Chapter 17 

-Percy-

I smile a little sadly at Emmi, patting his thigh. “Well, as you can tell…it bothers me that you slept with other people. And it’s only partly the actual act which bothers me…a lot of it is that for me, it felt like I was holding out hope. Hope that I would see you again, and that we could be together. And maybe it was unfair of me to expect you to do the same when you had a life to get on with. So, I’m not going to ask you how soon after we mated you started sleeping with other people, because no matter what you say it’ll just upset me more. And it’s not like I want you to apologise or anything, I just…wanted to tell you how it made me feel, to find out about it all.”

Emmi is silent for a long moment before he finally says “and yet, you still came to find me. Thank you, Percy,” he says quietly, glancing up at me. I blink a few times; I hadn’t been expecting him to thank me. So I just smile, squeezing his leg once before placing my hand back in my lap. 

“And, I really am sorry for not…waiting for you. I don’t have an excuse, and nothing could excuse it anyway. It was a shitty thing to do; shitty for you, shitty for the people I was having sex with, and ultimately…shitty for me too. It was a stupid thing to do, and I kind of…always knew that. I guess I just…needed an outlet. The same outlet I’d always used; I put all my energy into sex rather than feeling angry, so that I and whoever I was with could feel good, instead of being angry and making everyone around me feel like shit. But then I met you, and after we mated…nothing was the same anymore.” Emmi looks up at me, and I can tell that he’s being honest. 

He isn’t trying to excuse himself; he’s just trying to be honest. He’s just trying to explain to me why he did it. 

At first, when I realised that he was sleeping with other people, I just assumed that he was some bastard who couldn’t keep it in his pants. But after talking to Emmi for even just a short while, I realised that there was probably something else to it.

There’s having sex with people because you enjoy it, and then there’s using sex as a coping mechanism.

And I think it’s pretty clear which category Emmi falls under.

“After we mated,” he continues, carefully placing his hand on the bed next to my right leg. Smiling gently, I pick up his hand and place it on my leg. He’s trying to show me when he wants to touch me, but he’s giving me the option: I can either take his hand, or I can leave it where it is.

And either is a perfectly fine choice.

And I love that with Emmi, I feel justified in doing either. I love that I know he understands how it’s more complicated for me. I love how well he can already read me, with or without this bond between us.

“Everything changed. And for quite a while, I wasn’t sleeping with anyone. I couldn’t; it felt like a betrayal of your trust. Because it was. So I didn’t, and I would just um. Think about you.” Emmi’s face has gone bright pink, so I can immediately tell what he’s thinking about me in particular. I just place my hand over his on my leg, smoothing my fingers across the back of his hand.

“But then I couldn’t find you. So many times, I ran through those woods where we met. But it was like you’d just vanished. And that…it made me angry. Surprise surprise,” he says with a wry smile, gritting his teeth a little as he runs his hand through his hair.

“And I thought I’d never see you again. So then I just went crazy and did whatever the hell I wanted. And then eventually, Keye became my beta. And she reminded me of you. The way she could calm me by talking to me, the way she was unfazed by me…I slept with her because she didn’t care, and neither did I. It was stupid and unfair to us both; she knew you existed and we both knew that she must have a mate out there somewhere too. But what’s done is done, and I’m just glad that I didn’t ruin our friendship.”

Taking his hand off my leg and holding it, I smile slightly at my mate. “Thank you for being honest with me. And from now on…if you want to have sex, just ask me.”

Emmi gapes at me a little and I just clear my throat awkwardly and look away. “Oh- oh. Are you…comfortable with that? And would you even…want to?” He asks gently, looking as awkward as I feel, luckily. I’m glad it’s not just me being a blushy idiot.

“Yep. I’ve never had a bad sexual experience and the last one I had was with you, and I did uh. Like it. So, I’m guessing that I’ll be alright. Positive association and all that. So long as you’re still here in the morning, that is,” I say playfully, elbowing him in the ribs.

And to my relief, Emmi just smiles softly and carefully places a kiss on the back of my hand. “I promise that I’ll still be here in the morning, and every morning in the future. I’m not leaving you like that ever again, Percy.”

And I believe him. I really do. I know that Emmi wouldn’t do that to me again, and I am also sure that if Emmi ever had to vanish to do something, he would tell me first. I think that as much as I don’t want to lose him again, he doesn’t want to lose me either.

Or at least, that’s what his expression says to me.

“So…can I ask you about what you’re comfortable with? In terms of contact. Because I don’t want to accidentally make you uncomfortable or anything,” Emmi says after a moment, glancing down at where our fingers are laced together, resting on my prosthetic right leg. 

“Well, I think what you’re doing thus far is working…if you keep making it obvious when you want to hold hands or whatever, then I know what you want and it makes it easier for me. But other than that, if I initiate it it’s fine, and just generally…if I know what you’re trying to do, it’s easier. So please don’t randomly grab me or touch me when I can’t see you or something like that. If it’s unexpected I’ll probably panic,” I explain, already finding it easier to be touched by Emmi than by random people.

Once I’m fully used to being touched in a positive way, I think I’ll be able to be touched by anyone. Well, no. Anyone who I know and trust, so long as I can see what they’re doing. That kind of thing.

Emmi nods along to my words, his expression serious as he turns to me with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, do you mind repeating that when I can write it down? I don’t want to forget or something so if I have a list and I look at it every day then-“ 

Oh.

My gosh.

My mate is possibly the most adorable person I’ve ever met.