Orienteering. Who invented that stupid sport? Let’s face it, it’s not even a sport. So why is it in the Physical Education curriculum? Anyway, we spent an hour on a bus, got dropped in a forest, and now we are handed maps and compasses. Our teacher explains where we need to go, how to find it on the map, and shows us a couple of example routes we could take to get there.

It looks miles from my comfort zone, but I’m going to do what any teenager would do nowadays and use my GPS. That’s when my teacher kills all my dreams. They are collecting smartphones. A few of us protest, and Emily turner rightly points out that if we get lost in the woods, we might have to be able to call for help.

“Don’t worry. Every red dot on your map is a safety zone. If you get there, you will be able to get some help, either from a teacher, or an actual forest ranger. You will also be sorted into groups of three students, so if a student needs help, someone can stay with them while someone else can get some help. Each group will also be accompanied by a senior student who completed this same orientation within the time limit last year. You shouldn’t get lost; all the paths are clearly marked. I can assure you: you don’t need technology to do this.”

Woah, woah, woah… groups of three? Maisie and I exchange a look. We will either have to find someone alone or be added to a group of people we don’t know. Everyone is already splitting into groups. We have to move fast.

Next to us is a group of four. They have to lose someone, we have to include someone… That seems pretty perfect. Maisie, being the most outgoing one, and being the kind of person who might know at least one of their names, walks to them and says: “Any of you would like to join us?” That’s good phrasing. It was smart to not just ask if we could merge the groups as it might have resulted in us joining two different groups.

The boys look at each other and one of them shrugs and says “I don’t mind, but I’m not teaming up with the gay guy. He’s either gonna slow us down or hit on us.” There is a weird mix of feelings in my chest. A little bit of amazement that he would just say this as if it were socially acceptable, a numbness that I am starting to develop at being called words, shame not because of what he said but because of the humiliating intention behind his words, and a painful burn in my chest. Why is it considered worse to be gay than to be a bully?

Worse than everything, at the corner of my eye, I can see Jake who so obviously heard, is not looking our way, and is probably thinking that he dodged a bullet when he dumped me.

I should reply something. Anything. Just… not stand there and take it. And, even more importantly, I need to say something before Maisie does, not let my best friend fight my battles for me. Not look weaker than I already do in his eyes.

None of us has time to reply, though, because Adam appears out of nowhere, fierce protective big brother, emitting strong alpha male vibes. Years of swimming gave him a rather intimidating figure.

“Walk,” he says, and he does sound like a mix between Batman and a professional hitman – not that I have met that many professional hitmen… Or Batman. The little group doesn’t even think about disobeying and they walk away.

I am grateful for Adal, I truly am, but… “You know, it doesn’t help if my brother has to protect me like I’m a baby.”

“Since when do we care what they think?” he asks me.

“Why are you even here? Didn’t you get lost in your orientation last year?”

“I did. I still finished third.” He looks very proud and that makes me smile. I’m not actually annoyed about what he did. Yes, it does paint me as a victim that needs protection, but it also helps. I know that I could be bullied much more if I wasn’t the little brother of the swimming team’s captain. I’m not even sure if he is doing a lot of things like today or if his reputation is enough. We don’t really talk about that stuff.

“So… I didn’t actually come here to chase away bullies. There are four junior guys from the swimming team and they’d like Tom to be their senior guide. It makes sense. He arrived first last year. Anyway. Is it cool if Caleb and I join the two of you?”

That is definitely a better option than the one we were contemplating moments ago.

“Unless you’re fed up with us,” he adds with a smile. I know he would be fine if I asked for some space. But I don’t mind. Actually, I think the comment that guy made upset me more than I thought. It wasn’t even an insult, but… yeah. I wouldn’t mind letting Caleb and Adam lead the way for Maisie and me to follow. Actually, if Maisie wants to talk to them and let me brood, I wouldn’t mind either.

We tell him that we’re fine with this team and he walks away to get Caleb. “That’s going to be great,” Maisie says. “Your brother won’t be one of those annoying seniors who tell us to ‘figure it out on our own’, and Caleb seems like it would be his kind of things too. We might be able to get through this just by following them.”

“They are both athletes. ‘just following them’ might not be that easy.” I’m not trying to crush her dreams. I just have been on a hike with Adam before and that was painful.

Adam comes back with Caleb and a map. We have ten minutes to work on the map in teams and then the teachers will start dismissing us one group at a time.

Adam and Caleb start to look at the map, each holding one side I decide to try not to be completely useless and try to help them.

“Why do we need to study the map?” Maisie asks. “Don’t you remember where we have to go?”

“The route is different every year,” Adam replies.

“Then how are you useful exactly?” I ask and he pushes me. Not hard, just enough that I have to take a step sideways and I bump into Caleb. He doesn’t really jerk away or anything, but it is so clear from his face that he is uncomfortable. I apologize and he shrugs it off. Caleb. Always so nice to everyone even when he is feeling uncomfortable. But he doesn’t move. Maybe this has more to do with having someone in his personal space than anything else. I genuinely think he’s cool with me being gay.

Still. It hurts that me touching him by accident would make him uncomfortable. Not just because of the small – massive – crush I have on him, but also because it brings back that sentence that guy said earlier. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. He called me gay, and that’s what I am. So what’s the big deal? Probably because I heard what it meant to him and it was degrading.

Maisie snaps me out of it when she asks: “Why do we need the map? Don’t we just need to know what direction we need to go and follow the compass?” Adam looks at her like he’s trying to know if she’s joking or not. “What?”

“Because of the obstacles,” Adam reply.

Apparently, that’s a good enough answer for him, but Caleb sees that Maisie is still confused and he moves a bit closer to her, showing her bits on the map.

“That’s a cliff. So, we can’t go in a straight line, we have to find a way around it. And that’s a river. We don’t know how deep it is, so we shouldn’t try to just cross it. We can avoid it if we go that way, or there is a bridge just here. Do you see it?”

“I… maybe? Should we go there, then?”

“That’s the highway,” Adam comments. “So… I suggest that we don’t put Maisie in charge of navigation. Or Liam. Sorry, little brother, I still remember that time we went on that hiking with Aunt Tia…”

“I was eight.”

“Still. I promised myself. Never again.”

I roll my eyes at him, but he has a point. I don’t have the best sense of direction. During the day. On a clear night, I can pretty much read the sky to know where I am. But without the stars, I am pretty useless. I should be alright with the map and compass, though, but I am still not in the best mindset.

That one silly sentence upsets me more than it should and I am annoyed at myself for letting it get to me… It’s a vicious circle, really. Adam and Maisie have obviously noticed that I am slightly withdrawn but they both know where it comes from and they don’t mention it. Adam knows I don’t like to talk about that with him, and Maisie will wait until it’s just the two of us.

As for Caleb… Caleb probably just thinks that I am naturally grumpy – which might be somewhat true – and I’m not sure he notices that anything is happening. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. I’ll worry about my ridiculous crush later.

Besides, I don’t have any time left for self-pity because our names are called out, and off we go.

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