Thinking of the new girl possibly witnessing that sends another jolt of nausea through me. Not that I should care. I don't even know anything about her besides her name and that she has a knack for drawing the bloodthirsty undead. Why the fuck do I care what she thinks? Yeah, she's attractive. So what? From the conversation we had to the mocking smile on her face, she doesn't seem particularly friendly. The last thing I need to do is develop a crush on some bastard who I am unfortunate enough to be confined with in this miserable place.

Realizing I liked boys and girls wasn't some huge epiphany. I was in 6th grade when I developed my first crush on Jason, quickly followed by one on Katie. At the time it was the least of my concerns, so I didn't have some huge coming out moment. I had told my friends freshman year, and it wasn't a big deal. I'm not sure if others know since I have never dated anyone, the only people who talk to me on a regular basis besides my friends are Natasha and her horde.

My parents are oblivious, which in this situation is a blessing. I think my mom would maybe be accepting, if not for my dad. We don't go to church, but he was raised in the "Lord's House" by very strict parents. For someone with a drinking problem, it's a bit ironic his favorite passtime is to judge others for choosing to sin differently than him. He has a very limited, traditional view of the world and I'm not going to throw myself to the wolves by being like oh by the way, I'm bi. 

Dad's a problem enough without that little tidbit of knowledge. It was like when I used to have my episodes (mom's words, not mine) I could always hear him talking to my mom about how I wasn't normal.  That back in his day people didn't have depression. What a fucking joke.

Slowly, the pounding in my ears starts to subside, but my stomach is still twisted in knots. What just happened isn't anything out of the norm, but usually I'm paying attention so I can at least brace myself for the assault. Having not seen Natasha at all today, and her minions only in math, I was feeling like life hadn't completely fucked me for once. Oh, how wrong.

I hate it here.  Realistically, I know it should get better at some point. School sucks, but it's almost over. But then what? How is it possible to be so excited for something and yet terrified at the same time? I hate being stuck in school, but what else will I be doing to fill my time. I used to want to go to college, but I realize now that's just a sham. Spend money and go to school and be in debt for the rest of your life only to have a job that you have to stay committed to that makes you want to bash your head in. No thank you.

 Even if I wanted to go to school, my grades are average so it's not like I have any scholarships coming my way. Am I destined to live in this shit hole my whole life? If so, maybe I should just end it here in this disgusting bathroom, with all the misspelled curse words on the wall. Who doesn't know how to spell damn? That's not depressing at all.

Running my hands through my hair, I stand there for what feels like ages as I slowly pull myself out of the spiral. I just need to make it to the end of the day. I just need to keep breathing. Until the bell rings I stay hidden away in the stall, barely holding all my jagged pieces together.