Part Two – I've Been Dreaming

I did it. I finished my first album. It only took forever but freaking I did it!

With it finished and being prepped for release in a few days, my friends invited me out for celebratory drinks. It took me an excited second to accept.

Here we are, meeting on the cold, damp street. My favourite street, simply because of the many neon signs displayed outside bars, restaurants, takeaways and a very tiny liquor store. The vibrant light glows around each door, reflecting off windows and the wet tarmac. Water rests, timelessly still, in the divots of the tram rails, pools of neon pink.

As much as I love the relaxing views nature presents to us, there's something so striking about drizzly nights in a city that completely captivates me.

"Everyone here?" Emi asks, her dark eyes piercing through the glowing reflections.

Emi always has a subtlety to her appearance, contrasting her personality pretty starkly. But tonight she didn't hold back. Glittering makeup, pops of blue and teal, dance on her dark skin. She let her hair down, thinner than usual but still rippling down her back. She keeps it scooped to one side, allowing earrings of teal dragonfly wings to sparkle freely.

She brought a friend along with her, Leona, someone I've met briefly before.

"We do not need a headcount." Luke complains, reaching a hand to his lightly gelled hair, stopping himself just in time, worried to mess it up. Apparently no one wants to tell him the wind already did that.

"Hush, I'm triple checking." Emi holds a finger to him.

I chuckle, taking her hand and moving towards the bar. "Come on." I drag her inside, Leona, Luke and Keiran following.

"First rounds on Jem!" Keiran declares, grinning mischievously. 

I push him with my shoulder, getting a laugh from him. "You guys invited me out!"  

"So you could buy us drinks."

"Wow."

"Hey, you'll be rich soon enough. Then you will be buying us drinks." Emi teases.

"Just because I have one album doesn't mean I'm suddenly gonna be a richass  famous rockstar. We don't even know if it'll sell well."

"Don't even know my ass!" Luke points a finger at me aggressively. 

"Glad to say I don't know your ass." 

"Shut up, man!" He laughs. I crack a smile too, swept away by the buzzing atmosphere.

I quickly cave, buying drinks for my friends and immediately stuffing my wallet back into my jacket to muffle it's hungry cries.

This bar isn't small by any means, but it's different areas give it different feelings. We always start in the coziest space, comfy stools around high tables, a navy blue booth seat hugging the outset window and dim warmth emanating from industrial lights.

"First drinks to Jem! For completing a whole fucking album! What the fuck, bro? A year ago you had like no songs!" Luke gives my exposed back a good thwack. A prime example of someone who doesn't need a drop of alcohol to seem drunk. He feeds off the energy – like a parasite.  

"Yeah, Jem congrats! When are you making music videos?" Emi leans on her elbow, curiosity and excitement dancing in her eyes.

"I uh-... Let's forget about that. I need a long break." I tip my glass up, taking the first gulp of sweet victory. It feels fucking good.

New rounds of drinks come out as the evening continues and we move towards the open space of the bar. Music plays everywhere, but it always sounds louder here. I'm not sure if that's on purpose, I've always been a little too far past sobriety to comprehend little details like that.

Nevertheless, it's always fun, exhilarating. Laughing with friends and dancing in the electrical streams of everyone around me. It's a similar kick to when I'm on stage. But nothing beats performing. Singing and jumping and being the source to everyone else's buzzed feelings. It puts me on a high like nothing else.

A huge smile twists between my cheeks, my legs tingle with joy – or alcohol. A fresh wave of excitement crashes through me, thick with anticipation for February. 

"Luke, you've got an admirer." Emi carefully gestures to a petite girl who quickly looks away from us, blonde hair flicking over her cheeks.

"How do you know she's looking at me? She probably recognises Jem," he looks right at me, muttering an insult that gets lost under the music.

I'm offended regardless, "Don't blame me for your appealessness. I wouldn't date you either." I fold my arms over my chest, smiling contently. 

"What- says you! Look at your baby face. You barely look 12. It's pretty cute actually." 

"Get your gross hands off me!" I attempt to say, cheeks firmly squashed between Luke's wide hands. 

He laughs as I fail terribly to look annoyed, my angry pout crumbling under a laugh that I can't control. It bounds out until we're both a mess of incoherent words and fumbling laughter.

"Okay, boys, I'll give you permission to leave early if you can’t keep your hands off each other, but I won’t be happy about it.” Emi tells us around a stern look. Leona giggles into her glass, by her side.

Luke throws his hands up, holding his palms out by his head in a mock attempt to look innocent. His fingers catch the dim colours of the lights, seemingly taking him back to the place he stands: a bar. With a cute girl who just might be interested in him. “I’m gonna go over there.” He tells us and walks away with his hands still up.

We all watch him go silently before one by one we all crack into a contagious laughter, once again. On that kind of high where everyone and everything just seems so good, so funny and the whole world seems right. 

Despite my messy steps and saying every half formed thought in my head, I still feel a zap of adrenaline coursing through my veins and a buzzing on my ass.

Wait.

I spend a second in utter confusion, until eventually, my mind makes the connection and I slide my phone out, acknowledging my notifications before trying to unlock my phone.

989898 Wrong password

Oh shit, I changed it didn’t I?

787878 Wrong password

I swear I wrote it down somewhere for this exact purpose but-... I wrote it in my notes. On my phone. And I wasn’t drunk when I did that part. Holy shit what is wrong with me.

When I look up I catch Kieran’s expression: eyebrow raised with a suppressed grin. It’s only then that I realise I’ve been laughing at myself for a hot minute. I feel my cheeks start to burn but it doesn’t stop me from trying again.

898989

Aha! I just reversed my old password, of course!

A few messages from Fahim sit at the top, the source of the buzzing. I skip those like a student skipping pages in their assigned reading, and my eyes find their way to the chaos happening on my socials.

I open it, my brain struggles to take everything in but my heart still stutters when the realisation dawns on me.

〇 NotaPeoplePerson A picture of Jem and Isaac??! @JemJohnstone [See attached image]

There isn’t a picture of Isaac and I together, they can’t have- it’s impossible. 

The room starts to muffle, fade away. The music, chatter, the laughter, everything escapes my ears completely and leaves me standing there, alone in my own mind. My own torment.

I take deep breaths, welling up the courage in me to see the picture. There’s no way. They’ve Isaac mistaken with someone else. They have to, it makes no sense otherwise. 

Unless… Unless Isaac shared a screenshot of our video call? Decided to use me for drama or popularity or- No. This is Isaac. I've known him for years, he wouldn't do this…

Breathe Jem, in and out. 

I finally click it.

I’m not sure if it’s my signal or the alcohol or my panic, but the picture loads in painfully slow, every little pixel forming a second at a time.

Finally, it forms on my screen, the light swirling in my drunken haze. I see enough of to let out such a deep sigh, not realising how much I was holding in.

It isn’t Isaac, of course it wouldn’t be, I know they don’t exist. No, instead, it’s the guy from - what, a month ago? The two of us in the park, a smile on each of our faces. I’m pretty sure he’s younger than me, yet he almost towers over me.

Relief washes through my body and I bask in that feeling for a moment. 

“You okay, dude?” Kieran asks, the first sounds my brain registers in what feels like hours in the space of minutes.

I look at him, Emi is hugging his arm and sharing the same concerned look, both slightly dazed by their drinks. Leona and Luke are nowhere to be seen.

“Yeah, sorry. Just some people thinking they found Isaac’s face.” My words come out rushed, tripping over my tongue as I hold my phone up for them to see.

They exchange a glance, eyes round, before leaning in to take a better look.

“Is that him?” Emi asks with worry twisting her pitch.

I shake my head, a little too forcefully. “We haven’t met in person before so the pictures do not exist. Besides, Isaac looks better than him.”

“Jem!” Emi scolds me, her rough tone destroyed by a soft chuckle, “You can’t say that!”

“Just did.” I stick my tongue out. Not sure if it’s possible, but I can almost feel my cheeks dimpling. For a moment, all my worries escape me.

“Then what does Isaac look like?”

“Pretty.” I say with the utmost certainty.

Emi laughs. Kieran tightens his grip on her arm, sliding another hand behind her back to keep her upright. “I’ma need more than that!” She demands.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I- have to look at what people are saying.” My gaze shifts back to my phone and I begin scrolling through my feed, not paying attention to a single letter.

“Is it just the lighting or is Jem blushing?” I hear Emi whisper-shout to Kieran. I feel their eyes back on me, intense stares burning into my suddenly very exposed self.

“He does look a little red.” Kieran agrees when he’s done assessing me, the sound of a smile clear in his voice.

“It’s the alcohol!” I protest, not looking up from my screen.

“Sure, honey. It has nothing to do with how you find Isaac pretty.” I hear Emi’s taunts, the last thing I hear before once again my mind is pulled away from where I am.

I find the other guy’s profile, clicking on it to reveal a few more pictures of him with friends and I’m assuming his dog - a very cute chocolate spaniel. His name isn’t shared, I only know him now by his username: StoneRose. 

Admittedly, I spend way too long looking through the many puppy pictures adorning his account, but the reason I even came here strikes back into the centre of my mind. 

I scroll back up, finding public messages left by others and begin skimming through them. People are asking if he really is Isaac, others are asking to be his friend, while the rest are… What I feared. 

〇ThatFangirl101 Weather your actually Issac or not do you know how much shit you put Jem through with all this? You should be fucking ashamed

〇AlexGoldenHeart Guys he isn't Isaac he's just looking for attention. Sad how far people will go just for some fake online friends

〇Trees.Alliseeistrees This is Isaac? I’m sorry but with that hair? And his face is… wouldn’t catch me with him 🙈 Gross x

Okay, I know I said Isaac looks better than this guy, but nothing warrants things like this said about a person.

StoneRose, firstly, has great auburn hair that shines caramel. His eyelashes stand out, a slightly lighter shade of red, matching the freckles covering his face. If Luke thinks I’m baby-faced, I wonder what he’d say about this guy.

Guilt ripples through me, sinking into every bone in my body. Not only am I the reason for Isaac’s stress – not that he’s admitted any – but now this guy is getting attacked because of me?

“Jem, your face is doing the thing again.” Emi once again pulls me back to the present, the blisteringly loud present. 

Music rings through my ears and clouds my thoughts while I’m trying desperately to think of solutions, ways to make this right. But I can’t do it. Not here.

“Sorry,” I mutter, way too quiet to be heard above the song playing, “I need quieter- be someplace quieter,” I struggle, “I’ll be outside.”

I stumble to the door, tripping over any slight bump in the floors, until I make it outside. This situation is all too familiar.

The outside space is pretty, a gazebo structure covering several bench tables. String lights dangle across the beams like rows of fireflies, giving the cozy outdoors a serene atmosphere, diverging from the crowded indoors.

Though tranquil is the last thing I feel right now.

I perch myself at a bench, staring aimlessly at my phone, trying to come up with something productive to do. Like… Maybe I should message him?

“Hey Jem,” A vaguely familiar voice speaks out and I catch them sitting across from me in my peripheral.

I look up to find Leona, a cigarette between her fingers. “You look stressed.”

Maybe she could help? I don’t know her too well, but Emi likes her – not that I’d trust Emi to write apology messages for me.

I tell Leona my situation and I start to realise how significantly less drunk she is than me, when her eyebrows furrow at my slurred rambling. This is good, a level-ish head is exactly what I need.

“Geez, sounds like a lot. Yeah, I’d apologise. Unless he’s actually enjoying it. Did he claim to be Isaac?” She asks, a thin cloud of smoke rippling down her red-painted lips, catching in the air.

I consider that for a moment, the idea that people are just using me is an idea I have far too often. And I definitely blank it out more than I should.

"No idea,” I start, my thoughts spilling out, “I doubt it though, why would he? People who know him would call him right out.”

"Mmh, probably. I think messaging him is a good idea then.” She stubs her cigarette out on the ashtray, turning her attention back to me. A look of intrigue written in her eyes.I nod and begin typing out my message, aiming for reassurance.

JemJohnstone, 22:04 Hey, this is such a weird situation and I’m so sorry you’ve been dragged into this. We’ll work out what to do, please hold tight.