So… my life is now definitely worse than it was when I decided to take this gap year.

I am on my tenth job or something and… sure, it does what it’s supposed to and I can pay my rent and food, but… it doesn’t bring me any joy. It keeps me busy at best. I don’t feel better for it than I did going to college for a career I’m not sure I want. Maybe I should have stayed in education.

And the dating… I stayed away from the boys I like, but I didn’t really stay away from boys and there have been a few one-night stories that have definitely not been fulfilling. I have been invited – and going – to so many parties lately. I'm pretty sure I’m drinking too much, and… I think I’m getting more and more lost when I should be finding myself.

I don’t think I have the words to talk about it with the girls. It also doesn’t help that I don’t really want to talk to them anyway. I am still texting Damian and I know they don’t like it. He is dating someone else, but I have a feeling this won’t last very long. I think we are taking time apart to find our way back to each other. I am at least starting to hope that this is the case. And I can’t tell them any of that. They wouldn’t understand nor approve.

There is a light knock on my room and Grace comes in without giving me time to reply.

“What if I had been doing something private?” I ask her.

“I know how many times you’ve left your room empty for the night just last week,” she replies with a teasing and judgemental glare. “I doubt you have any energy left for any more private things.”

“There’s always energy for that,” I say and she rolls her eyes at me.

“We’re going out tonight,” she announces, sitting next to me on my bed. That’s Grace. She doesn’t really ask, she tells you.

“Didn’t you just imply that I was partying too much?”

“I didn’t say I would take you partying.”

“Another of Taz’s dinner?”

“No.” I almost feel disappointed and I don’t let myself think about the reason why. I just know it’s not Taz. “But Taz will be there. There is a med school trivia quiz tonight. We are one player short and you are the smartest person I know.”

“I am not in med school.”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to be to join. It’s not official or anything. It’s just a student thing to blow off some steam.”

“While showing off how smart you are because doctors are a bit vain?”

Shre chuckles. “Something like that. So? Will you come?”

“I wouldn’t want you and Taz to lose simply because I’m not here to help you,” I tease her.

“Oh, no. Taz won’t be on our team. That’s why I need you. We need to annihilate them.” There is an intense fire in her eyes as she says that.

“You know, sometimes you’re a bit scary.”

“Enough to ask you to do my part of the dishes?”

“No, not that scary.” Although… not far.

When we get to the bar where trivia night is organized, the other teams are already there. My eyes find Taz’s team immediately. Once more, nothing to do with Grace’s boyfriend, and all to do with the boy sitting next to him. Scott is there and I try to ignore the little happy feeling in my stomach. Because it is ridiculous. I met him twice. The first time was less than five minutes. And the second time… We had fun, we had a great conversation, we enjoyed each other company, but it wasn’t just the two of us. It’s not like we ever had the opportunity to bond.

Maybe I should just find myself a boyfriend – or an ex-boyfriend – and stop developing crushes over any boy who just smiles at me.

“Just so you know, you are not allowed to talk to him,” Grace tells me, looking annoyed. How does she even know what I was thinking? Kate was with us that evening and she didn’t realize that I was a bit smitten… Or maybe she did and she mentioned it to Kate. Is my crush so obvious?

But she is not looking in Scott’s direction. I follow her gaze and… oh. Damian is here… His eyes meet mine and he smiles softly. He silently mouthes “Finally. Competition.”

That makes me feel pleased and proud. My determination is melting further. Perhaps this is part of the answer. I still don’t know what I should do with my life, but maybe I know who I want in it while I keep investigating…

I mouth back “Let the best man win” and he winks at me.

“Andrew, what did I just tell you?” Grace asks.

“Technically, I didn’t speak to him.”

“You’re weak and you will regret this eventually. You know… the next time you’ll be yourself and he dumps you for it.”

“Can we keep tonight happy and civil?”

“Sure. As long as you make us win.”

There are five teams of four. At first, this is a very tight game. The questions on the first round are all about medicine – of course – and the teams being mostly made of future doctors, it is a rapidity exercise more than anything else. Although… to be perfectly fair, even if his team is second, Damian is the player with the most correct answers.

One team is eliminated but I don’t know anyone on it so I don’t feel bad for them. I don’t think I would anyway. I just love winning. Maybe there is still some of that varsity basketball player in me after all.

The next round is about cinema and Damian’s team clearly has the best knowledge. We still deliver a good fight. Another team is taken out. I think one of them used to be in some of my lectures but I’m not sure. Or maybe he’s the guy Kate was seeing last Thanksgiving? Either way, it doesn’t seem like he made a big impression on me.

I know the third round will be mine the moment the theme drops: classical music. And indeed, I dominate this round. I completely annihilate the other teams. It even costs me to let Grace answer a question, but she buzzed and I know she will answer right. I played it so much the first year we lived together that she probably knows Dvorak’s Serenade for strings as well as me. Still. I feel relieved when she delivers the right answer. Truthfully, I’m pretty sure that I could have eliminated the two other teams in one go, but Taz buzzes quicker than me on a blind test question, and of course, he gets it right because it is fucking Für Elise, and as we all established the night I met him, anyone who can hear would get that question right.

That’s fine. They are still in the game but not for long. We’re so going to win this.

I look at Damian. I just eliminated him. He doesn’t look annoyed. Actually, he is still smiling, looking amused. His eyes are saying “I’m not sure if I want you to win or lose, but I’ll be here to watch either way”.

I wink at him, pretty confident. Grace and I’ve got this. I get why she wanted me to be here. The rest of her team is a bit useless, but then again, Taz’s team has been pretty average so far, they just got lucky on every round. They haven’t placed first once. If we were playing by points they wouldn’t even be able to come back from my last round. Beating them will still feel fulfilling.

Oh, God. My life is a bit sad, isn’t it?

They announce the theme. Underwater life. Okay. Not my dream subject, probably not Grace’s either. But we are educated people. I’m sure we’ll manage to stay on top. And the rest of our team might finally show their worth.

Any hope disappears when I see Taz’s satisfied little smile. I’m pretty sure that means that this is his time to shine.

Not exactly. Not at all, actually. He doesn’t even answer a single question. But he knows his foster brother pretty well and that is definitely Scott’s theme. If any part of me was proud of my round on classical music, this puts me to shame. No one steals any answer from him, and he answers nearly half of the questions before the end of the sentence.

We lose, and I am not even upset about it. Because it was a well-deserved victory, and it was oddly beautiful to watch.

For a second, I am very impressed and a little overwhelmed by Scott. I remember the sea on his tattoo and I would like to see it again. More than a glance this time. And during that second, I completely forget about Damian.

Until my eyes find him and I suddenly feel very torn. Which one of them should I talk to first?

Not that it would make a difference. Damian is currently taken and Scott doesn’t do boyfriends.

Oh, my God, I am so weak. I’m never going to make it four more months, am I?