“Honey, why are you home so late again?” My mom asked with concern, probably seeing the dark bags under my eyes.  

It was just nine in the evening when I got home, but the concerned tone in her voice made me feel a tad bit guilty. But as I recalled the reason I was late, I couldn’t help but gush; always so excited to talk about the company I worked for. 

“Sorry mom, my company just launched the newest cancer series model! Not only will it operate on the latest nanotech to deliver therapeutic agents to tumors, but it also—”

“Honey, wasn’t Aster Diagnostics created by the founder because of his love for his novelist wife?” Mom interrupted, her tone starting to harden. I gulped. I knew there was a lecture about to ensue. “If you are the marketing team leader, then you should follow your company’s foundation of love.”

“Um…” I quickly took my shoes off at the entrance, trying to busy my ears with everything but my mom’s nagging. 

“You should never forget to make time for those you love, and that includes yourself. Learn to look out for yourself, honey. Don’t burn yourself out.”  

“Yes, yes, I understand,” I said distractedly. My mom shook her head as if saying ‘what am I going to do with you’.

Some might wonder, why was I still living with my parents at this age?

I didn’t have a boyfriend I could live with, and our family home was right in the city, just a ten minute commute towards my workplace. Why do some people bother with independence, when you can save money by splitting expenses, and be with your family? Not to mention, getting free meals. My mom’s kimchi was the best.

“Soyun is here, by the way. She’s been waiting for you to come home since six in the evening. You promised her you’d be helping her with her wedding plans, have you forgotten?” Mom said reproachfully.

“Fuck! I forgot!” I slapped myself on the forehead. 

“Lina, watch your mouth!” Mom scolded. I quickly pressed my lips together after feeling like a disobedient teenager.

“Sorry!”

I quickly went inside the living room to discover my best friend Soyun asleep on the couch.

 

“Oh my, I told her to just wait and sleep on your bed, but she insisted on staying in the living room.” Mom shook her head after following me in. “Well, I’ll be off to bed now. You know how your father can’t sleep without me snuggled up next to him.” She laughed, kissed my forehead and went upstairs.

When I was younger, I used to disdain my parents’ lovey-dovey acts. It felt so revolting to me, and I would often roll my eyes at them.

Who needed love anyway?

I could get by with life without romantic love. After the many failed attempts at a serious, loving and strong relationship, I practically discarded any notion of finding “The One”; that one man who fits you like a jigsaw puzzle.

My own personal motto was, “Why settle for less than what you deserve?” Why settle for a guy who just makes you feel so meh all the time? I might be approaching the frightening 3-0, but that didn’t mean I could just settle for anyone, just because Asian society up until now, deemed it appropriate for women to be married and have children at this age.  

But every time I saw dad look absolutely besotted with mom despite the wrinkles on both of their faces, I would feel a pang in my chest.

When was I going to find a man who loved me like that? A man who would hug me, squeeze the rolls of fat on my tummy, yet declare with sincerity and with an infatuated tone, that I was the most beautiful in his eyes? Were there still men like that who were available? They all seemed to have been snatched up, ready to leave the bachelor life behind. 

I could say that I didn’t need love to have a happy life, but it was also true that I wanted love in my life. It was a paradox that only single women who have been single for a long time (such as myself), could relate to. I could do without a man, honestly. But I wanted a man who would love me as much as I would love him. It was as simple as that. It’s all an honest preference, and it was my preference to find a man who would understand and love me for who I was. Being in a relationship isn’t essential. It’s more like an add-on to life. And I love add-ons.

It seemed many people were lucky with their love lives, except for me. God probably sprinkled luck on everyone else on the line to rebirth, but realized he ran out of that love dust when he reached me in the queue. What a bummer. 

I slowly made my way to the sleeping Soyun, gingerly taking a seat beside her, afraid that I was going to wake her.

Soyun and I were best friends since middle school, and she was one of the lucky girls bestowed with true love at an early age. When we entered high school, that was when Soyun met Chunho. It was love at first sight for the both of them, and they quickly became a campus couple. And I, of course, quickly became a third wheel.

It wasn’t so bad, actually. We functioned as a trio, and Chunho felt more like a guardian for the both of us. He was the perfect example of a ‘Knight in Shining Armor’, and he would diligently look after Soyun like her very own knight.

While Chunho treated Soyun like his princess, he treated me like a child who needed to be kept under his wing. He would always remind me of the dangers of being alone at night, and how men besides himself, were predators in general. Despite the advancements in technology that dropped crime rates in the past century, he still didn’t believe that other men were as good-hearted as he was. He had always ranted to me about my exes, and perhaps his judgement of those men were true…because my exes were shit. 

I buried myself deeper into the leather couch, and prayed, “Oh god, goddesses, deities, or superior beings of the mortal worlds, please give me a sign, and help me find my destined one.”

But I ended up smacking myself for this outrageous behavior. Are those beings even real? And if they were, would they even listen to my plea of finding my soulmate when there were tons of people in this world who were dying? If wishes were ranked by importance, my request would probably be at the bottom.

I sighed, feeling lonelier than ever. Sure, I was at the peak of success; I worked for the most influential medical device company in the world, and got a senior position. I was a sexy, beautiful woman—okay, maybe both are an exaggeration to perpetuate my gargantuan ego, but with proper makeup application, I could pass off as above average.

And lastly, I had a great personality!

… 

Okay, well, perhaps I wasn’t that great, but I liked to think I had a great sense of humor! I wasn’t the kindest person out there, but I try to be kind. I had a bad temper, but I try to rein it in, and think before I speak. And personally, I think I’ve been doing a great job! 

So why was there no man in my life, despite all these good things about me? Maybe I hadn’t really put myself out there? Did I have to put up a billboard of my face with a criteria of a man I wanted with a tagline: “Call this number now if you fit the bill!” ? How did dating work again?  I felt like I was growing molds all over my body. 

I sighed while grabbing a spare blanket from a nearby drawer, and draped it over Soyun’s sleeping form on the couch.