Dear Fellow Traveler,

I’m writing this because I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m going insane. I wish I was, because then that would mean this wasn’t real. But it is, I know it is, and that makes it so much worse.

It all started 8 years ago, when I was 12. My family had the tradition of going to visit the local lake on the other side of town when it froze over in the winter, for ice skating. We had managed to go years without incident, other than the usual falling and slipping on the ice.

It was a big lake. It was a good day, or at least it started good. I could remember it all clearly. Mom was having trouble getting Emily’s skates on her, because she wouldn’t hold still. Dad and I talked about playing hockey later after I helped Emily burn some energy so mom and her could skate around. Same thing every year, but still a fun time. Afterwards we would have gone for hot cocoa. Like every year.

But THAT year, something had gone wrong. My sister, Emily, was 7 back then, and like always we chose a time to go skating later into winter when it was cold enough, the lake SHOULD have been completely frozen, but one spot wasn’t.

She fell through.

It happened so fast, and I was even holding her hand when it happened, but it was so quick, I had barely noticed her hand was gone if it hadn’t been so loud. I froze, staring at the growing cracked open hole in the ice.

I just froze as she sank, and I couldn’t move even as my father pushed me aside to go after her. All I could do was watch. My mom said it wasn’t my fault.

That Emily was going to be ok as dad brought her up. The doctor said she’d be ok. She was going to be ok.

But that wasn’t what left me frozen. Nearly losing Emily wasn’t what had made my blood turn to ice.

It’s what crawled out of the water after she fell through the ice that scared me stiff.

I had been startled by Emily falling, but THAT thing crawled out before I had a chance to react to my sister, reaching for me as it pulled itself halfway out of the frozen water. If I hadn’t pushed myself back when I did, it would have grabbed me. It disappeared back into the water when my dad dove in, but even than, my body wouldn't move. I could feel it staring at me under the ice. It had poked it’s head out, moved like a person trying to get out of the water, but more like someone pressed fast forward on a tape. It was shaped like a person, but it was blacked out. Like a solid shadow.

The sight of it left me feeling cold, sick, and I couldn't even move on my own, like my limbs were frozen. The doctors chalked it up to shock. I didn’t remember the drive to the hospital. I only remember how that thing popped out of the water a second time as me and Emily were taken to the car.

I didn’t stop staring even as the lake disappeared into the distance.

It took awhile before the double shock wore off.

Emily was ok when she was able to leave the hospital awhile later. She had gotten sick with pneumonia, she had always been small and got sick easily, so stayed in the hospital for a month, during that time I kept my focus on her. I was so happy she was going to be ok, even though I blamed myself for her getting so sick. It gave us all a scare when she was diagnosed.

We were all ok for awhile after the incident, maybe it was because we didn’t return to the lake for years.

Life went on, and the trauma was present, but the passing years made it easier to deal with. We went to a therapist to help with it, but I didn’t tell them about that thing. Even as I write this now I can feel the icy feeling I had that day. I never told anyone about the thing, I couldn’t. IT wouldn’t let me.

Years later, when Emily felt ready, we returned to the lake in the summer, it was to help her face her fears, and at the time, I had managed to push back the memories of that thing.

If I had known it would crawl out of the lake again, I would have NEVER gone back. But we did, and the moment I got there, I saw it crawl out of the lake again. I had walked up to the waters edge, not realizing what would happen, it was just there of a sudden.

I felt frozen again, even in the middle of a summer day.

I wanted to tell my parents, I WANTED to tell SOMEONE, but I couldn’t. I’m trying to keep my thoughts straight, but I can’t. So much keeps melting together. I can’t think straight. I wish it would get off my back.

It was there the whole day. Just standing there at the edge of the lake. It didn’t have eyes, but it was still staring at me. I couldn’t tell anyone about it. No one seemed to notice though. I hated the cold, heavy feeling it left in the pit of my stomach. I just wanted it to leave.

Even when we left, it was still there. From that point on, it was ALWAYS there, it JUST wouldn’t LEAVE.

I tried ignoring it at first. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t there, staring at me from outside my window. It was only visible when I was alone at first. It was manageable at first. It was just a blacked out shape at first.

It really started when I was 17, and as I’m typing this, it’s been 3 more years I’ve been living in this frozen hell.

I haven’t had a decent night's sleep since.

Because eventually it started appearing in the corner of my room, then the floor of my bed, and finally laying right next to me. The only time I could sleep is when I was too exhausted to stay awake, and for a few hours I could sleep without dream, only to wake up to it STARING AT ME THE MOMENT MY EYES OPEN.

It wasn’t all at once.

It happened slowly over the years.

At least it would disappear when someone else was around. I still felt sick being alone, like I could start dry heaving at any moment, so I spent as much time as I could with my family and friends.

No one noticed. I don’t know why. But no one noticed. I’m sure I was acting different, I had to have been, so why did no one notice? Not mom, not dad, not even Emily, who I hadn’t let out of my sight since it happened. But it was manageable at least. I had always been social, so being around my family was easy, hanging out with friends was easy, so long as that thing stayed away.

Until it wouldn’t. I guess it got impatient. Because like before, as it got closer and closer to me, more and more it would show up, even with others around me.

I couldn’t say anything

It never let me say anything. Anytime I tried, it felt like a frozen rope was around my neck. I’d freeze in place if I tried to text it, write it or anything meant to go directly to my parents, a friend-

To Emily….

I can only guess why it’s letting me write this… Maybe because I don’t intend to send it to anyone…

The worst part was always the staring, especially after it started changing it’s shape.

Staring at me. With a face like mine.

As time passed it started turning into me. But not me at the same time. It had been a black mass in the shape of a person at first. But as it started coming closer when I was alone, it started looking like me. But it’s hair was ghostly white, unlike my dark brown hair, and it’s eyes were an icy blue, instead of bark brown, it looked like me.

But if I were frozen.

It smelled like swampy pond water. It was so cold. It SMELLED cold. Does the cold even have a smell? I don’t know anymore...

I hated that the most. I wanted to strangle it, to yell at it, to tell it to LEAVE. But I could never do it. I was angry, but I was too scared of touching it, of actually acknowledging it. What would happen if I did?

I’m still too scared to find out.

It knew I could see it. But I still didn’t want to change what it would do if I spoke to it. I couldn’t touch it, but it could touch me. I could feel it touch me. I hated when it touched me. I felt sick every single time.

It had never done anything to anyone else, and yet I was still scared it could, after all it kept me quiet against my will, so no telling what it could do to someone else. It had a physical body, and viable touch, it could do anything if it wanted to. I’m sure of it.

It can wrap its arms around me, and I can feel the weight of it. It’s REAL. It’s here. I can see it. No one else can see it. I wish I were crazy. It’s driving me insane. I wish I were crazy, at least then there would be some kind of treatment. But I don’t know what it is.

I researched for years, but I can’t figure out WHAT it is. Doppelganger, poltergeist, changeling, shapeshifter, shadow people, none of them are right. I can’t figure it out. I wish I were crazy.

I wish it was just in my head. I wish I knew what it wanted, but I can’t ask. I don’t want to talk to it. I don’t know if it CAN speak, but I don’t want to find out. If it starts trying to converse with me, I’m sure that’ll be the final straw.

It took awhile, but eventually I became paranoid about it. I couldn’t be around my family without it looking angry. It would grip me, digging blackened nails into me. I could see them hours later, they didn’t break the skin, but I could feel it’s angry grip clear as day. The face that stared at me when I was alone was different from the one that was always angry when I was with people.

It was calm. It stared at me with sunken pale eyes I didn’t dare to look into for too long. But at least it was calm. Sometimes it would even go back to the corner of the room. It wouldn’t take long before it was back at my side again, if anyone came into the room.

It hadn't hurt anyone yet, but I was so scared it would eventually, I was sure it would with the anger and hate that would be visible on it’s face. I didn’t want it to hurt them.

I HAD to move out. I had to keep it away from my family. I told myself I could handle it. I owed it to them. They loved me even after I let Emily fall into the ice. They loved me even though I didn’t get good grades, even though I wasn’t good at any sports. I wasn’t good at anything. But I could keep it away from them.

They didn’t even ask me why. They just saw me off, not asking why, or where I was going, asking me to make sure to call when I settled in. Honestly, at this point, after everything, I was sure whatever IT was, it was hiding things somehow. I honestly wonder what they were seeing when they looked at me. Because when I looked in the mirror, I saw an exhausted face that was thin from lack of food. No one else noticed.

I wish someone had noticed.

Anyone.

I found a hotel to stay in in the next town over, I don’t plan to stay long honestly, but it’s the best I can do for now. I nearly drove into the wrong lane getting to the damn place. I’m looking for work now, it’s all I can think to do, I honestly don’t know what to do next. I could only think about writing this with whatever brain cells I still have. It’s a miracle in itself I haven't turned to drinking, or popping pills.

I’m so tired. I can’t even bother to re read this whole thing. I want to keep writing, I have so much to say still, but I’m so tired of it. Of everything.

So tired.

But at least I’ve gotten used to the cold.

Even now, as I’m writing this.

That’s all I can do, it’s on my back, as I’m hunched over, watching my every move like a hawk. But it’d not stop me. I don't know why. It’s just not. I’m so scared to ask.

So mom, dad, Emily, if you guys ever find this, just know I love you. And I’m sorry.