,” Beau said when he looked down at me.

“I’m – I’m not hiding...” I muttered – I was deeply shocked to see him standing there.

I did not expect it to be Beau who had found my hiding place. Deon probably knew about it, and Sean might be clever enough to follow me, but Beau?

“Don’t you remember? We used to come here to hide when we were freshmen,” Beau said and sat next to me. When I didn’t reply to him, he looked at the notebook I still had on my lap. “What’s that?” he asked, and I hurried to hide the book inside my backpack.

“Just a notebook,” I muttered in shame.

“Oh...” Beau said and looked at my face. “I heard Deon spent the night with you last weekend.” His voice was questioning and slightly angry too.

“He needed a place to crash. It’s a part of our deal...” I muttered and looked away from his beautiful features.

“What deal?” Beau asked sharply with a frown.

“If I help him out, he helps me out with my...” I trailed off.

“So he is protecting you?” Beau asked quietly. “From Sean and the others?”

I nodded and looked at him. I was surprised he knew about our arrangement.

“Were you looking for me?” I asked shyly. 

Beau was quiet for a moment, looking embarrassed and young all of a sudden.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he said eventually. “I hope you believe me when I say that I really am sorry for what has happened to you; that you got bullied because of me.”

He was sitting really close to me, looking so unbelievably good, and smelling even better. Our arms were almost touching, and I could feel the warmth radiating from his body.

“Why didn’t you do anything? Why now? Did you get jealous because of Deon?” I asked all the questions that had burned in my head throughout the weekend.

“I – I didn’t know you were getting hurt. I saw you with Deon the other day, behind the school. I thought he was going to do something really bad to you when he almost took off your shirt,” he explained and fell silent with a pained look on his face. “I saw your bruises. There were so many of them...”

I stared at him for a long while. I couldn’t fully believe my own eyes when I saw Beau almost in tears.

“I’m so sorry, Theo,” he whispered.

I hesitated for a moment, but then found enough courage to place my hand on his shoulder, and when he didn’t push it away, I hugged him.

“I forgive you,” I said quietly, leaning my chin against his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry...” Beau whispered one more time, hugging me back.

It took a long time before he moved and let go of me. I felt a little disappointed when he did, but I didn’t really mind. I felt so happy because he was there. I’d waited for him for so long. I’d waited for him to say sorry for four painful months...

But there was still something buzzing in my head. Something that ruined my happiness.

“You called me a disgusting fag,” I said quietly, unable to look directly at him anymore.

He let out a deep sigh and looked down at the ground.

“I said it, because...” he began, but then he fell silent like he had changed his mind.

He looked like he was having an inner battle with himself. I waited for him to continue, and when I was sure he wasn’t going to speak another word, I got up on my knees.

“I still like you, Beau, but I can’t do this,” I said quietly, trying to let him know how sorry I was.

Before I could move another inch, he grabbed my hand, keeping me from leaving. I turned to look at him, but he had his head bowed so low I couldn’t see his eyes behind his golden bangs.

“I had a crush on your brother.”

“What...?” I asked, staring at him with wide eyes.

“He said those same words to me,” he whispered.

“But – I mean – Allen?” I said in shock and sat back down.

“Before he turned into a total douchebag, yeah,” Beau explained and smiled with sad eyes. “I liked him, but he said I was disgusting.”

I just sat there, not knowing what to say or what to even think.

“I know it’s not an excuse, but I’d tried so hard to believe there was something wrong in how I felt. When you said that you liked me, I...” he paused for a moment before he continued with a weaker voice, “I freaked out. I thought it was wrong.”

Then he fell silent again. He was still holding my hand in his, but I hardly noticed it. I was still in deep shock after hearing about his secret.

“I was ashamed of my feelings,” Beau continued so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

“For Allen?” I asked.

“No,” Beau said, and I frowned.

He looked at me straight in the eyes and squeezed my hand, pulling me closer. I forgot to breathe when he leaned toward me, and when his lips were suddenly on mine, my mind froze. The kiss was short and sweet, and after Beau parted our lips, he whispered, “I fell for you long before you confessed to me.”

Beau kissed me!

“Oh... I see,” I muttered, but in reality, I couldn’t understand anything anymore.

He kissed me!

“I wish I could take everything back,” Beau said with a pleading tone in his voice.

He kissed me, and I kissed him back!

“I – I need to think about this,” I muttered.

I hurried to my feet and grabbed my bag. My mind was a complete mess, and nothing made any sense anymore. Beau had just kissed me, and I kissed him back…

…but all I could think of was running away.

I had no idea how I managed to get home. When I slammed the front door shut, the harsh sound finally woke me up. I looked around in the hallway, feeling surprised to see I was already at home. I didn’t even know what time it was, but I couldn’t hear Dad or Allen anywhere, so it couldn’t be that late.

I pushed that thought aside and touched my lips. I could still feel Beau’s mouth on them, and I nearly panicked. I had done it again. I had left him without any explanations and hurried away. But why? I already forgave him!

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, knowing I’d freak out if I didn’t. I was just surprised, that’s all. He kissed me so unexpectedly that I had no other choice but to leave. The kiss had felt wonderful, but I was still such a mess I simply couldn’t deal with it.

Once I’d calmed down a bit, I’d call him and explain everything. I didn’t want him to leave me – not again – but I didn’t want to ruin anything by rushing into things. I mean, I just found out he once had a crush on my brother! What was that all about? Allen was mean. He didn’t even have a girlfriend!

But that wasn’t what really bothered me. It was the fact that Beau hadn’t done anything in four months. He’d never seemed like he cared. Not until Deon walked into the picture. I wanted to believe it was just a coincidence, or that Beau had followed Deon’s example and pushed his insecurities aside to finally help me. He did say he regretted everything. He wished he could take it all back.

I leaned against the wall. A thousand thoughts and scenarios rushed through my mind, and I couldn’t make anything out of them. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to believe. I didn’t even know if I could trust Beau, or did I even want to trust him.

But the kiss... I closed my eyes and relived that moment in my head. Beau looked so good, so amazing, and his eyes looked warm, and maybe a little sad. And his lips... His soft, warm lips... I could still taste them. That had been the happiest and the scariest moment in my entire life. I opened my eyes again and sighed silently. I wished I had someone to ask for advice. Beau seemed sincere, but I had no idea what to do.

At least I now knew I wanted to forgive him. To be honest, I’d already forgiven him. Beau seemed to have his own issues and worries, so how could I blame him? I knew how awful it was to come out as gay and be rejected so horribly. If I’d been Beau when I confessed my feelings to him, I'd probably have done the same to protect myself. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so harsh on me, but I'd definitely be too scared to admit I was gay too.

I mean, if I now had the option to live that day at the camp again, I wouldn't confess my feelings to Beau since I knew the outcome. So... I couldn’t blame him.

I nodded to myself, grabbed my bag and made my way up to my room. I’d give Beau a second chance because not everything that had happened since that camp was entirely his fault. Beau was a victim too. If Allen hadn’t been the jerk he was, maybe none of it would've happened.

I knew it was useless to wish that things would’ve turned out differently. All I could do was get over it and look forward. Maybe Beau and I would become friends again.

And maybe more.