I didn’t go to the rest of my classes. I stayed behind the maintenance building, crying and plucking hair off my head one by one to ease my miserable soul. I was so disappointed in myself... I finally had someone to talk to, and I ruined it already...

And I wondered... if I never left my hiding place, how long would it take before my rotting corpse was found...?

No one would care if I went missing. No one would look for me, so it would take days before the smell would give me away. Maybe the animals would get to me first, but it would be better if I were eaten by them... That would mean I’d get to be useful for once. I definitely wasn’t useful to anyone in life.

Useless... That was the fifth word to describe me.

I grabbed the notebook and started filling up the next page. I was almost done writing when I heard noises really close to me. There was someone pushing through the fence to get to where I was! I turned to stare at the corner in horror, my heart racing. Had someone seen me? But that wasn’t possible!

In my panic, I had no time to react. A tall figure stepped around the corner, squeezing through the tight space between the fence and the wall. I froze to stare at him.

Beau...?

“So you’re still using this place to hide,” Beau said when he spotted me sitting on the ground.

He didn’t seem surprised at all to find me here...

“I’m... I’m not hiding...” I muttered in my shock as he made his way closer past the bushes.

Why was he here? How did he find me?! He was the last person I’d expected to find my hiding place! Deon probably knew about it, and Sean might be clever enough to follow me, but Beau?

“Don’t you remember? We used to hide here all the time when we were freshmen,” Beau said and sat next to me. Since I still could only stare at him in disbelief, he glanced at the notebook I still had on my lap. “What’s that?”

I finally managed to stop staring at him and hurried to hide the book in my backpack.

“Just a notebook,” I muttered in shame.

“Oh...” he uttered and looked back up at me.

I kind of thought he would try to ask more about the notebook, or ask why I was hiding here, or maybe bring up the last time we met on Friday, but no...

“I heard Deon spent the night with you over the weekend.”

I was taken aback by his words. His voice was questioning, but there was a hint of anger too. I had to look away from his beautiful features.

So this was about Deon again...?

“He needed a place to crash. It’s a part of our deal...” I muttered.

“What deal?” he asked sharply.

“If I help him, he helps me...” I explained.

There was a pause between us. I didn’t dare look at him. I didn’t want to admit I was pathetic enough to need someone else to keep me safe from my bullies.

But I didn’t need to admit anything.

“So he is protecting you?” Beau asked quietly. “From Sean and the others?”

I was surprised he knew about our arrangement... But I guess it was obvious. I nodded hesitantly and carefully peered at him. He had a blank expression on his face as he watched me.

“Why are you here?” I asked, feeling shy under his beautiful eyes. “Were you... looking for me?”

He froze a little, then turned away, looking embarrassed and somehow young like a child all of a sudden.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he said eventually. “I hope you believe me when I say that I really am sorry for what has happened to you. I’m sorry you got bullied because of me.”

I stared at him, again in shock. But I let out a breath, feeling... I couldn’t even tell what I was feeling... He was sitting really close to me, looking so unbelievably good, and smelling even better. Our arms were almost touching, and I could feel the warmth radiating from his body. How I had wished we could be close like this again...

But...

“Why didn’t you do anything? Why now? Did you get jealous because of Deon?” I blurted out all the questions that had burned in my mind throughout the weekend.

“I... I didn’t know you were getting hurt. I saw you with Deon the other day behind the school. I thought he was going to do something really bad to you when he almost took off your shirt,” he explained and paused with a pained look on his face. “I saw your bruises... There were so many of them...”

I stared at him for a long while. He was... He was almost in tears. I couldn’t fully believe my own eyes as I stared at him...

“I’m so sorry, Theo,” he whispered, and finally faced me again.

I hesitated but then found enough courage to place my hand on his shoulder, and when he didn’t push it away, I hugged him.

“I forgive you,” I said quietly, resting my chin on his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry...” Beau whispered one more time, hugging me back.

It took a long time before he moved and let go of me. I felt a little disappointed when he did, but I didn’t really mind. I felt so happy because he was there. I’d waited for him for so long... I’d waited for him to say sorry for four painful months...

But there was still something bothering me... Something that ruined my happiness.

“You called me a disgusting fag,” I said quietly, unable to look directly at him anymore.

He let out a deep sigh and turned to stare at the ground.

“I said it, because...” he began, but fell silent like he’d changed his mind.

He looked like he was having an inner battle with himself. I waited for him to continue, and when I was sure he wasn’t going to speak another word, I got up on my knees.

“I still like you, Beau, but I can’t do this,” I said quietly, trying to let him know how sorry I was.

Before I could move another inch, he grabbed my hand, keeping me from leaving. I turned back to him, but he had his head bowed so low I couldn’t see his eyes behind his golden bangs.

“I had a crush on your brother.”

“What...?” I asked, staring at him with wide eyes.

“He said those same words to me,” he whispered.

But... What...?

“But... I mean... Allen?” I said in shock and sat back down.

“Before he turned into a total douchebag, yeah,” Beau explained and smiled with sad eyes. “I liked him, but he said I was disgusting.”

I just sat there, not knowing what to say or what to even think.

“I know it’s not an excuse, but I’d tried so hard to believe there was something wrong in how I felt. When you said that you liked me, I...” he paused and took a deep breath before he continued with a weaker voice. “I freaked out. I thought it was wrong.”

Then he fell silent again. He was still holding my hand in his, but I hardly noticed it. I was in such deep shock after hearing his secret. I mean... My brother? Allen? How was I not supposed to be in shock after hearing something like this?

“I was ashamed of my feelings,” Beau continued so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

“For Allen?” I asked.

“No,” Beau said, and I frowned.

He looked me straight in the eyes and squeezed my hand, pulling me closer. I forgot to breathe when he leaned toward me, and when his lips were suddenly on mine, my mind froze. The kiss was short and sweet, and after Beau parted our lips, he whispered, “I fell for you long before you confessed to me.”

Beau kissed me!

“Oh... I see,” I muttered, but in reality, I couldn’t understand anything anymore.

He kissed me!

“I wish I could go back in time and change everything...” Beau said with a pleading tone in his voice.

He kissed me, and I kissed him back!

“I... I... Sorry... I need... I need time to think,” I muttered.

I hurried to my feet and grabbed my bag. My mind was a complete mess, and nothing made any sense anymore. Beau had just kissed me, and I kissed him back...

...but all I could think of was running away.

I had no idea how I managed to get home. When I slammed the front door shut, the harsh sound finally woke me up. I looked around in the hallway, feeling surprised to see I was already at home. I didn’t even know what time it was, but I couldn’t hear Dad or Allen anywhere, so it couldn’t be that late.

I pushed that thought aside and touched my lips. I could still feel Beau’s mouth on them, and I nearly panicked. I did it again. I had left him without any explanation and hurried away. But why? I had already forgiven him!

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I’d freak out if I didn’t... I needed to stay calm. I was just surprised, that’s all. He’d kissed me so unexpectedly that I had no other choice but to leave. The kiss had felt wonderful, but I was still such a mess I simply couldn’t deal with it.

I needed to calm down first, and then I’d call him and explain everything. I didn’t want him to leave me – not again – but I didn’t want to ruin anything by rushing into things. I mean, I just found out he once had a crush on my brother! What was that all about? Allen was mean. He didn’t even have a girlfriend because no one could stand him!

But that wasn’t what really bothered me... No... What really bothered me was the fact that Beau hadn’t done anything to help me in the past four months. It never seemed like he cared... Not until Deon came into the picture. I wanted to believe it was just a coincidence, or that Beau had followed Deon’s example and pushed his insecurities aside to finally help me. He did say he regretted everything.

He wished he could take it all back...

I leaned against the wall. A thousand thoughts and scenarios rushed through my mind, and I couldn’t make anything out of them. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to believe. I didn’t know if I could trust Beau, or if I even wanted to trust him.

But the kiss... I closed my eyes and relived that moment in my head. Beau had looked so good, so amazing, and his eyes had looked warm, though maybe a little sad. And his lips... His soft, warm lips... I could still taste them. That had been the happiest and the scariest moment in my entire life. I opened my eyes again and sighed silently. I wished I had someone to ask for advice. Beau seemed sincere, but I had no idea what to do.

At least I now knew I wanted to forgive him. To be honest, I’d already forgiven him. Beau seemed to have his own issues and worries, so how could I blame him? I knew how awful it was to come out as gay and be rejected so horribly. If I’d been Beau when I confessed my feelings to him, I probably would’ve done the same to protect myself. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so harsh with my words, but I definitely would’ve been too scared to admit I was gay too.

I mean, if I now had the option to live that day at the camp again, I wouldn’t confess my feelings to Beau since I knew the outcome. So... I couldn’t blame him.

I nodded to myself, grabbed my bag and made my way up to my room. I’d give Beau a second chance because not everything that had happened since that camp was entirely his fault. Beau was a victim too. If Allen hadn’t been the jerk he was, maybe none of it would’ve happened.

I knew it was useless to wish that things would’ve turned out differently. All I could do was get over it and look forward. Maybe Beau and I would become friends again.

And maybe more.