Tuesday, October 18th, 2016

Eventually, we spent pretty much all of our time together. We had breakfast together in the mornings, we sat on the same tables for class, we even went to the same after-school program. Monday through Friday, we repeated this exact same thing. And I was content with it.

And then, you told me about Girl #1.

She had beautiful, chocolate skin and her hair had a blonde ombre. She was skinnier and prettier than me, too. And quite popular. I could see why you liked her. And yet. I still couldn't shake this awful feeling. She hadn't done anything wrong. So why did I feel like this? It felt like my chest was being shredded up from the inside. I knew that I had to let go of whatever I felt for you because clearly, you didn't feel the same way. For the sake of our friendship, I would try to let go of my feelings for you.

But they were always there. No matter how deep I buried my feelings, they would always resurface if you looked at me a certain way, or when you smiled at me. But it was also painful to be around you. To hear you talk about another girl to me was like a stab to my heart. I found myself wondering, Why her? Why not me? I got it into my head that we were meant to be. We complemented each other perfectly, we knew each other better than anyone else. So why?...

Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

Time passed, and you eventually let go of the crush you had on her. I was glad that she hadn't taken you away from me. Maybe that's what it was: fear that you would choose someone else over me? I guess my self-esteem wasn't the greatest back then. Either way, you weren't about to up and abandon me, and that made me happy. More than it should. I know that I said I would let go. But something inside me told me to keep holding on. To keep trying. Even if it ended up in heartbreak.