Liam

“Which one is the most handsome?” Maisie asks me. We are in the bleachers by the pool. There won’t be a competition for a while, so Adam’s coach is making them have a ‘swim off’ (or whatever Adam told me it was actually called; I usually stop listening whenever it’s about swimming). It is sort of a competition between the members of the team that other students can watch to keep the competitive spirit among the swimmers, or something. There is usually quite a crowd coming to these, partly because there is some gambling happening.

“I’m not playing that game.”

“What’s the point in having a gay best friend if I can’t play that game?”

“My delightful personality? Having someone who’s always there for you? Or who’ll check your math homework? And who will never hit on you?”

“You’re a decent friend,” she admits, falsely picky. “But you have a problem with the swimming team.”

“My brother is in it.”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Don’t be such a baby. No one is asking you to look at your brother. He’s a boy and you’re still attracted to boys, aren’t you? So he can be a swimmer and you can be attracted to other swimmers. Besides, it’s a pretend game. No one is asking you to go down there and ask any of them out.”

I don’t tell her that this is precisely the issue. Adam is just an excuse. This game makes me uncomfortable because I know which boy I find most handsome, and if I go there, I’ll start wishing that this wasn’t just a pretend game, and that would make all the times Caleb comes home to spend time with Adam even weirder.

“Your brother is right,” she declares.

“About what?”

“This attitude is exactly why you don’t have a boyfriend!”

Ah. One of Adam’s favorite hobbies is to remind me that if I were less grumpy, I’d probably already have a boyfriend by now. I don’t mind the joke—I know my brother and his slightly inappropriate sense of humor—but I’m not sure it should spread.

Thankfully, Clara joins us, potentially putting an end to this uncomfortable moment. “Can I sit and cheer with you?”

Clara is Adam’s girlfriend. She’s a senior like him, so I mainly know her from the times she comes home for dinner or, like today, when there is a swimming event. Her friends are not particularly interested and, even if we’re not really friends, we are definitely friendly.

“Sure!” Maisie replies with her usual warm smile that happens to never, ever be fake. “You’re probably going to be more fun than this one.”

“Oh? What is he being a buzzkill about?”

“Picking up the hottest member of the team.”

“Well, of course! The hottest one is his brother. And he’s mine.”

“You just say that because you have to,” Maisie replies. “The hottest one is clearly Tom. Or maybe Caleb.”

The two of them start debating, absolutely not killing the weird moment, and I try to ignore the way my skin slightly tingled when Maisie called out Caleb’s name. That is ridiculous. How did I even develop a crush from history classes and moments stolen from time he was spending with my brother?

It’s not until Clara leaves to wait for Adam by the locker rooms (he won and she wants to be the first one to congratulate him) that I decide to answer my friend’s question.

“Hey, Maisie?”

“Yup?”

“You know your question from before?” I ask as we get into her car. “About the most handsome guy from the team?”

“I said ‘hottest’.”

“Not when you started the game.”

“Whatever. Do you finally have an answer for me?”

“I think it’s Caleb.”

“See? I knew you could do it. Nice choice!” Then her smile freezes slightly and she doesn’t turn the engine on.

“Wait… why are you looking all serious?”

“Because I might be the biggest idiot in the world.”

“What do you mean?”

“I pretend like I don’t notice it, but… when he’s home, I often find excuses to pop into Adam’s room, when we have lunch with them, I tend to be happier in the afternoon, I hate waiting for Adam’s practice to be over except when we give Caleb a ride home, and… I don’t know. I think I might have a low-key crush on him.”

“You call that low-key? If you put that on paper, it’s a love letter.”

“He barely knows who I am.”

“I don’t know about that. I’m pretty sure he notices the extra body in the car when Adam takes him home.”

“Yeah, okay, he knows my name, but that’s about it.”

“I don’t know. He talks to you more than some of his teammates.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably straight anyway.”

“Right. Exactly like the world thought you were before coming out. I mean… yes, he might be. But he might not.” She suddenly looks very excited. “Do you want me to investigate?”

“No. I absolutely do not want you to investigate.”

“Okay. What are you going to do then?”

“Absolutely nothing. I will do what most teenagers do when they have a crush on their older brother’s best friend: I will ignore it.”

Caleb

This is such an Adam thing to do. He is the one who asked me to meet him at his place and when I arrive, he isn’t there. I text him and he replies that he is sorry, he lost track of time and he is still at Clara’s, but he’s leaving now and I should just wait for him inside. Don’t get me wrong: he is reliable and generally punctual. Except when he’s with Clara and time suddenly doesn’t seem to mean much to him anymore.

I don’t even blame him. Good for them if they’re happy when they’re together.

I hesitate for a minute, but then I knock on the door. I’m sure Adam’s parents will let me wait in his room, and that seems like the least uncomfortable option.

“Oh, hi Caleb,” Adam’s mother says with a nice smile as she opens the door. “Adam isn’t here, I’m afraid.”

“I know, he’s running late. He told me it was fine for me to wait for him inside.”

“Of course, it is! You’re always welcome here!” I walk in and I’m about to thank her and disappear into Adam’s room when she does something I didn’t expect. She calls for Liam. He appears at the top of the stairs and frowns when he sees me, confused.

“Honey, your brother is running late. You don’t mind keeping Caleb company, do you?”

“No,” he replies, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. He probably feels awkward about this. We never really hang out, just the two of us.

“Great! I’ll leave you two alone. Caleb, are you staying for dinner?”

“No, not tonight, thank you.” My mom just finished her last big project at work and she won’t have to pull all-nighters for a while.

“Okay. Oh, and Liam? Door open, okay?”

He looks mortified for a moment but nods and turns around. I follow him, feeling like such an imposition. I should just have waited outside.

“Sorry about my mom,” he tells me as we get into his room. “Since I came out, my parents have not mentioned it once, but they have been much more relaxed about Maisie staying over. On the other hand, I can’t be unsupervised with boys anymore.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize your parents didn’t take it well. Adam never mentioned anything.”

“No, he wouldn’t. He tries to bring the subject up now and then, but… my parents are really good at changing the subject. Which we should do now. You probably don’t care. How is training going?”

“I can discuss other things besides swimming, you know?” I reply. He looks embarrassed and I didn’t mean it that way. I just wanted him to stop being so closed-off and defensive.

“You probably don’t want to talk about me coming out to my parents.”

“Why not?”

He shrugs. I can tell that this is a sensitive subject for him. The words come out of my mouth before I can think about them. I guess I wanted to find a way to show him that he isn’t alone and that he can talk about it with me if he wants to. I didn’t fully realize that it would be the first time I would say the words out loud. “At least you could tell them. I had to wait until my mom found out on her own.”

His eyes open wide and he slowly looks up to meet my eyes. “What?”

“No one knows except her. I haven’t even told your brother yet. I just… I don’t know. Felt like it was only fair that you’d know.”

“Adam will be fine with it,” he says, apparently unsure of where he should take this conversation.

“I know. But…”

“But it’s a big step,” he finishes. I nod. “Thanks for sharing this with me,” he adds.

I shrug because I don’t know what else to do. “How is your science project going?” I ask, remembering that he is going to enter some fancy science competition.

“Fine. How do you know about that?”

“You mentioned it in the car.”

He looks pleased and surprised that I would remember. And for the first time ever, I realize that, maybe, by trying to be invisible, I made someone else feel invisible. I wish Liam knew how untrue that is.