I wake up before Sarah does.

Someone has put a blanket over our shoulders, and it feels weird for me to have let myself be so close to someone I barely know. It’s always when I begin to think I know myself that I somehow prove myself wrong.

I gently lift Sarah’s head from my shoulder, using my half of the blanket as some sort of pillow for her against the wall. I allow myself to breathe deeply before I get up. I can’t leave Sarah there in the hallway, but I refuse to wake her up once more. I find someone to help me carry her back to her bed, and I grab my stuff that is still inside the room. My phone screen displays a text from Rachel, letting me know she’s waiting for me outside.

***

As I get down the stairs, my head begins to boil. I finally see my friend, standing by the door, overjoyed by how ‘well’ last night went. She talks excitedly for a while without noticing I’m not listening. The more she talks, the more crowded with words my headspace gets. It feels like she’s sucking my energy, and I don’t know if being angry is even rational right now. 

We get into the car and she puts on our usual music. She focuses in silence to drive out of the parking, but then she gets absorbed in some monologue about how wonderful it is that Sarah and I got along. I look at the dorms through the window as we pass them.

I kind of enjoyed the party, and it really was great to get to know Sarah. The book I began to read last night lays on my lap, and caressing the cover with the tip of my fingers calms me down a bit. I bite my bottom lip, unable to formulate what it is exactly that has gotten me in such a mood. My back hurts from my bad sleeping position and my eyes feel heavy. I try to reason myself, to tell myself it is only my tiredness acting up.

I close my eyes, breathing in and out to relax the tension in my shoulder. Just as I think I finally managed to calm down, Rachie unconsciously pinpoints exactly what’s bothering me.

“What did you think about Sarah?”, she asks. “I saw you two sleeping in the hallway and you absolutely need to tell me everything!”

I breathe in as my skin begins to prickle. I don’t want to scream, I don’t want to be angry. But I know she didn’t tell me about Sarah before because she knew I wouldn’t approve, and that alone is enough to anger me. She knows it annoys me when she tries to match me, else she wouldn't have hidden it.  I finally release my breath.

“Jam?”

It takes all of my efforts not to explode. I can feel the blood pulsating in my clenched fists, and I try to breathe once more because I know Rachie doesn’t deserve that. The last thing I want is to pick a fight with my only good friend. I take Sarah’s book with both of my hands in hope to calm myself down, but it only angers me further.

“Jamie?”

Her worried tone slowly brings me back. I try to find words that won’t offend her while still letting her know I didn’t like what she did. She pulls over so that she can face me, but I can’t look at her. My eyes stay fixed on Sarah’s novel, and I resist the urge to tear it apart. I muster the courage to look at her.

“Why do you always feel the need to find me a girlfriend?”, I finally ask, as calmly as I can.

Her expression shifts from worried to understanding to hurt. She seems taken aback by my question, unable to formulate an answer. As if finding love was the only thing that mattered and I suddenly exposed her to another point of view for the first time. She moves her mouth as if she was going to say something, but she decides against it. She fidgets with the volume of the radio before bringing it down completely.

She then explains to me how she genuinely thought I would get along with Sarah. Once she begins to talk, the words won’t stop flowing out. She talks and talks until I can’t make up the words she’s saying anymore. Is she not listening to me? She’s doing it again. All I want to do is cry, take her words and hit her with them. I feel anger boiling inside of my head and suddenly through my mouth.

“Stop it!”, I scream.

She looks at me in shock. I don’t usually snap, but I can’t contain it anymore.

“My worth is not defined by my ability to find myself a girlfriend; I don’t need to be with someone in order to be whole. And I know you want me to be happy; I’m grateful about that. But if I tell you I’m already happy, can’t you just let me be?”

She doesn’t answer and I feel the guilt taking over.