Caleb

Liam.

There is something so deeply satisfying about knowing his name, having a conversation with him, knowing that we are sort of on the same page with the way we handled… whatever this is.

I was also pleasantly surprised at how easy it was to talk to him. As if I was already comfortable around him. Even when he seems to be weirdly floating in the air.

Usually, I tend to want social interactions with strangers – which is still what he is – to be over with pretty quickly. But I think this was too short. I wanted more time with him.

Although things are different now. Now I know there will be a next time. And I can’t wait for it.

It’s two more days before I see him again. He is on his phone, smiling at something, and cannot see or hear me. He is in his bed and this time, I see the bed. I really don’t understand the rules for all of this, but I know it brought him to me. And I am ready to keep following rules I do not understand if that means that I can keep him by my side a while longer. Even if that is all in my head.

I am about to talk to him again, just to check if the situation changed (I don’t know that it can, but I also wouldn’t swear that it can’t) when there is a knock on my door. I already know this is Mary. I invite her in and she sits at my desk, between Liam and me.

“How was your day?” she asks me.

“Fine.”

“Is now a good time to talk?” She can definitely see that I am not busy. What she is asking is if I am in the mood to talk, which I find very considerate of her.

I quickly glance at Liam, still very unaware of us. “Yes, that’s fine.”

“We need to talk about what comes next for you, sweetheart.”

My entire body gets cold. Next? I thought this placement was going well… And… I know it’s been a few months but it also still seems so short… Has she grown tired of me already? I have done my chores, I haven’t asked for anything, I have talked to her, I…

I glance where Liam is still looking at his phone. No, no, no. I am not ready to leave yet. Not this life, not her, not him…

“Next?” I ask, voice tight and less confident than I would have liked.

“Yes, next. I know there is still time, but I also know you haven’t really had the opportunity to make plans for it.”

“Plans for what?”

“College.”

Oh. Oh. That is not a topic any of my foster parents ever discussed with me before. Probably because they all knew I wouldn’t be there anymore by then. Or because they didn’t care. When I age out, I am not their problem anymore.

“What about it?”

“I don’t know. Do you want to go?”

“I… I think so.”

“Okay. Let’s talk about that then. What is your plan so far?”

“I don’t have any. I know that what you want and what you get are two very different things.”

She sighs. “That is a good mindset for a survivor. But you shouldn’t have to think like one. You’re sixteen years old. Let’s get you back to that mindset, alright? I think, but I might be wrong, that you are happy enough with me.”

“I am.”

“Good. Then I think we can at least plan to have you here for two more years. Would you like that?”

“I would.”

“Great. Then, you will start thinking about college and I will support you through it.”

“I’ll figure something out,” I reply. “You don’t have to worry about what will come next for me.”

Mary leans back in the chair and says: “We haven’t really talked about why you are here, did we? Can I tell you a little about me?”

I nod. I didn’t really question why I was here. It’s just me here, so I don’t think this is about making money. I am not a child, so I don’t think this is about building a family. Then what? Give back somehow?

“I fostered for the first time after my divorce. Not right after, of course, but once I was ready to start a new chapter in my life. I only took temporary placement. And by that, I don’t mean taking in children that I could put back in the system. I mean taking in people who needed a temporary place to stay. Children with parents in the hospital, a teenage mother and her baby leaving an abusive house, once, and a few children with a single parent in jail for a while. That type of situation. All as unique as the child that came with it. All those children could have ended up staying much longer, but we were all lucky enough that they were all successfully returned to their families or put on the next page of their lives.”

“And then came me?”

“Sort of. And then I decided that I was done taking care of other people’s children when they couldn’t. I was ready to look at adoption through fostering.”

“Did that not work?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t tried yet. Because Liz convinced me to try something else first. She said there was this one boy she needed to relocate. Unlucky boy that had been moved from home to home pretty much his entire life. He was now a teenager and he could really use a nice house to finish his secondary education in the best condition. Someplace he could finally feel like he isn’t just holding his breath for the next life his life has been uprooted. I’m going to be honest with you, I did question what kind of boy you were that people kept sending you back to the system, and she promised me that you would be my easiest placement. You really just had been unlucky, or maybe she had been unwise in the families she chose for you. And you know what? You have been my easiest placement by far. I see what this life has done to you, I see all the times you struggle, but I also see how you keep trying and how you make the best of what life gives you. You could have turned so many ways, and here you are. A kind, hard-working, gentle soul. So here I am. Someone who always cared about what was next for every child that came through these doors, at a point in my life where I am ready to care even more for someone… So your next big step, college, or whatever else… we will work it out together, and we will make it happen for you. Even if you age out before then.”

“Thank you,” I say, because all the other words I would like to tell her are held back behind my wall of insecurities, because I trust her when she says this is my last foster home, because I heard what she said and what it means even if we are not there yet, because I am a bit overwhelmed right now…

“Are you really happy here?” she asks.

“I am. This is a great house.”

“And how is school?”

“Good. I’m still a bit behind.”

“We can work on that. If that’s something you want.”

“I think I need to if I want to go to college.”

“See? Already looking forward. I am so proud of you! And are you making friends?”

“I really like the boys from the team, but…”

“Not friends just yet,” she finishes and I nod. I like that she gets things when I struggle to find the words. “And… is there a girl? That could be a side project while we work on college.” I feel my whole face burn up and she suddenly seems mortified. “I’m sorry. I pushed too far, I should have known. We do not have to talk about that.”

“It’s not that… not exactly. It’s… there won’t be a girl.”

“Because you are focusing on other things or because there would rather be a boy?” she asks.

“There would be a boy,” I reply. “There might be a boy already.” My face feels on fire but it also feels so freeing. It’s the first time I have ever said any of that out loud. And the kind look on her face tells me that I chose the right person to do this with.

“How serious is it? With that boy?”

“It’s really not. He doesn’t even know I like him. He probably isn’t into boys. And it’s complicated, it’s just…”

“A little crush?”

“A big crush,” I say, feeling equally mortified and relieved.

“What’s his name?”

“Liam.” A week ago, I wouldn’t even have been able to answer that question.

“If Liam is a smart boy, I’m sure he will see everything you have to offer.” I smile, embarrassed, and she can apparently tell that I am not ready to share more on the subject. Not just because of all the questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. “Alright. I’m going to get dinner started. We eat in an hour.”

“Perfect, thank you.”

She leaves and my eyes fall on the other side of the room where Liam is still on his phone. I had completely forgotten about him. But as always, it is a soothing apparition. At least until he puts his phone down and looks up, embarrassed, apologizing eyes meeting mine.

“Liam?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, you just appeared, and… I didn’t know what to do…”

“How long have you been here?”

“Not long.”

“How long.”

“Since… ‘is there a girl’…”

Oh God… that means that he heard all of it. My coming out. My crush on him… I am so embarrassed that it physically hurts my stomach.

“Listen, Caleb, I…”

I won’t ever know what he was trying to say. He disappeared mid-sentence. It’s probably for the best. I don’t think I would have enjoyed what came next.

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