“I don’t get it,” Jace said as he thumbed through the thin pages. “It’s just a grid full of TV shows. Is it supposed to be like the guide that comes up on TV?”

“What do you think they had before modern set-top boxes? Couch potatoes relied on this little weekly book for decades. It was like their bible. And when there were still only fifty or so decent channels with stuff to watch, it all fit in each little issue.”

“Okay. Why is so much of it highlighted?”

“Worked on that all morning,” Wes said and took a bite of his donut. “In fact, the first set of shows I marked in pink start at eight, so I’d take the time to get ready.”

“Get ready for what?”

“Two days straight of TV watching, buddy! I’ll be there for some of it, but for the most part, you’re on your own. Still got a few… things to take care of.”

“You want me to sit in this room for two days while you’re running around doing who knows what? What are you so busy with, anyway? I thought this whole trip was supposed to be something for both of us to do together.”

“Sorry, Jace. It’s mostly boring adult stuff. But that’s okay—this is important for you. Forty-eight hours from now, your mind will be so drenched in modern shows, and commercials, and attitudes and looks and sayings… that you might feel like you were actually born the same year I was. It’s like conditioning. But the fun kind!”

Although he could think of worse wastes of time than spending all day in a nice, air-conditioned room in which he could do anything he wanted while watching television, Jace still let out his typical sigh and shook his head.

“It looks like you picked more than one show per time slot… uh, a lot.”

“That’s just to give you more options, let you watch things that might interest you. Or just flip through the channels and check out a little bit of everything.”

“And you watched all of these?” Jace exclaimed as he went through two days-worth of grids like a flipbook. “How did you have time for anything else?”

“It’s not like every show was new at the same time. But they’re all new to you. I mean, I watched a lot of reruns. It’s great seeing your favorite episodes over and over. I’d memorize lines, look forward to a scene, try to remember what happens next… And if I wasn’t sitting down to pay attention to the TV, then it was at least almost always on in the background. Everything I highlighted had some effect on me growing up. I think you’ll really get a good handle on what the decade’s kids are talking about after this.”

“Why is that so important again?”

“Well, like I said, you could try to make a friend or two while you’re here.”

“Just one problem. If you’re gone all day, then I’ll be stuck with a remote and TV that are spazzing out on me because time doesn’t like me being here.”

“I think I figured out a way to solve that problem. Or maybe at least make it less frequent.” Wes pulled the hotel room’s remote control out of his large pocket and tossed it down onto the bed for Jace to see. “What do you think?”

“The heck?” Jace held the remote in his hands and didn’t quite believe what he was seeing. “T-this… You wrapped it in my underwear? What is wrong with you? Sicko.”

“Sorry that I had to go through your stuff. You didn’t have much I could use. But I figure, if it’s covered by atoms or whatever from our time, it’ll be more stable.”

Jace looked at all sides of the remote, seeing how a pair of his briefs was tightly covering most of it, aside from its lens and buttons. And for good measure, its first layer was a clear plastic bag. Figuring it was also his, he remembered where it had come from.

“Hey, I had a bagel in this bag. You didn’t eat it, did you?”

“It’s in the minifridge. So, what do you think? If you’re not touching it directly, it might work better. Did you know that all of the atoms in our bodies are different than those we had a year ago? I’m thinking that maybe once enough of yours get swapped out with ones from 1995, the glitch will go away. But that’s just a guess.”

“Yeah, fascinating. I dunno… I thought you had come up with something a little more, uh, scientific than an underwear shield. Kind of disappointing.”

“Come on, I think it was a pretty creative solution.”

“So…” Jace began looking through the guide again. “You think all these shows you highlighted are the greatest things ever, made you who you are, and you’ve probably memorized every episode. Maybe see all the characters as your close friends.”

Wes laughed. “Didn’t you learn anything from the movie? They’re just television shows, kiddo. I don’t put them on a pedestal. Some of them aren’t even that great. But others are classics, sure. And they were our primary source of entertainment. I mean, we liked video games, yeah, but we couldn’t play them online yet, and we all had different consoles. But TV is a universal language amidst kid lore. It’s one way we connected.”

“Okay. And what are some of your favorites? What should I watch the most?”

“Again, I’ll let you decide which ones grab you the most. And I try not to play favorites. But I can tell you what I remember watching the most often. All from memory. I’m not trying to impress you, but it’s a pretty long list…”

“I don’t really care that much.”

Insulted, Wes snorted and then scoffed, “For that, I’ll sound them off anyway. So, uh… where to start? I have a lot of shows to talk about.”

“We both know you’re going to talk about Nickelodeon first…”

“Okay. I’ll talk about Nick shows first. The central pillar of entertainment in kiddom. At least if you had cable. You know, the channel didn’t have its own shows when it was first created. Wasn’t until ’91 or ’92 that the original three Nicktoons came around. There was Ren & Stimpy, which was the gross out one that really helped define the channel’s early culture and would probably never be made now. A dog and cat go on misadventures, and the show harkened back to the cartoons of the 50s. A lot of parents were probably put off by its more adult humor, but my mom was cool with it.

“Then there’s Doug. Uh, it was a show that you watched because it was on. Every now and then it broke out of mediocrity, but by the time you’ve seen every episode, you wondered what you really learned. It’s about a kid, his intelligent dog, the girl he stalks and the bully who stalks him, and his colorful friends of somewhat indeterminate age and their everyday problems… And the main character goes into trances every episode, where his imagination blows his grievances and things that stress him way out of proportion. But it still had a place in my heart. Until Disney bought and ruined it.

“Then of course there’s the original Rugrats series. Talking babies, adventures, their perceptions of the world—but the adults are also interesting and have their own stories. Got so popular in reruns that they brought it back a few years after it originally ended. Had the longest run on the network until our friend SpongeBob came along. Had a few movies. Propelled the studio into making, like, four or five more shows. The writers show the smallest thing we take for granted and make it a big enigma for the tykes. The second and third seasons are the classic, prime stuff. And it even got rebooted in 2019.”

“Geez, Uncle… Do you have all of this written up or something?”

“Hey Arnold! is also really good, but it won’t be around for a few years. Oh, but Rocko’s Modern Life is. It’s about a wallaby and his animal friends and everyday objects and events trying to kill him—and it also got away with a lot of adult jokes. Um… I think the channel is still playing Tiny Toons, about the next generation of Looney Tunes characters going to school with the originals as their professors. Steven Spielberg was involved with it, and its successor, Animaniacs, a kind of new age variety cartoon that’s highly regarded, but probably more so for its Pinky and the Brain segment.

“Nick also had game shows, that basically started with Double Dare, which is all about getting messy, and later Wild and Crazy Kids, involving children your age doing bizarre outdoor activities. Legends of the Hidden Temple is the crux of them. After a bunch of trials whittle down teams, one of them gets to go through this giant booby-trapped filled obstacle course. Don’t hold your breath seeing someone win, though—that didn’t happen very often. I think they actually made a movie from it for some reason in 2016.

“And as far as live action shows go, you had Clarissa Explains it All, about a kind of snarky teenage girl who offers domestic life tips and is okay with a boy climbing up to her room on a ladder all the time. Pete and Pete, a brilliant little show about brothers who both have the same name, their weird parents, and their weird neighborhood. Are You Afraid of the Dark?, where kids tell scary stories at a campfire—and still managed to scare me sometimes when I was your age. You keeping up with me? I’ve only started.”

“What should I do, take notes? You’re going to keep talking no matter—”

“Didn’t watch much Hey Dude and Salute Your Shorts, but All That, a kid’s version of Saturday Night Live, was required viewing. Subsequently, one of its actors went onto co-host Kenan and Kel and later joined, basically forever, SNL itself.”

“Are we done with Nick yet? I had no idea they used to have so much variety…”

“There are still a few others I can talk about, and I haven’t even touched on Nick Jr., but, yeah, I’ll move on. So, there were a lot of other cartoons, on the other channels, but you had to know where to look. Lucky for you, I did all of that in the guide. Disney took a bunch of their properties and turned them into shows starting in the late 80s.

“Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers, TaleSpin, and Ducktales gave existing characters their own new stories, while new characters sometimes came around, like the crime-fighting waterfowl in Darkwing Duck. In the late 90s, Disney started making more human-oriented cartoons, like Recess, which is about school and the playground and little local legends. But that isn’t around quite yet. Oh, but Goofy gets a son and Pete as a neighbor in the suburban slapstick Goof Troop series. And the channel has tons of other offerings.

“Saturday morning cartoons still exist, for now, and there are kid shows on ABC in the afternoon, Fox has Fox Kids, and a channel called The WB has a youth block as well. Honestly, they were all secondary to me, so I don’t really remember what’s on what, but Batman: The Animated Series is usually seen as the Batman show, you know, if you like Batman. Or there’s the anti-super hero, The Tick. Or a whole bunch of demonic ones, in Gargoyles. And Eek! The Cat exists. I didn’t really watch that one…”

“Are you about done? I’m not even taking any of this in.”

“Feel free to watch Beavis and Butthead on MTV. I won’t tell your mom. Show’s a cultural hallmark. It even brought Daria and King of the Hill into existence later on.” Wes began to fall into another nostalgic trance. “And Simpsons is only in its, like, sixth season, and in its prime. Can you believe they’re still making new episodes? I know your mom still watches it. Ah, hm… I guess I’ll also just mention ReBoot, the first CGI television show. Normally not a big fan of those, but I make an exception with it. It’s about characters that live inside the computer world and have to beat human users at games.

“Anyway, enough cartoons. They were my bread and butter, but there were some live action and early ‘reality’ shows I watched, too. Like Rescue 911, where William Shatner narrates stories where, well, people call 911 and get saved. And Unsolved Mysteries—which should only be watched at night. The unforgettable theme song and Robert Stack’s voice are a perfect mix, and everything is scary, whether the mystery in question is paranormal or a disappearance. Both shows had top quality reenactments.”

“Uncle Wes…”

“You got a couple of Star Trek shows if you want some sci-fi, and Next Generation even has a character named after me,” he joked. “If you want more paranormal, weird stuff, try X-Files. Twin Peaks might still be airing reruns, too—but you’re kinda too young for it since it’s about murders, possessions, otherworldly beings, drugs, human vice… But Ghostwriter has some good mysteries, so you can watch that instead. A ghost who really likes words helps a group of hip urban kids solve them. If you want to be educated in science, watch some Bill Nye the Science Guy. Saved by the Bell is culturally important, and I think its sequel show is playing now. But I never liked it. And high school was nothing like it for me. And you should definitely see a couple episodes of Seinfeld.”

“Wesley, enough already! Everyone’s really impressed. But you can stop now.”

“Okay, okay,” he huffed. “I think my recollection train has derailed, anyway. But if you want to watch reruns from the 80s when there’s nothing else on, you can do that, too. Some of them stayed on for quite a while. Let’s see if I could name a few…”

“Please! Don’t. Just… let me check them out for myself. I can watch TV all day. I mean, I’d rather be playing video games, but television is a close second.”

“Yeah. Okay. You know… I just think there’s something almost profound about TV shows, or movies, or games. It’s great how people can come together and form a working family. And then they all go their separate ways when it’s over. But they leave something eternal behind, and their growth continues with other projects.”

“You’re really overblowing stuff, man.”

“Heh, maybe. I dunno. I’m, uh, my brain’s fried now. Welp. I’m going to go.” Wes patted Jace on the head. “But I’ll be home, er, back for lunch and dinner. Come up with some questions, or, um, observations. I can talk about episodes all day. Have fun with your underwear remote. And don’t mute the commercials! Not until you’ve seen them at least once. They’re culturally important, too. Call me if your glitch screws you up and maybe I can figure something else out. And don’t watch anything I wouldn’t!”

Jace rolled his eyes, and felt relief once Wes had left. He fell back into bed and got ready to go back to sleep, but instead eyed the TV guide to see what was on. His uncle had left five suggestions alone for the early time slot alone, and though he was a little ashamed to admit it, a few of the choices did pique his interest.