January 2014

  The next couple days were rough.  Lars was really struggling with his alcoholism, and it was making him express everything through anger.  Thankfully, it was never really physical and it was more verbal abuse than anything. I knew the first couple days were going to be rough.  Addictions were hard to break. So I sat there and took it. The only thing that threw me off was his complete lack of empathy. Everytime he apologized, it just didn’t seem genuine anymore. Nevertheless, I was there for him when he was dealing with emotional outbursts and held him back from getting more alcohol. Thankfully, after going a couple days without drinking, he started calming down a lot more and seemed to be doing better.  He was like two different people.  If he was drunk, he was an emotional mess, but when he was sober, he was calm, collected and seemingly normal.

  I thought things would go back to normal like they usually did, but I was wrong.  Something seemed to have set off in Lars and he was getting to be quite mean again.  Only this time, it was more manipulative.  He was constantly telling me what I could or couldn’t do, and would always be trying to control my actions by using fear.  He was damn good at it too.  He knew exactly what to go for, and would do it in such a subtle way I would just barely realize what he was doing.  But despite knowing he was trying to control me, the manner of which he said those things always made me believe him.  He just seemed so caring and seemed like he wanted the best for me.

  His favourite was using Diane against me.  I made the mistake of opening up to him about Diane’s severe case of anorexia, and how she was having a small relapse at that time. He started bringing up her a lot, and asking how he was doing. It wasn’t uncommon for him to ask if she was doing better while I wasn’t around, or something along those lines.  At first it made me worry more about Diane.  It made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough for her and that I needed to do more.  But then Lars started convincing me that I was the problem and I had to get out of her life so she could heal.  The only reason it was so easy to believe was because in the past I had a habit of blowing up at poor Diane for how she wasn’t taking care of herself.  Lars made me believe it was those outbursts that caused her to get worse.

  This eventually led to me letting Lars block Diane’s number from my phone.  He convinced me that I wasn’t helping her, and I was only a burden. So he took it upon himself to help Diane out and block her number.  I didn’t doubt I was a burden.  Especially since I had started self harming again from all the stress of my situation. I knew that Diane would eventually find out if I was around her, and it would stress her out more. So I knew being away from her was best. At first I kept unblocking her number just in case Diane needed me, but Lars kept blocking it.  He would make me feel especially bad when Diane would leave worried messages.  Eventually, I stopped trying and just let him keep her number blocked.  I never thought I would block Diane’s number in my life, but I guess I was wrong.  

  On top of everything, he was getting frisky. He expected me to furfil his needs when I made it very clear when we got together that I was asexual. I didn’t want to have sex with anyone, and I mean ANYONE.  It just wasn’t something I wanted, and at the beginning, he respected it and said he was okay with it.  But overtime, he respected it less and kept saying I just needed to find the right person, and I wouldn’t know until I tried. He wanted us to have a go at it so I could really know for sure.  Despite constantly saying no, he kept getting too close and trying to get on me.  I had to lock my bedroom door at night just so he wouldn’t sneak in, and even then I didn’t feel safe.  I was slowly losing the privilege of feeling safe in my own home.

  --

  I needed a break from everything, so I thought maybe taking a couple days to spend with my Dad would be a good idea.  Dad had the weekend off, so I planned on going to visit. I just needed a day away from Lars.  I hardly talked to anyone but him and I knew it was taking a toll on me.  Dad was fine with letting me stay over for the night.  I think he sensed something was wrong when I called to ask if I could go visit.  

  “Where are you going?” Lars asked as I was going down the stairs with a bag of stuff.

  “To my Dad’s” I replied. “I’m staying there for the weekend.”

  “And why’s that?”

  “Uh, I want to spend time with my Dad?” 

  “What about me? I thought we could spend some time shopping tomorrow.”

  “We can go next weekend.” I said. “I want to spend time with my Dad for this weekend.”

  “Why? You never spend the weekend there.”

  “Because I want to.” I stated. I could tell he was getting pissed, so I started making my way past him.  I wasn’t about to get into another argument.  I almost made it by him when he grabbed me by the arm, pulled me back and slapped me across the face.  He slapped me so bloody hard I toppled back against the closet door near the entrance.

  “Don’t give me that attitude.” He growled. I looked at him in shock.  He was a jerk sometimes, but he never actually hit me before. Not that hard. I took a couple seconds to recover before pulling away from him and taking off.  I didn’t even bother putting on my shoes.  I just grabbed them and ran out the door.  Scared of him coming after me, I rushed to my car and quickly got out of there.  I was trying so hard not to cry the whole time.  I was already driving without shoes, I didn’t need to have a breakdown too and get distracted.  I held it in until I pulled into my Dad’s driveway.  The second I parked the car and turned it off, I felt tears well up in my eyes. I broke out into hysterics. I couldn’t do this anymore! I needed to get away from Lars, but he had me so tightly wrapped around his finger! I was terrified of him! I didn’t dare do anything out of line purely out of fear he would do something hurtful! And knowing he was willing to hit me wasn’t making it any better!

  I spent almost 10 minutes crying in the car.  Dad must’ve seen me come into the driveway because he came out onto the porch.  He saw me crying in the car and quickly threw on some shoes to come and see me.  I tried to stop myself from crying in front of him, but the minute he came and opened the car door, I literally stumbled out of the car,  fell onto him and cried on his shoulder.  My poor feet stung from stepping in the cold and rocky gravel, but I just couldn’t seem to care.  My face stung more than anything.

  “What’s wrong??” He asked, clearly looking very concerned. “And why don’t you have shoes on??”

  I was crying so hard I could only make out a couple words at a time.  I didn’t feel safe enough to tell him everything, but I did tell him about my run in with Lars before I left. He would’ve noticed anyway because of the huge red mark I had on my face.  But I knew Dad knew there was more to it than that.  I wasn’t one to break down over something like that.  Dad grabbed my stuff and brought me inside. We sat down in the living room and he tried to get me to talk about what was going on, but I just couldn’t do it.  I was so scared of Lars coming for me that I couldn’t speak up.  I didn’t know what would happen to me or my family and friends if he found out I ratted him out. He had so much control over me that he could easily trick me into doing something I would regret, or just make my life hell.

  “Robin, please.” Dad begged. “There’s something more to this. What’s going on?”

  I shook my head no with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I didn’t dare speak about it.

  “Please-”

  Just as Dad started to speak, there was a knock on the door. 

  “We’ll talk about this later, ok?” He sighed as he got up to go answer the door.  

  “Hello?” Dad said as he opened the door. “Oh! Diane! Long time no see.”

  I almost screamed.  Could this situation not get any worse?! Knowing I wouldn’t be able to face her, I covered myself up with a blanket.  Maybe she wouldn’t notice a suspicious lump on the couch. While trying not to make any crying sounds from under my hiding place, I listened to what they were talking about. I secretly hoped Dad wouldn’t let her in.

  “I was just visiting my Dad and I saw Robin’s car.” Diane said to Dad. “Is she here?”

  “Uh, yea, she is.” I could feel Dad look my way. “Could we just step outside for a second? I wanna talk about something.”

  “Oh, sure.” Diane said, quite clearly confused.  The two stepped out and I wasn’t able to eavesdrop anymore.  I took the opportunity to roll off the couch and book it to my old bedroom.  I crawled under my blankets and hid.  I knew she was going to find me and it scared me.  Just the thought of facing her started making me cry.  It made me think too much about how controlling Lars had become and was overwhelming.  I silently sobbed while waiting for the time Dad and Diane would come find me.  

  After a couple minutes, I heard the front door open and they came back inside.

  “She probably ran off to her room.” Dad sighed. “The little rascal.”

  “I’ll go talk to her.” Diane sighed.  I heard her come down the hallway to my bedroom.  She cracked open the door and looked in.

  “Can I come in?” She asked.  

  I didn’t reply, so she let herself in. She came over to me and sat on the edge of my bed.

  “You’re not great at hiding.” She said with a small laugh. “Come on, get out from under the blankets.”

  I refused to do so.  So Diane lifted them up off me. I kept my head down.  I didn’t dare look at her.  

  “What’s going on?” Diane asked quietly. 

  “Nothing.” I mumbled. 

  “Your father said otherwise. He said you and Lars aren’t getting along.”

  Not wanting to talk about it, I grabbed the blanket and pulled it back over myself.

  “Has he gone back to his old ways of being a jerk?” Diane asked. 

  “A bit…” I mumbled.

  “Something tells me it’s more than a bit if you’re this upset. I’m guessing it’s only getting worse.  And honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you said he was abusive.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Oh I don’t know, the fact you have my number blocked? I know you’d never do that.”

  “I’m a burden.” I mumbled a bit too loudly. “I’m only making your problems worse.”

  Diane immediately ripped off the blankets I had on me and made me look up at her.  A huge part of me was relieved to see she hadn’t lost any weight since I last saw her, but another part of me was convinced it was because I wasn’t around her as much anymore.

  “Robin, you are not a burden.” Diane said very sternly.  She looked hurt that I would even say such a thing. “You’re the best of best friends I could ever ask for. You definitely don’t make my problems worse, and whoever told you that can go fuck themselves. We’ve been through hell and back together, and we’re still very close friends.”

  Being emotional and very vulnerable, I just started sobbing.  Diane pulled me into a hug and sat with me while I cried like a damn baby.

  “You don’t have to be afraid to tell me things.” Diane said quietly. “I can imagine you’re scared and don’t know what to do, but you can’t keep cutting people out and not talking about it.”

  “I just… I didn’t expect him to h-hit me…” I sobbed. “He can get mean… but not to the point he would actually hit me…”

  “I know you’re not going to like this, but you need to kick him out.” Diane sighed. “If you don’t get out of this now, it’s only going to get worse.”

  “I-I know… but ugh… I don’t know how…”

  “How about we go get your stuff and you can stay at my place for a bit?” Diane offered. “Once we get everything sorted then you can go back.”

  “No, it’s fine…” I sighed. “I think I’ll just stay with Dad until I feel ready to go back and give him the boot.”

  “You’re sure?” Diane asked. “I don’t want you getting forced into staying with him and then you getting hurt.”

  “I’ll be ok.” I tried to say as confidently as possible. 

  “Alright…” Diane sighed. “I’ll take your word for it. Also, are you gonna unblock my number anytime? I miss talking with you.”

  “Oh. Yea, one second.”  I pulled out my phone and went to unblock the number. A huge part of me didn’t want to, but I knew Diane would question me if I didn’t unblock it. I was too distracted to notice my loose sleeves had slid down my arm.  I heard Diane sigh loudly.

  “You’ve been cutting?” She asked quietly.

  “Hm?” I was a bit off guard for a second before realizing she saw some new cuts.  I quickly pulled down my sleeve and hyper focused on my phone.

  “I take it you don’t want to talk about it?” Diane asked.

  I shook my head no.

  “Fair.” She sighed. “Well, you wanna hang out for the day? I’ve got today and tomorrow off for once.”

  “I’m not really feeling up for anything.” I admitted.

  “Not even a movie?”

  “I suppose I’d be down for that.” 

  “Awesome.  Dad said he got some new movies, so lemme just run over to see what he’s got.”