December 2013

  After our first fight, Lars and I started arguing even more.  They weren’t huge arguments like the first one, but it was enough to make us both pissed off for the rest of the day. And almost 100% of the time, it was started by Lars. He would be in a really good mood, and then suddenly he'd be right cold and rude. It was as if something was setting him off.  Like, just being around me, pissed him off.  But after the arguments were done and over with, he would come back to me later to tell me how sorry he was. He really didn’t seem to mean to cause these arguments, which made me feel a bit of pity for the guy.

  To add to things, he was drinking and smoking more.  Normally, he'd go out for a drink with his friends every Friday, but now he seemed to be drinking 5 nights a week at least.  And I don't even know how he was keeping up with his cigarettes.  He was blowing through a pack every two days, instead of the usual pack per week. He would hardly make his contribution to the monthly expenses because of how much money he was wasting on all his quick fixes. It was almost as if he was going on self destruct.

  With all the intoxication in his system, it was most likely contributing to his foul mood and our arguments.  There were countless times I tried to convince him not to go out drinking, but he would flip me off and go anyway.  One time, I actually told him he wasn’t welcome back home if he got drunk.  Unfortunately, I didn’t stick to it.  My heart broke when I saw him come home so drunk he could barely stand up straight. I couldn’t leave him without shelter for the night so I let him in.

  I tried talking to him about everything, but nothing I said was getting through to him. It hurt me to see him go through such a hard time, but it didn't seem to be something I could help him with. With everything that was going on, I was forced to make a very tough decision.  One for the better of my mental well being, and one that might even possibly help Lars.

-

  "You're breaking up with me?" Lars said.  He sounded hurt.  

  We were both sitting on the living room couch.  After Lars came home from work, I decided to tell him my decision. I was lucky to catch him when he was sober.  Had he been drunk, I wouldn't have dared told him.  It was too risky.  He got way too aggressive when he got drunk.

  "Look, it's just not working out." I said. "I think it's fair to say neither of us are happy.  We fight constantly, and I can't remember the last time we got along for a long period of time."

  "Robin, I love you!" Lars cried. 

  "But yet you treat me like rubbish!" I countered.  I kept control of my tone, and tried not to sound like I was blaming him.  "You come home drunk most days, and have gotten so distant from me. I don't even know you anymore!"

  Lars looked like he was about to snap at me, but instead, he took a deep breath, and let it out.

  "Ok. I get it." He sighed. "I have problems, ok? And drinking is my way to cope. Obviously it's not working.  I never meant to let it get so bad that it would affect our relationship."

  "Things happen." I said softly. "It's not your fault.  But please. Get help for it. I still want to be friends, so I'll always be here to support you."

  Lars smiled sadly at me. "Thanks, Robin."

  Lars surprisingly didn't flip out at me for breaking up with him.  In fact, he seemed to be happy I told him because it gave him motivation to do better.  He started going to a support group, and even did therapy.  All this was letting him get back to the Lars I knew.  But despite that, it was still clear we were no longer together.

  I let him keep living with me until he was able to find another place.  I didn't mind, since we were still friends, and Lars was actively looking for somewheres to move out to.  I didn’t want to be a jerk and shove him out, so I gave him a month or two to find somewhere to go. Especially since Christmas was in a little less than a month. I knew I wouldn’t mentally be able to handle staying with him for much longer than that. As long as he didn't start becoming more violent, it was ok for him to stay for the extra time.

  However, after a while, I found myself getting drawn back to him.  And I believe he felt the same with me. He was reverting back to the gentle and caring man I knew and loved.  So much so that I was noticing myself fighting with myself more and more about getting back with him.  Deep down, I knew it probably was a bad idea, but my heart desired something else.  To try and knock some sense into myself, I asked Diane her opinion on the situation.

-

  "So, you want to get back with the guy who was being a jerk to you because he seems nice again?" Diane asked as we walked through the mall on a Saturday afternoon.  "What if he goes back to being a jerk?"

  I shrugged. "I don't know… That's why I'm asking you."

  "Well, in my opinion, I wouldn't do it."

  I sighed. "Figured you'd say that."

  "Oh, c'mon. I think we both know you don't listen to my opinions." Diane laughed. "You're more stubborn than I am! Obviously you want to get back with him, and I don't think my opinion is gonna stop you."

  "True." I laughed. "I'm going to think it over a bit more, and then decide."

  "Good idea." Diane smiled. "It's always good to think things through."

  "Pft. Unless your name is Diane. Then it becomes more than thinking things through."

  "Har Har. I get it. I'm a nerd."

  "Ah, c'mon, you know I'm joking." I playfully shoved her to the side. Diane shoved me back, and I almost fell over.  

  "Blimey, Diane!" I said as I recovered from her shove. "Since when did you get so strong?"

  "Been working out." She smiled. "Why, was I really so weak that you can notice that much of a difference?"

  "Well, not weak, but you wouldn't have been able to shove me like that!" I laughed. "Man, I better start working on my strength to keep up with you!"

  Diane laughed.  I glared at her, and was about to say something as a joke, but then realized that she did look a bit smaller.  Red flags starting popping up immediately. When Diane lost even the smallest of weight, it was noticeable.  Not to mention, it created the fear that she was relapsing.  And when she relapsed, she relapsed HARD. 

  "So, is there a reason you've been working out?" I asked her suspiciously.

  "It's a good exercise." She shrugged. "You know I don’t like sitting around too much. And since we just finished the last dig of the season, I needed an activity to get out more. Sitting around on my off time drives me nuts."

  I raised a brow.  Diane had a history of being a compulsive exerciser, so for her to sit still and just relax, it was a good thing.  Unfortunately, she had a habit of falling back really hard when she tried even small things that related to her eating disorder habits. Things like working out.

  "Oh. You think I'm relapsing, don't you?" Diane said with a frown.

  "I'm just worried, and making sure you're ok.  So, are you doing ok?"

  "I'm all good." Diane smiled. "I promise."

  "So, you've been eating enough to make up for what you're burning off? Cuz' I think we both know you don't eat much to begin with." 

  "Well, I'm working on that." Diane laughed nervously. "I'm trying to add in an extra snack everyday I workout, but I tend to forget. That's probably why it looks like I've lost a bit."

  I gave her a suspicious look.  She seemed pretty genuine, but with Diane, you never knew.  She could be extremely manipulative and deceiving when it came to her eating disorder.

  "Robin, I'm working on it, I swear." Diane assured me. "And if I can't keep up with it, then I'm going to stop working out."

  "Alright, alright I believe you." I said. "But I'm gonna be on your back about it. So expect a call or text daily."

  "Figures." She laughed. “I’ve already got Kevin on my back, so with the both of you combined, I’m sure I’ll be kept on track.”

  “Good.” I laughed.