It wasn’t long after Hazel and him went back to where the tents set up that the rest of their small group joined them. Mary and Padriac were laughing, making jokes that Varian could hear.
If there were anyone in the world that were the perfect pair, it was Mary and Padriac. They were too alike, sometimes finishing each others sentences, and shared the same thoughts. Varian couldn’t recall a time when they disagreed or got into fights. If they didn’t get into an argument, it was usually resolved by one of them making a joke and then they’d soon forget what they were arguing about.
Mary was what Varian would describe as a pixie. She had short black hair and dressed like she was a starring in a coming-of-age nineties movie. She even had a black choker she never took off.
Padriac on the other hand, had wavy dirty blond hair, and green eyes. He was always wearing a hoodie and shorts. He mentioned at one time that he didn’t like wearing pants because his legs were always hot. Varian didn’t understand it, but Padriac was a hard person to understand.
He was loud and jumping around from person to person like a puppy. Kacey was the complete opposite. He was dark and brooding.
A lot of people were surprised when they found out that Varian was friends with all of them. Hazel hadn’t been surprised because she had been a classmate of theirs since kindergarten. Perhaps she’d gotten used to how weird the four of them were.
But by what had happened today, Varian thought that maybe that wasn’t completely true.
Something had gotten to her. And he didn’t think it was just because Mary had convinced her to agree to go on this camping trip.
Varian would’ve said to her that he wouldn’t have gone if she asked. Though, he that would’ve been a lie. He liked spending time with his friends. They hadn’t been doing a lot of it since he and Hazel had started dating. He’d seen the way they all had become distant. He didn’t want them to start not being friends just because he was dating someone.
And he didn’t want to break up with Hazel. It was too soon to say he loved her, but he felt that they had something good going on. He didn’t want to ruin that.
Mary and Padriac tossed the twigs they’d gather into the circle of rocks that Hazel and Varian had set up before. Kacey was lounging in one of the fold-up chairs they’d brought with them.
He was chewing on a piece of grass, eyes wandering from each of them. He always had this kind of studying look on his face. Varian had been noticing it more and more these last couple of weeks.
Kacey and him weren’t the closest out of the friends. In actuality, he was Padriac’s best friend, someone that just came with the package. That didn’t mean that Varian disliked him. They got along.
Hazel had described it best before on one of the nights she snuck into his bedroom and slept in his bed.
“He looks at you as if he’s watching for the moment you’re defenseless. Like he’s hunting an animal.”
Varian knew that when she said “you” she meant anyone he looked at, but Varian’s body reacted as if she knew that Kacey was studying him like an art exhibit.
Kacey was odd. It wasn’t anything more than that. Peculiar. And that was fine.
“Fuck. Finally. I was freezing my ass off,” Hazel said while sitting down in her pink chair. She pulled up as close as she could, still out of range if the fire got too hot.
Mary crouched in front of the makeshift pit. She doused it with fire starter and then threw in a match. The flames caught a lot quicker than Varian was expecting.
Without thinking, he grabbed Mary’s arms and yanked her away. She crashed into his chest.
He let go of her as if she’d burned him. “Sorry.”
His brows furrowed.
She gave a little shrug. “I probably should have thought that one threw. Thanks for saving my eyebrows.”
She gave him a wink.
Varian smiled, but it soon fell away when he saw Hazel watching them from the background.
“Sure. No problem.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants.
He didn’t look at Hazel as he sat beside her. She didn’t look at him either.
He could feel the rift between them getting bigger. He didn’t want that to happen. But he didn’t know what to do to make her happy anymore. In the beginning, it had been so easy to get lost in one another. That was when he started ignoring his friends. He never seemed to get the combination right.
The fire chased out only some of the cold. The sun was setting. It wasn’t a brilliant red and pink hue like he saw in the movies. It was a grayish mixture of green and blue. He watched it disappear behind the trees. The loneliness he felt was more prominent.
Even though he was surrounded by people that he loved and he knew loved him, he felt like he was missing something. Or that they didn’t connect with him on the level that he wanted them to.
It was irrational. It was stupid of him. He had seemingly everything and yet he had the audacity to think that he needed more. He craved it so much that it scared him.
He feared that he wouldn’t be happy until he got what he wanted. And he didn’t know what he wanted. It was something he couldn’t describe or picture. It was just a feeling in his chest.
Darkness fell upon the group.
Hazel and Mary were looking at photos that they’d taken before the trip together. Padriac and Kacey were arm wrestling.
It seemed perfect. It should have been perfect.
But Varian knew that it wasn’t.
***
It began to rain halfway through cooking dinner.
Varian was roasting a hot-dog on a stick when the first droplets hit his cheek. He tilted his head toward the night sky. There were only large gray clouds. Nothing else. The downpour was a minute later.
Mary let out a shriek. “Why does it have to rain right now?”
She ran toward the first tent.
“Come on, Mary! Are you really scared of a little rain?” Kacey chased after her. Mary shrieked again as Kacey pounced on her. They both slammed into the tent and fell onto the sleeping bags.
Padriac held up his windbreaker as he made his way to where Mary and Kacey were.
Varian stayed where he was. He let the rain melt his clothes into his skin. It was freezing. His teeth began to chatter, but he was rooted to this spot.
The feeling in his fingers were gone. The fire was no more. It was ash, mud, and smoke. He smelled the burnt wood. It filled his lungs, coating every inch of them. He kept breathing it in.
“Varian?”
He dropped the now ruined hot-dog into the ash mixed mud. He turned around where he’d been sitting in front of the fire.
Hazel was looking at him from the other tent. Her brows were furrowed in worry.
He cleared his throat and stood up. He kept his head down as he made his way to the tent. She didn’t ask as he went inside. She just made room for him. Once they were sitting down, she zipped them in.
The warmth from the small battery operated heater was enough to make the chattering stop. The coldness in his fingers and toes lessened, but the coldness in his bones and at the center of his chest was still there.
“You’re soaking wet,” she murmured.
He looked down at himself. She was right. He already knew that. Yet, when she pointed it out, it seemed to make the reality of it more true.
He slipped his jacket off. It was a slopping mess. He threw it to the end of the tent. His shirt had become a second skin on him.
Hazel pulled on the bottom of his shirt. She helped him take it off and threw it with his jacket. It made a slop sound as it landed in a pile.
She was kneeling over his lap. Shirtless and wet. She straddled his hips.
“Hazel…” Her name fell from his lips like she was pulling it out herself. She gazed down at him with a blank expression.
She didn’t look like herself.
“Promise me.”
He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Promise what?”
Her long hair framed his face as she looked down at him. It was a dark curtain that cut him off from the dreary outside world. He could breathe better when it was like this. When he was trapped, it made the anxiety not so bad.
Hazel closed her eyes. Her forehead touched his. “Tell me you’re not cheating. Please, Varian. I can’t handle it if you are.”
“What?”
He frantically shook his head. He grabbed onto her waist as if he was going to fall down just by the mere idea of him betraying her trust.
“Never. Not in a million years. What made you think that I’m—“
He understood the look she’d given him and Mary earlier.
“We aren’t. Me and Mary—there isn’t anything going on. Isn’t and never will.”
They were friends. Neither of them ever thought of each other like that. He didn’t understand why Hazel would ever the idea.
It was Hazel’s turn to shy away. She dipped her chin, cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink. Varian couldn’t help it when he touched her face. He felt something. He was sure it was love.
He hoped it was because he really didn’t know what else to call it.
His thumbs pressed into the hollowness of her cheeks. Her red lips glistened. She licked them once more, leaving a thicker sheen to them.
“Good.”
She kissed him. With the full force of her body, she kissed him like she was starving for air. He went along for the ride, hands roaming her body like he was searching for the missing piece of him.
He was. He’d been missing a piece of him since forever. He still hadn’t found it.
Hazel moaned as she writhed on top of him. She stripped from her shirt. Her white lacy braw stood out from all the blues and greens in the tint. It was too dark to see much, but Varian knew Hazel’s body in and out it seemed. He knew it better than he knew his.
They kissed, hot and sloppily. They were chasing something that wasn’t there. The heat in the tent made Varian’s wet pants even more unbearable. With one hand, he tried to strip them off. He only got halfway when Hazel stuck her hand in his pants.
He let her take the lead. He sort of liked it that way. She needed to know that he was here for her.
Varian was loss in her demanding kisses when he felt the cold shiver run up his spine again.
His eyes opened. They adjusted to the dark tent.
Kacey was staring at them.
His dark heated gaze shocked Varian. He jolted, Hazel’s hand tightening on his dick. She kissed his now motionless lips. She was still loss in the heat of the moment.
The words to tell Kacey to get out were on the tip of Varian’s tongue. He wanted to say them, but he was shocked still.
A sick thrill shot through him. He got harder as Kacey’s eyes looked over their joined bodies.
Hazel pulled back. “Varian?”
She looked over her shoulder.
“What the fuck!” She threw her shirt at Kacey. “Get the hell out pervert!”
Kacey threw the shirt back at her.
“Maybe you two should’ve picked a more private place to fuck. Weirdos.” He laughed as he closed the tent’s flap. “Varian and Hazel are fucking!”
“Shut up you freak!” Hazel threw her shirt on and raced out the tent.
Varian heard Kacey grunt and Hazel yelling. Hazel came back, wet from the rain, and huffing with anger.
“I don’t know how you can be friends with them. They’re all so annoying.”
Varian didn’t want to point out that her friends were annoying too. His friends were just annoyingly goofy. Her friends were annoyingly snotty.
“They’re good people. I like hanging around them.”
She snorted. “I don’t see why. I really don’t. Kacey’s a fucking creep.”
Varian was lost for words. He really couldn’t say anything after he caught Kacey watching them. It wasn’t like that though. Right? Maybe he’d just been as shocked as Varian had been.
He hadn’t tried to get Kacey to look away either. He just let him watch them like it wasn’t a problem. He was the boyfriend. He should have been weirded out by it as well. The chills were one thing, but the gut clenching disgust he thought he should feel wasn’t there.
They were both silent as they got dressed into dry clothes. He shoved his soaked ones into a spare bag and set it in the corner.
Mary poked her head in.
“Hey, love birds. You clean up after yourselves?”
“Fuck off.” Hazel flopped down on her sleeping bag.
“Just asking. I’m tired and I don’t want to be sleeping in someone’s dried jazz.”
Varian’s cheeks were flushed. “Goodnight.”
He gave Hazel a chaste kiss and a small wave to Mary as he got out of the tent. It was pitch dark now, but it wasn’t raining anymore. He was shivering in his thin pajamas as he got into the other tent.
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