Liam

I don’t really like swimming pools. I don’t like swimming, I don’t like being in a swimming trunk, I don’t like the smell of chlorine, I don’t like having to trust other people’s hygiene…

But I don’t mind being here when it’s to watch Adam swim. I won’t ever tell him but he is quite good and it’s pretty fun to cheer for someone who almost always wins.

There is no competition today, but he has practice and he is my ride, so here I am. Usually, I wouldn’t wait for him here – it’s boring and I know that since I came out some people are making jokes about why I really come to the competitions. I don’t mind the jokes, I think, I know Adam can take them, but I don’t want to put him in an awkward position with the other boys in his team. So I usually wait in the library. Which I guess is letting the bullies win.

But the library is under construction this week and my phone died making the pool the best place to be updated on when precisely they will be done. So here I am, waiting for the coach to be done torturing them. I don’t even know why they need a coach. All they have to do is keep swimming until they get faster right? I don’t even know why we call it a team when they don’t interact with each other. Nor how useful it is to have a captain. Do other schools have a swimming team captain or is it just us?

I am now completely distracted from my history homework so I look up from my notes and down the bleachers. At some point when I was lost in my thoughts, the coach must have called the end of their ordeal because the boys are getting out of the pool.

Adam and Caleb are the last ones to get out of the water, chatting and laughing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Caleb laugh when Adam isn’t around. Not this openly. Then again, it’s not like I know him. It’s not like I care. It’s not like I’m staring slightly longer than I should.

I look back on my notes. I don’t particularly like history. I like learning about how they viewed science and the discoveries made, but we don’t really focus on those in class. I have to spend twice the time to get the things I am not interested in to fit in my brain and I always saw it as a waste of time that I would therefore end up spending much more time learning things I’m just lukewarm about.

Anyway. It won’t be long before they are done showering and changing. I’ll go wait for Adam in the hall.

Of course, Adam is the last one to leave the changing rooms. Most of his team members greet me as they leave and I nod back. We’re not really friends, but I know all their names and they’re all nice enough because of Adam. I’m not cynical enough to think that they would be unpleasant without him, but I also know that we wouldn’t know each other’s name without the swimming team.

Just when I think that, Caleb gets out too. Okay. I’d probably know his name even if he wasn’t Adam’s friend. And not just because we have three classes together.

He stops a few steps from me and smiles. His smile is one thing I don’t get about him. He is hot, he is one of the best athletes in school, he is kind, people love him… and yet his smile is always so quiet and shy.

“He’s nearly done,” he tells me. “You know him. He can’t go until everything is back where it should be.”

“I know,” I reply like an idiot. Because I actually don’t. His bedroom looks like a bomb just exploded in it, the most cleaning I’ve ever seen him do was fill the dishwasher, and I have no idea what sort of equipment actually needs tidying up anyway after swimming. “Are you coming home with us?” I ask. That’s the extent of my relationship with Caleb. Being sort of in the conversation between him and Adam just because I’m in the car when we give him a ride home or when he comes to my place to hang out with my brother. And even then, the conversations are very generic and polite. I’m sure he’s nice and interesting. We just don’t really click together.

“No, my mom is picking me up.”

Then there is a half-awkward silence. I have nothing to reply to that and it’s not like we have much more to talk about. To be fair, there are loads of topics we could discuss. Like his upcoming swimming competition, one of the classes we have in common, the movie he saw with Adam last weekend and that I was with Masie three weeks ago… Even the weather, why not? But Caleb, despite his shy, quiet smile, or maybe because of it, makes me nervous and I always feel like an idiot when I talk to him.

“Okay, well. I’m gonna go. I wouldn’t want her to wait.”

“Sure. See you later.”

He nods and he leaves.

That confuses me a little bit. If he’s not waiting for Adam… why did he stay behind at all?

Caleb

I like being tired from swimming. It’s the right kind of tired. The type that calms my mind and helps my body sleep at night.

Most times.

It doesn’t really work tonight.

‘My mom is picking me up.’ ‘I wouldn’t want her to wait.’

What sort of an idiot am I? Why didn’t I just say ‘Adam will be out in a minute, see you tomorrow?’ It would have been a bit dry, but quite effective. And I wouldn’t have looked like an idiot.

I don’t know what I hoped would happen with this conversation. It’s like I can ever truly talk to Liam, but the one thing I do know it’s that it’s not with this conversation that he’ll think I might be cool and that we should maybe hang out more.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t even be thinking about him that way. It’s not like Adam would be cool with me dating his brother. It’s not like I’m even a hundred percent ready to date boys either. And, most importantly, it’s not like Liam has any interest in dating me.

So why am I so obsessed with him lately?

I am pretty sure that it is because of his laugh. When he lets himself open up and lets his guard down, he has the easiest laugh ever. It is a pure, happy, contagious sound. And the way his face lights up… Not that it matters that much. It’s not like I am the one making Liam laugh.

It’s also not like I could try to. Not only do I get flustered when he is around, he is also forbidden, isn’t he? I can’t imagine having that conversation with Adam. What if he gets upset and I lose my best friend?

I get back up and decide to get to the kitchen. I am neither hungry nor thirsty, but my body is getting as restless as my mind and I need to be doing something.

My mom is there, drinking tea, working on her laptop. She is one of these people who is more productive at night and in a place that isn’t her office. And her blood is probably more caffeine than anything else. At night, she drinks tea because it's ‘healthier’ and I stopped trying to tell her that it’s really not. She’s the parent.

“You’re up late,” she comments. “You usually sleep like a dead body after practice.”

“Not tonight,” I uselessly comment.

She shuts her laptop and I wish she didn’t. That means she will want to have a conversation and she knows how to make me talk. The more time passes, the more afraid I am that she will take me to things I’m not ready to share with her.

“Problems at school?”

“Not really. My grades are not great, but they are fine, practice is going great…” I shrug it off. Things at school really are fine.

“But that is only one side of school, Baby. Any problems with your friends?”

“Nope. Adam and I are great, I’m still good with the rest of the team, I get along with my classmates… So still not Prom King material, but I’m not a total social pariah either.”

“Girl troubles?”

I pause a second here. Being in the closet used to feel like keeping something private and that was fine. But lately, not telling her feels like lying and I am struggling with as much as I am with the rest of it… “No.”

But her eyes narrow and I know she is currently decorticating these two letters, getting from it more than what I intended.

“Boy troubles?”

“What?”

She sighs and pushes her laptop away. Her attention shifted from work to me. I don’t know if I am ready for that talk. And I don’t know how I feel about it coming from her.

“Caleb, we don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, and I might also be completely wrong. It’s just… a feeling I get about you sometimes.”

I can’t make eye-contact with her. How can I be this bad at social interactions? Her hand lands on mine and it helps a bit. Not enough for me to look up.

“Am I wrong?”

I shake my head.

“Okay. I can tell that you don’t want to talk about it, and that’s fine. Whenever you’re ready. But I want you to know something. It’s going to be alright. As scary and challenging as it all might seem now, it’s all going to be fine eventually.”

I could cry right now. I always knew she would be fine with it, but… It’s still such a relief to know for sure. I finally look up and squeeze her hand.

“So. Do you want to talk about your heart problems? We can keep it gender-free.”

“It’s not really problems, it’s just… a crush not going anywhere.”

“And that is unfortunately how it goes most of the time.”

I roll my eyes at her. “Aren’t you supposed to encourage me and tell me that I am good enough?”

“Oh, Baby, of course, you’re good enough! But in life, you will happen to like people who won’t like you back. And I’m sure there are a few people who like you and you don’t even realize. But in that particular case… why is this crush helpless? Is that person not interested in boys?”

“No, he is.” I don’t really feel like keeping it gender-free, even if it was nice of her to offer.

“Then what?”

“I don’t really talk to him.”

“Well, then that’s on you, Caleb. You are a lovely boy, and you have so much to offer. Whoever will be able to see that will be so lucky. But no one will be able to guess that if you don’t let them at least get a glance at it.”

“It’s complicated, Mom.”

“How so?”

“It’s Adam’s brother.”

“And if Adam is half the friend he seems to be, he won’t mind. Besides… that’s not really his business, is it?”

I guess not. And I hope she’s right. But I would also appreciate if she didn’t take away from me the convenient excuse I could hide behind.

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