Fifteen minutes before it started, Chūshi conveniently remembered once more that he and Aoto did, in fact, share an advanced course seminar. He’d been on autopilot for days. Even visiting his grandmother with his mother didn’t shake him out of his mental fog. Since the moment Aoto left him alone in the bathroom stall, nothing could penetrate through his cloudy thoughts. The student librarian had actually found Chūshi blankly washing his hands after the library closed.

With a tsk, the slightly older woman wrote his name down on a small notepad, but Chūshi couldn’t be bothered, even though his father would not react well to the news. All he could think about was how Aoto had seemed unruffled by his “situation.” No hesitation! No questions! He regretted not listening whenever their classmates whispered about Aoto. I could always ask someone for more information… 

The problem with that strategy being, of course, that he had no friends. Chūshi didn’t see the point when his father planned on sending him back as soon as he graduated. Or if his grandmother died. 

What if I asked Aoto?

Chūshi shook his head so vigorously his brain seemed to ping pong off the sides of his skull as he entered the seminar’s lecture hall. 

Stop being a little bitch, he thought to himself, surveying the room for the person in question. His shoulders relaxed when he saw that Aoto wasn’t in class yet. He hurried to  his usual seat in the back corner, next to one of the only windows in the room. Putting his bag on the right side of the desk, he put  his head down next to it and hoped it would serve as a shield from prying eyes. Think of it like a kind of one-night stand. No big deal! 

But he’d never gotten complaints about how he tasted before. In fact, it was often complimented.. Chūshi wasn’t arrogant, but he couldn’t help but feel Aoto was lying. Or bitching just to be a bitch. Such an interesting guy. 

Not only that, but it was clear Aoto was gay. Despite himself, Chūshi felt his heart flutter with hope. The background chatter in the hall ceased suddenly, signaling the guest lecturer was ready to start, and Chūshi tuned in halfway. But he kept his head down. 

Students with good grades, regardless of their area of study, were invited to a seminar series each semester. The speakers varied from all professions and it was one of the university’s selling points. Usually Chūshi paid close attention to the schedule because every now and then he’d skip if he had a tough weekend studying. 

I should have skipped today too. 

But then he wouldn’t have a chance to see Aoto. His heart stuttered as he lifted his head from the table as a small woman began introducing herself. 

He spotted Aoto quickly, noting that he sat near the front of the room. By his posture, Chūshi could tell he was giving the woman his utmost attention. It made Chūshi sit completely upright, too, and finally look at the board to see who the speaker was. He didn’t recognize the name, but by the title of the talk he knew she specialized in architecture. 

Is that an interest of his? Is it why he’s taking English? He tried to pay attention, strictly  for the sake of finding a way to strike up a conversation with Aoto after the lecture. 

But try as he might, he couldn’t focus on a word the woman said. Instead, he focused on the back of Aoto’s head. How could he go about talking to someone who seemed to be set on disliking him? When Chūshi really put his mind to it, he could charm even the most stoic of people. While he found Aoto’s standoffish nature annoying, it also intrigued him. And bewildered him. Why do that to him and then be so rude afterward? 

“Why come to these things if you’re just going to leave your mouth open wide enough for flies?” The object of his desire appeared suddenly and leaned onto the table next to him. 

Abandoning the weak strategy that he’d started to formulate, Chūshi bluntly replied “When I remembered you were in this seminar, I decided to come.”

They stared at each other and just before Chūshi really began to fall into those dark eyes that were even more bottomless against the stark whites around them, Aoto started in with “I said your cu—” 

“And I know you were lying.” Chūshi stood up and packed his things away, noticing just how short Aoto was compared to him. Once those eyes sucked you in, the rest of Aoto seemed to disappear. “I’ve never had complaints. Not from men or women.”

He watched Aoto’s face closely to see if there was any indication that his words landed. The only reaction he got was a slight twitch at the corner of Aoto’s mouth. “And as I recall, you chose to swallow.” 

That time he was awarded with a slight widening of almond shaped eyes and a deliberate blink. That’s enough teasing him for now. 

“Why are you talking to me anyway?” Chūshi asked. “You clearly don’t  like me.  I’m not into forcing myself onto others.” Chūshi leaned against the table, too, putting himself right next to Aoto. He crossed  his arms as he stared at the other young man and he tried to remain still. 

His words were a gamble, but he had a feeling he would be entertained no matter the response. He noticed Aoto was dressed differently, much more casually: a V-neck t-shirt, cardigan, and jeans. His normal business casual attire,  fitted pants with a button-down shirt, helped Aoto look stiff. Today he was more… relaxed. vulnerable.

So adorable, Chūshi thought to himself as his eyes traced over the other young man. And then he finally noticed something strange. He felt the smirk all his exes complained about creep onto his face. 

“Do you talk to me because this person,” he reached for the hickey barely hidden by Aoto’s shirt, “didn’t quite do it for you? Maybe you like battery acid?”

He pushed off the table, deliberately walking past Aoto to exit the seminar room. Each step from the lecture hall felt like a thousand, and Chūshi made a point to shorten his stride in the event that his parting move rather than drive him away, lead to—

“Hey jackass, you left your cell phone!” Aoto shoved the device into his back firmly, sounding somewhat out of breath. “And it’s none of your business.”

Chūshi turned to face the other young man again and reached for his phone. “I hope that you’ve put your contact info in here, seeing as I’m tutoring you.” He kept a light smile on his face when a cursory look through his contact lists didn’t have Aoto’s information. “How am I supposed to help you finish your assignments, like the one due tomorrow if I can’t contact you?”

The haughtiness Aoto had visibly rushed out of him, leaving him looking deflated. A very light blush tinted his cheeks as he responded, “I think I can manage, you stalker.”

“I’m your tutor, it’s my job to know these things. And remember, I know your last test scores…”As much as he liked teasing Aoto, Chūshi didn’t want to alienate him, so he forced the smirk on his face into a neutral smile. “I’m serious, I’m able to help. If you need it.” 

Aoto looked up at him again, and Chūshi let himself fall into his gaze this time. Though he knew Aoto’s eyes would give no indication of what he thought of the offer. The other young man blinking cut their connection, and Chūshi felt like he had finally thudded onto firm ground after a thousand year fall. 

“Fine. I’ll text you when I’m free.”

Chūshi tried to hide the face-eating grin as he watched the other young man take his phone and type away. Aoto slowly handed him the phone back, which he eagerly grabbed to double check that Aoto had indeed added  himself to the contact list.

The other young man didn’t quite scurry off, but he definitely walked fast enough that Chūshi felt a breeze in his wake. It smelled like something sweet yet bitter, a scent he’d smelled before but couldn’t place. The more he tried to remember the more his head hurt. Oh, well. 

He had taken a gamble and knew it’d pay off. Until Aoto messaged him, Chūshi decided he wouldn’t skip like he initially planned. He wanted to be available the minute he got a message.

His cellphone felt heavier than a bowling ball resting in his front pocket. He knew that spacing out in classes waiting for a text that could—at the earliest—come around 4 PM was stupid. But that didn’t stop his imagination concocting scenario after scenario of them not only fucking all night long, but  growing closer over coffee and dinner dates. 

Chūshi was embarrassed to admit to himself how ridiculous he was being. He’d done more with other lovers and couldn’t be bothered to remember their names. 

Maybe I’m losing my mind? What kind of man fell head over heels for someone after such biting words? 

Remembering Aoto’s words from that day filled him with an emotion he couldn’t name, but it demanded to be resolved by seeing Aoto a crying, quivering mess underneath him. What made the prospect even more exciting to Chūshi was that it was clear that Aoto had been around the block, as they liked to say in America. A lesser man might be embarrassed, but Chūshi didn’t let stuff like that phase him. 

Rather than dwell on the turmoil of his feelings about Aoto and everything between them, Chūshi let his mind wander to his father’s radio silence since the initial issuing of the tutoring job. Not even a text. 

Inside him, two voices warred constantly over his father’s negligence. It was never good whenever his father actually paid attention to him in any capacity on one hand; it always led to being yelled at, threats of violence, and a slew of words and phrases that would make anyone else run away and never look back. So being completely ignored often felt like a blessing (as long as he was doing what was expected of him), but it was also lonely. Knowing that he was more of an asset than a son made his chest hurt. Even so, he still managed to fool himself into thinking that his father would “check-in” on him. And he somehow allowed himself to be affected by the silence.