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being alone does not equate being lonely

alone

noun / əˈlōn /

having no one else present

Or, at least, that was what they said.

In fact, however, I escaped far enough that no one could catch me. Surprisingly, even to me, it was easy to escape from the fortress that kept us captive in a prison we called home. Well, I mean, I escaped the mansion a few times when I was younger, so I know how easy it was to run away. However, I did not expect the lack of capability from the supposedly high-quality guards to find one young lady. To the point it was embarrassing, I shall admit.

Back then, such thoughts did not occur in my mind. My mind was full of hatred and betrayal, thinking that Deneb, my own twin sister whom I loved dearly, sold my freedom in exchange for hers.

I had a lot of deep thinking on the period of time when I was but a sole vagabond; running and jumping from one city to another so as to not raise any suspicion, living a difficult life I had never thought of. Not so bad of a memory, but definitely not the best of a memory, too.

A day in a town, then another day. Then, I left for another village. Two days, three days, repeat. It was a cycle of thinking, surviving, and running away. My sole goal was to escape and disappear, without a trace, if possible. What was the point of going back to that place of resentment and derision, anyway?

Thinking back, there were moments of despair when I thought of how pathetic I was for feeling betrayed by my own twin sister. When I ran away, my single thought was that Deneb stripped me off my freedom. But, what about her? She was living her whole life behind the fortress, protected from nothingness, taught to be a proper lady she had to be, and to be wedded to a gentleman of our parents’ choice, all the while having health issues.

She lived her life sacrificing her heart and soul to please the royals, while I took all the freedom bestowed on me for granted.

Then, a miniscule part of my mind reminded me that despite losing everything, she had something that I never and would never ever have: affection and adoration from others.

Indeed, I tried my best to be the lady fitting to the name of Zelinda, a woman befitting the title of a lady, a perfect spawn to be called Deneb Zelinda. Yet, did it grant me love and affection? Surely, not. All I got was even more mockery, for I could never be as sophisticated as Deneb, for I could never be as good as Deneb, for I could never be enough as myself.

With enough days passed, I lost track of time.

I did not know how long had I been away; how long had I been alone. Each day passed in a blink of an eye, as if they were but a fever dream. Maybe, in the corner of my mind, I wished it was a fever dream, and that I would wake up from this nightmare.

Though, of course, nightmare is but a reality.

Then, I stopped caring.

No one had found me, even though I was but a single woman with no means to protect herself, which led me to wonder if they truly looked for me. Perhaps, they were glad to finally rid themselves of such disgrace of a woman. Perhaps, they had found another replacement for me.

Yet, I could not make up my mind. Did I hate Deneb, for taking advantage of my kindness in a way that stripped me off of my freedom? Did I hate our parents, for forcing us in a bad place that tore our relationship apart? Did I hate myself, for being nothing but an embarrassment for the family?

How could I know? Nothing was important anymore. Nothing meant anything, nothing became my reason to live.

And I thought, alas, the journey was pointless, for I could not find any answer to unasked questions.

Until one night, I met her.

and it was a journey for her to find a reason to live

vagabond.