I am definitely the least sporty person here. Maisie is not in any kind of team but her family is very outdoorsy.

I also know that Caleb and Adam are both very competitive. They could win this so easily if they had partnered with someone else. And anyone would happily have joined their team. They are both pretty popular. But here they are. Stuck with me because of some stupid force of habit, or undeserved loyalty… Am I just a pitty case?

“Are you okay?” Caleb asks me a mile or so later.

“Yeah… I’m fine. Why?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. You’re quiet.” His words surprise me. I rarely talk to him, even in the car, so I’m not sure why he would find me particularly silent today.

“Is this about what Charlie said?” Adam asks.

Charlie. I couldn’t remember his name. Now I do. I don’t know why it feels important. “It’s not,” I lie.

“He’s an idiot,” Maisie says.

“What did Charlie say?” Caleb asks.

So much for not talking about it… “Nothing,” I reply. I really don’t want to drag Caleb into this. I don’t want him to see me as a victim, I don’t want him to see me as the guy who can’t let it go, I don’t want him to see me as ‘the gay kid’…

Caleb looks at me like he doubts I would get weird over ‘nothing’, but he lets it go.

Adam doesn’t. “Why do you even care what he thinks or says? Besides, you dodged a bullet. You really didn’t want to team up with him. He’s like… a rainy Sunday evening with no Internet.”

“That’s… a really odd way to describe someone,” Maisie comments.

“Do not get him started,” I warn her. He has started this weird thing lately, always referring to people using timings. I made a point of not asking.

Maisie is more curious than I am, though, and she asks: “Where does that come from?”

“I’ve developed a theory,” Adam says, looking very proud.

“I did tell you not to get him started,” I tell her. But I also think that this is a welcome change of subject.

“What’s the theory?” she asks him, completely ignoring me. She does that very often.

“So it’s called the schedule theory,” he tells her.

“I love it already. What’s the schedule theory?”

“It simply says that everyone can be given a schedule and weather that will tell you everything you need to know about their personality.”

“I… what?”

“Okay. For instance. Charlie, in addition to being a dick, is the most boring guy you’ll ever meet. Honestly, he has no conversation, his hobbies are non-existent, and his opinions are whatever he read the night before on social media. Spending time with him is like spending a rainy Sunday night without any Internet. You’re bored, you can’t go out, and there is school the next day. Nothing to like about it.”

“Okay,” she says, apparently thinking about it. “This one makes sense. But it can’t work for everyone.”

“It absolutely can. Caleb and I have worked very hard on this.”

“You’re in on this?” I ask Caleb.

“Sort of. I listen to him make stuff up and I tell him if I agree or not. But I have to give him credit. Most of the time, it makes sense.”

“So if it makes sense, you can do it for anyone?” Maisie challenges him.

“Absolutely!”

“Fine. What is the Queen of England, then?”

Adam’s eyes widen, apparently surprised that she would go there. But he quickly smiles, apparently very proud of his theory. “The Queen of England… Wait a minute… She would have to be a drizzly Monday morning. Six a.m.”

“And why would that be?”

“Think about it. England. It’s raining over there. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or a cliché, you know your mind went there. And the Queen of England, she is England in everyone’s mind. But she is too classy to be rain. So, she is drizzle. And she can’t be a fun time. She isn’t a fun lady. She is an institution. She is… a Monday 6 a.m. Half six, maybe. Because that’s when people officially end their weekend. You put your serious hat back on, and you go back to being a productive member of society. That’s what she is. Seriousness and aspirations. I mean… I’m sure she has some time when she eats McDonald's and watches trash TV, but if I spread that information, the MI-6 will have to kill me. So I stick with the dignified leader of the Commonwealth front, here.”

Caleb shakes his head, the cutest lopsided smile on his face, and Maisie laughs. “Okay, there might be some ridiculous logic in there somewhere,” she admits.

“How many people have you applied your theory to?” I ask, more curious than I’d like to be.

“Too many to count,” he tells me. “You’re a foggy Thursday morning.”

“I am?”

“Yep. Caleb is a stormy Wednesday night, Maisie is a sunny Friday afternoon, Sam is a rainbowy Saturday, and I am a party night.”

“No you’re not,” Caleb replies.

“That’s the only schedule we disagree on,” Adam tempers.

“Not the only one,” Caleb says quietly. I might have been the only one to hear.

Maisie and Adam start discussing his silly theory and she seems very excited about it. They start classifying people from school, celebrities, fictional characters… I don’t particularly take part in the conversation, but it is very entertaining to listen to.

It’s enough to put me back in a laughing mood, leaving Charlie and his homophobic comment behind.

For a little while.

At some point, my hand brushes Caleb’s. His eyes dart towards it straight away like he’s been burnt. I apologize and move aside slightly. It’s the second time today that I have made uninvited physical contact with him, and both times it made him uncomfortable. I know they were accidents but it’s still enough to make things awkward and take me back to that weird, dark place Charlie pulled me in earlier.

I know Caleb’s reaction doesn’t mean anything, that it is possible he would have done the same if I were a straight guy, or even a girl, but I still feel a little hurt.

Not just because Caleb keeps moving away from me, but also because it is a tiring feeling to regularly feel like who I am is a cause of stress and anxiety. It is so unfair that no one gets a painful knot in their stomach for being straight. I also think it’s why I have issues opening up to Adam or Maisie about this. Because they wouldn’t entirely get it. This battle in me between the Liam who wants to fit in and the one who wants to claim who he is, the confusion of feeling different than the norm and how annoyed I am that it matters even a little to me, and the shame brought by others and that I try to fight but apparently always finds its way in. Some days, like today, the negative feelings overwhelm me faster than I can fight them. And I don’t know why.

I think today, I’m just tired of being me.

We are nearly there. Probably fifteen or twenty minutes before all of this is over. That’s when Adam and I disagree on the route we should take.

“Look at the map,” I tell him. “This is definitely shorter.”

“No, it’s not. Do I need to remind you that I’ve done this before?”

“It was a different route.”

“Still.”

“That’s shorter.”

“Yes, but it climbs. It would take longer.”

“No, it wouldn’t.”

“Let’s split up,” Maisie decides. “See which brother is the smartest one.”

Adam glares at her. “We all know the smartest one is the little nerd. But if we split, Caleb and I walk faster than you and Maisie. So we’ll definitely win. You might as well just give up now.”

“Or I team up with you,” Maisie offers. “That should level things out.”

“Why does Caleb get the smart one?” Adam replies, falsely annoyed, clearly just teasing her.

“I walk faster than him, though. Plus, if it’s you and me, we can explore your little theory a bit more.”

“That sounds great. What do you say little brother? Do you want to find out if your route is shorter than mine?”

“You’re going to look ridiculous when I beat you, you know that right?”

“I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to split up,” Caleb says.

“Cal, you need to be more fun,” Adam replies. “Honestly, what could happen?”

I think Adam didn’t hear what his friend was really trying to say. I don’t think Caleb is really looking forward to spending time with just me. Even if didn’t mind the accidental touching, I know he is shy and we never really talked to each other.

“We could arrive at the meeting point at different times and end up in detention,” Caleb replies. “And you know what Coach told us.”

Adam groans. “Fine. You’re right. Plus if something happens to Tiny Face, I’m sure my parents would blame me.”

“I don’t have a Tiny Face.”

“Yes, you do. That’s why you don’t have a boyfriend. You know what? Fine. Let’s take your route. But I will always know in my heart that I was right.”

I roll my eyes at him and we take the route I chose. Which makes me feel a little self-conscious. I hope I chose wisely.

And of course, I didn’t. Because if we had taken the other route, there wouldn’t have been the accident…

 ...