A/N: Enjoy <3 Thanks for all the love so far, it's good to be back writing my precious beans. 

Song: Old Insecurities by Winona Oak

Chapter 1

Vince’s POV

It should have been simple, attend baby Rowan’s first birthday party, drop off some gifts, maybe even stay for food and socialize. Yet my hands were sweaty and shaking as I stared at the house in front of me. I was already late, practically dragging myself to Aspen and Sarah’s home, wondering if they’d notice if I don’t show up. But I already knew the answer to that; they had already texted me five times collectively, another three messages from Xavier. 

With my feet glued to the pavement, I could see him from the window. In the kitchen, Simon stood beside Sarah and Aspen, baby Rowan bouncing on his hip as they wore matching cone hats. It wasn’t like I hadn’t known he’d be here, but it didn’t stop the suffocating feeling I felt from seeing him again. Watching from this window had stirred up a memory that I wasn’t ready to relive yet again.

It was impossible not to think about that night. The sun was just about to set, but apart from that, everything felt the same—the laughter, the smell of fresh pizza and burning candles, even those silly cone hats. Even to the way Simon smiled and pointed at the cake before scooping up part of the icing and smearing it on the poor kid’s face. 

It didn’t help that Rowan looked just like Stephen in his arms, exactly how I remembered that night. 

Behind them, Xavier was grabbing paper plates, Jonah resting on his hip while Lilah gripped his shirt. They were laughing, smiles donning their faces as I remained in the middle of the walkway, still debating whether I should even bother going in. Aside from the few times Aspen and Sarah had me over for dinner, and Rowan clung to me like one of his blankets, I was hardly a part of Rowan’s life. I bet Simon interacted with him more, especially since he had named him.

They looked like a family in there, warm and inviting just like Simon’s family had been. The gift felt heavier in my hands, even though it was only a stuffed animal. Now that I thought about it, was this even an appropriate gift for a child? Wouldn’t I just dampen the mood by being in that house? Maybe I should’ve given something more practical, like diapers or wipes.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, I looked into the kitchen window, this time Sam standing near Simon. My heart sank, watching as they smiled at each other, Sam whispering something in his ear to elicit a laugh. It hadn’t been the first time I had seen them like this, and I knew I had no right to feel this way, to feel hurt when we had agreed things were fine, but it didn’t stop that sinking feeling in my chest. After a few sessions with Chase, it dawned on me that I had wanted that. I had been—still was jealous over someone that treated him right, that was making him happier than I ever could. That revelation alone had made me seriously rethink things; being jealous wouldn’t solve anything, wouldn’t make things alright. Yet, I could still feel it gnawing at me, that bitter feeling that I should be there instead. Even my wolf was pacing about, antsy as I was.

Rowan made a face as he squirmed in Simon’s arms, turning his body to look at Sam as the two laughed about whatever it was they were talking about. They continued their banter, Rowan grinning and grabbing pieces of the cake with his bare hands, making a mess that rivaled Xavier’s in the kitchen. 

A couple of minutes passed as I stood and watched, probably just as crazy as I looked on that drunken night, watching a family celebrate a child’s first birthday. Deciding to brave the frustration Sarah, Aspen, and Xavier would have for not showing, I approached the house, planning on just dropping the gift off on the porch before going back to my room and hiding away like I always did when Simon visited them. That is until I saw Rowan look toward me, icing-covered hands reaching out to me. A gesture he made whenever he wanted me to pick him up. His little feet kicked about, wanting to move around on his wobbly legs.

Hoping the others would be too lost in a conversation to notice, I crouched forward, only to see Simon and Sam’s head turn toward me. With all of us frozen, my eyes widened, the bag straps slipping from my grasp and falling with a thud. Wishing they had just ignored my presence, I backed away slowly from the porch, glancing up at the window, Rowan still with his outstretched hands, squirming in Simon’s arms.

Just pay attention to the child, please, I wanted to say.

To my dismay, Simon handed Rowan to Sam before he was out of view from the kitchen window, heading toward the front door. Shit. I couldn’t possibly do this, couldn’t face him right now; I wasn’t even remotely ready. What had I been thinking about coming here?

Turning on my heel so fast, I jogged out of the front yard, making a sharp turn out of sight as I heard the front door open, Simon’s voice calling out my name, a sound I hadn’t heard in over a year. That alone made me stop in place, the sound of concern, but if I did turn around, would he see how much of a coward I still was, unable to even face him even after all he reassured me. 

He called my name again, and my legs stumbled forward, away from him. I was a coward, still.

My wolf whined about walking away, but the flight response was in overdrive, my feet propelling me further and further. Weaving through houses in case he were to follow me, I wound up on the complete opposite way back home, closer to the Rogue Center, as it had been renamed, instead. Positive I looked like a fool; my reaction to seeing him at the bar had been better than this. Why did it feel like I was going backward?

With my nerves still high, the idea of going for a run sounded like a great way to let loose, to pretend I hadn’t just lost my shit about seeing him again. Even if it meant my wolf would be more present, I didn’t care; I needed space and time to get these silly things out of my head. Making a beeline to the RC, I walked past a few curious pack members, trying to appear as calm and stoic as possible. 

I’m going for a run. I told Xavier. I’ll be back.

But the party? And Simon and Ro? We were waiting-

I left Rowan’s gift there. Give them my regards. Tuning out whatever remark he had for me, I headed into the building, leaving my phone and other belongings with one of the betas. Explaining that I would go for a run, he simply nodded to the door before going back to guarding one of the patient’s rooms. 

Shifting had become a lot easier, almost painless now that I hadn’t been on any suppressants. However, I wasn’t without any repercussions; much of its effects from the sheer extent of my years of dependency were permanent, as Chase mentioned. The rift between my wolf and me would always be unbalanced, tethering the line of peril and stability. But he was getting better, and I thought I had too, until seeing Simon had been a douse of cold water. 

As harrowed about leaving the house and Simon behind as I was, my wolf was thrilled to go for a run. It had been over a week since our last run, something that had been therapeutic for both of us since getting off those pills. 

I let him traverse the woods for a bit, traveling through both sparse and dense areas. Even the woods were unfamiliar to him, knowing only the nearest outskirts of the pack and most frequently used hunting trail. 

Despite all the places I could go, I always wound up atop the mountain cliff, the one that overlooked the lake near the cave Simon had once called home. The place Michael had fallen to his death and where I was sure had catapulted this whole situation into this whole mess in the first place.

Here, I could think and voice the things I couldn’t share with Chase. The truth I refused to say aloud, the things I knew but didn’t want to accept. A place where I could think about everything that I had done and simply reflect, without the cautious onlookers or friends that felt the need to reassure me and say niceties out of a place of pity. 

Here, I could openly feel. Something I struggled to do while he was here. 

Somedays, I’d scream, cry, or sit in silence. Other days I’d curl up in the cave and wonder how Simon could have possibly lived like that for sixteen years. An answer I was certain I’d never know or fully understand. With what the bond had shown me, he should've hated me. 

I wanted to hate you. I really did. I’d shout obscenities at the top of the mountain until I was a sobbing mess because I knew it was untrue, he had told me. I wanted to be angry too, angry that things had gone this way, even if it had been mostly—if not all—my fault. He had told me that I needed more time then, and again in the letter. And maybe he was right, but I couldn’t do this for years, couldn’t let this go on for another sixteen years for us to get past this. He had sixteen years of suffering, trying to get past this feeling of heartache, to get past the things I had put him through—that I continue to put him through. 

Chase had told me not to compare my feelings to his, but how could I not? I had seen it, seen the things he endured—all of it. I shouldn’t be acting like this when I knew the things he had to face. He had every right to leave, every right to not have even given me that first chance when Michael had made that deal. There wasn’t a single day that I hadn’t wondered why he didn’t just join Michael’s hellbent plan to kill me; that would’ve been what any sane person would’ve done. 

And just as insane as that was, I still wanted him here—with me. I couldn’t deny that I missed him, maybe more than I should, but I missed him. Maybe I was the crazier brother after all, selfish for something impossible, wishing for something I couldn’t have—like a container of cookies a parent would keep on the top of a fridge.

No, he’s happy, I reminded myself. He’s happy, he’s happy, he’s happy. I repeated it like a mantra. One day I will be too, however long this would take. Yet, like my last run with my wolf, the pit in my stomach was growing, weighing heavily just as the thoughts and emotions seemed to drown out all tangible reasoning. Even if this was where I could freely let all these thoughts out, how was it that I felt so weightless and heavy here, atop the mountain cliff? 

The looming storm clouds weren't helping the mood either. Maybe it was better to just hole myself up in my room instead; at least it would be warm, and I wouldn’t have to worry about getting lost on the way back during a storm. I gazed at the forest below us, the lake off to the side. Would I be able to make it back without getting lost again?

As I scanned the valley, wondering which way I came, a strange scent wafted in the air. It was light, possible from the foot of the mountains. 

Ignoring it, I scanned the are again until I heard the faintest sound of rocks shifting behind me. A foreign voice called out from my left, “if you’re going to jump, wait till I’m gone. Or better yet, don’t.”

Whirling around, there stood a black-coated wolf, older, given the salt-and-pepper hair surrounding his muzzle and chest. He was taller, foreboding, almost as intimidating as an alpha. How I had not heard or smelled his scent earlier was beyond me. Even from here, it felt awfully muted for someone as intimidating as that. 

He stepped forward, his tail sashaying back and forth like a cat would in amusement. Unsure of his intentions, I stepped back and again until he growled. With a whine, I stepped back, unaware that there wasn’t much of the cliff left behind me. He raised his jowls just as my hind leg slipped, panic setting in as the earth under me slipped, my other legs scrambling to stay on the ledge. My wolf whined as our hind legs dangled, failing to find some footing.

Only the narrowed hazel eyes stared back at me, flashing gold for a second as I could feel myself start to fall. The same damn cliff that had killed Michael, would this be the end for me too?

I thought about mind-linking Simon in that moment, possibly Xavier, but what would that do but ruin a party. It would only make it worse. So instead, I shut my eyes, hoping the moon goddess would spare them any hurt, that they’d move on with that happy life they were living, all while I fell to my shitty death. 

But it never came. Instead, a set of teeth clamped the back of our neck, tugging us back from the ledge onto more solid ground. The unfamiliar wolf snarled the entire way, even as he released his hold on my neck. My body wracked with tremors at just how close that had been. So, he wasn’t someone who was a part of my long list of people who hated me; or he’d want me dead by some other method. It was possible he hated me as badly as Michael where he’d want to torture me for years like he did. Still, I was grateful that he had saved me, even if he’d end up murdering me later. 

My legs shook as I got back on my feet, turning to face him as he remained aloof, a slightly amused grin as he gave me space to gather my grounding.

“Who-”

“Clumsy as ever, it appears.” The corners of his lips raised in a smirk, one that had given me a strange sense of deja vu, but I didn’t recognize this wolf at all. “I see that hasn’t changed at all about you, Vince.”