Soft fabrics twist around my ink-stained fingertips, something I really should've tried harder to clean before showing up to work. Not that it mattered, today was one of those glorious dead days - though if you asked Fae, those are the worst days. “Painfully slow”.

My last 20 minutes are spent quality checking clothes and taking care of the tag bins. Fae brings an interruption, her bright pink hair catching my eye as she pops her head into the back.

“You’ve got a visitor! Good for you that I’m so kind, I’ll sign you out later.” She informs me and returns to the desks outside, leaving me very confused.

A visitor? Who would come see me at work? The only people who know where I earn my money are my flatmates and Jem, not that they’ve ever been here.

I finish what I’m doing and head out, coming to stand by Fae. Across the desk from her waits another woman, clearly not buying anything.

Her long blonde hair is half tied back, a white shirt and high waist lavender trousers hug her slim figure. Golden rings with large stones decorate her small fingers, making them appear even tinier, gold make-up to match. She looks somewhat professional, smart but flashy.

And I’m still confused.

“Isaac!” She greets me, bubbly and innocent. My confusion crumbles, disappearing like dust in the wind.

“Hailey?” I didn't mean to ask, I don't need to. No, I know exactly who she is and I wish I didn't.

The silent pads of my fingertips tap the desk and my foot tips onto the toe of my shoe. I still myself, forced to freeze, no matter how much I want to mess with something – anything. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you, obviously.” She laughs like there’s nothing else to it. But there’s no reason for her to see me, I thought I made that pretty clear when I left town.

“Sorry, I still have work left so I can’t um. Hang out.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” Fae cuts in, I fight the urge to cover her mouth before she can say another word, “I told you, you can go early it’s no problem. I’m covering for your ass.” She winks at me.

Why Fae, why? 

“Great, let’s get coffee then!” Hailey beams.

~~~

She's twirling her straw around the iced coffee she ordered, watching me with a wide smile. It's making me increasingly uncomfortable.

My fingers mess with the sticker tab of my coffee cup, without my mind's permission. Everytime I stop myself, I get lost in thought and my fingers go back to fraying the edges of the card.

I'm still not sure what she wants, or why she's here. Or how she found out where I work. 

"You had a glow up." She says. 

My eyes snap to her, confusion clearly written in them. 

"It's only been 2 years, and I thought you'd stop growing at 16. Though you suit blonde more than black." Hailey takes a sip.

"Why are you here?" I ask without thinking - or, I did think about it, but I didn't want to ask that out right. I don't mean to sound rude, though I would love to go home right now. 

"I haven't heard from you in 2 years, man. So I asked Charlotte how you are and apparently you haven't contacted her in 3 months." She explains, pointing her straw at me for extra effect. Telling me off. 

I cringe slightly at hearing that. 3 months. I have avoided speaking to my mom but it's daunting to hear how long it's been. It makes me feel like -  Should I be talking to her? Should I forgive her? Questions like these storm through my mind everytime I think about her, pulling an icy, grey fog over my emotions.

I'm not even planning on talking to her for my birthday. I just want to forget that part of my life. Though, how can someone forget that – the first half of their life? Which has been my entire life thus far. Am I overreacting? 

When I don't reply, Hailey sinks her straw back into the ice pool of dark caffeine and continues, "I actually have a message from her. Wants you to call her, she's seen your name plastered online and mixed up with that Jem Johnstone guy – seriously, how the fuck Isaac? What have you been doing here," she laughs, "Anyway, if you don't call Charlotte, she told me she'll reach out to Jem."

I sit up a bit straighter, my muscles tensing, "What, why?" 

"Because she's desperate. How can you ignore your own mother like that?" 

"That has nothing to do with you."

"It has everything to do with me and you know it. I know why you're angry, but it's childish, it's been 19 years. Get over it." Hailey huffs, twisting in her chair to face the inside of the cafe. 

I feel my jaw twitch, tensing and locking while I bite my tongue. My mom can't go to Jem, not only does Jem know nothing about my family, I don't want this getting mixed up on the Internet. The thought of it makes my head light, my chest wrapped tight. 

My sanity is being spread across a board, slowly being pushed, tension added, threatening to splinter and crack at any moment. 

I finally had room to breathe, from my family and especially from Hailey. Running away doesn't seem like enough, I need to do something more. 

A shallow, shaking breath escapes me as I drag my phone from my bag. I find my mom's contact, muted, and take one last look up at Hailey. 

She's watching me from behind her cup, something glimmering in her eyes. I never did like the way she presents herself: unreadable. She could smile, but be furious. Act indifferent, but be the one twisting the strings. Cry, just to get you on her side. To get you to do things for her.

This isn't about her, this is about my mom, I remind myself. And somehow Jem. Everything in my life seems to lead back to Jem, right now. 

I call the number and wait anxiously, hearing my heartbeat after every ring.

"Isaac?" My mom asks with caution, like her caller ID deceived her, like I'm not real. 

It twists my heart. I don't want to make her, or anyone, feel this way. But someone once asked me how I know true kindness if I'm never kind to myself. 

That person was also Jem… Maybe I shouldn't listen to his words. He did write a song about his fuzzy naked chicken.

"Hello." I force out, biting my lip when I hear myself echo through the phone. It was so forced. 

"Hey, sweetie. How are you doing? I saw everything that's happening online, I hope this Jem kid isn't hurting you or anything," 

"Not at all, he wouldn't do that," I defend him. Agh, I should stop talking, I apparently don't know how to speak properly anymore. My tone is all off, showing emotions I can't even register within myself right now. 

"Okay. That's good."

Silence overtakes us, an unsettling and very awkward silence. 

My eyes fall over the cafe I've found myself in, it too is quiet. But a peaceful quiet, warm reds and browns make up the cosy interior with various smells of coffee, toffee and a sprinkling of freshly baked chocolate cake: part of their specials this week. 

You'd think in a place like this, full of joy and tranquility, that I'd at least feel slightly better about this call. Maybe I would if I were alone. It isn't just Hailey's unnerving presence; the soft chatter and occasional loud spikes of laughter strike my head like a dozen sharp nails, distracting me from my already thunderous thoughts. 

I can no longer sit still, my feet tap the floor echoing the soft rhythm of a vaguely familiar song, one I can't pull from my many thoughts. I focus on the rhythm, let it take the forefront of my mind, steering me into calm alert. 

"Isaac, put it on speaker I wanna say hey." Hailey taps the hand I hold my phone in. 

Making eye contact is difficult for me in an ordinary conversion, but I manage to connect my blues with her crimson browns. There's no point arguing, I've never been good at that. So I drop my hand. 

"Hey Charlotte! You're on speaker. I did a good job, right?" Her smile lights one on my mom's face, reflecting through her relaxed tone. 

"Yes, Hailey, thank you so much! How's my boy looking?" 

"Pretty good, actually. Hang on let me send you a picture!" 

"No." I hold a hand up, my gesture hopefully exhibiting my displeasure further. 

"It's okay, Hails, I don't want to upset him. I'm happy just knowing he's okay."

"Oh, okay. Yep, he looks pretty healthy," she continues. 

They talk back and forth like this, seeming to forget the reason they're cities apart, talking on someone else's phone in the first place.

Agitation spreads over me and I try so hard to push it back down. I don't want to feel like that. Focus on the rhythm, the music. 

"Isaac," my mom calls out, "are you coming home soon, for Christmas?"  

Pain floods through my mouth, the sudden sharpness making me realise how hard my teeth were pressing down on my soft lip. The muscles of my eyebrows ache, held down for too long. 

I'd like to tell her I'm not, that I'm never coming back. But every word escapes me.

"I'm in town till your birthday," Hailey starts, immediately making me feel worse, somehow, "mostly for a college project but I thought we could hang out too. Come back with me." Hailey offers, a sweet smile speaking a sugary tone. 

"I'm sorry, I already have plans. And a morning class on my birthday too."

"Jeez, gotta get up early on your birthday to do work? Sucks." She's still smiling, "They aren't as strict in Uni though, are they? As long as you get the work done."

"I'm not skipping it." 

"Why not? They probably don't even have a proper lesson planned, it's winter break after, is it not?" 

I hesitate, the reason swirling at the tip of my tongue. It comes out as a mumble, "I have perfect attendance right now."

She goes quiet, looking at me with unreadable eyes. 

My mom speaks first, "Aw, still so responsible! God, this makes me happy. I bet you still prioritise your organisation too, huh? Cooking meals beforehand and- do you still have those wristbands on your drawer handles? That was cute."

"Responsible? You don't seem like the type Isa." Hailey's smile turns devious, but I don't think it's a bad devious. Instead, she's playful. 

"It's only been 3 months, Mom. I haven't changed that much." I force out, embarrassment taking over my cheeks, decorating them with a dusty pink. 

"Well that's good to hear. I'm glad you're doing okay and that the internet thing isn't upsetting you. I'll leave you alone then, though you should definitely visit for Christmas!" 

"Charlotte will be joining our family, so it'll be lively." Hailey tells me around a sip of her drink. 

Why is my mom joining her family for Christmas? I'm pretty sure they've never been friends and there's no other logical reason for-

A pit sinks to my stomach, heavy and magnetic, twisting all the feelings inside me with it's pull. Tearing up an already unsettled ocean. 

There is one reason, but it still makes no sense. I can't even bring myself to draw it from my silent thoughts. 

"Bye, sweetie, call me again soon!" The phone beeps twice and goes black. 

I don't move to pick it up, just stare at where it lays on the table. 

I'm so tense, my shoulders risen up, arms stiff and straight, holding the edge of my seat like I could be pulled away at any second. But my feet still move, pausing only for seconds at a time. Gently tapping away, the sounds barely audible in the busy room. Not that it matters to me, I can hear each connection in my head. 

"That wasn't so bad, now was it?" Hailey smiles once again, but this doesn't seem as friendly. I cast my eyes in another direction. 

"I'm not going back." I say with false confidence. 

She definitely heard that, "You don't sound so sure. Is home really as bad as you remember? It's not like you were abused."

Her careless words leave me speechless. Talking as if she were right there with me, in my shoes. In a sense, she's correct. None of what I experienced was directed to me, but I'm still dealing with going through it. Not that I know how to deal with it – or even exactly how it's affected me. 

What I do know is I never want to go back.

"Well whatever." She stands when I don't say anything, "I have things to do, I am here for college. Gotta take pictures and shit. I'm here with some friends, maybe we'll see you around." She gives me one last empty smile and leaves. Just like that. 

Now I'm alone in a cafe I didn't want to visit in the first place. I sigh, taking my phone and gathering my things.