CHAPTER 3: SELF LOVER

The one who becomes

He had these sad eyes, as if he were about to cry. His really dark hair was shaved on both sides. He was in a white shirt and a dark pair of trousers. Kim’s face was empty , it did not show any emotion. He got on his feet and walked to The other who was standing at the entrance to the bathroom. Kim’s face was inches away from his. His eyes moved about his face, studying it.

They were in that position for some time, in silence, except for the sound of dripping water in the bathroom. He noticed that the other wasn’t an exact copy of him. The other seemed more refined, Kim actually felt that the other looked better than him. Kim then turned around and got back onto the bed, facing the wall. The other walked slowly to the desk in Kim’s room and sat on the table, leaning his back against the wall.

Kim turned his head to face the ceiling and broke the silence. ‘Huyo ni nani? ...mwenye amecall’. The other was quiet for some time before answering, ‘Dem wa class yenu, sidhani ushawahi ongea na yeye before.’ Kim did not say anything. It felt odd. The other had his voice but his words felt foreign to Kim, it was like a mere imitation of him.

‘Nini hiyo anaongea kuhusu?..hiyo…kazi.’ ‘Assignment’ The other answered. Kim smiled but suddenly stopped when he saw the other’s straight face. ‘Msee sijakuwa class kutoka…sijui lini,ata sijui nini wanasoma sahi.’ Kim said and then turned his head to face him while still on the bed.

‘Weh usijali, patana na yeye tu,….anza kusafisha rada.’ The other said to him while remaining in his calm state. ‘Ata nikiweza anza sahi siwezi make,hii place ni chafu man,’ Kim protested. The other looked at him and then got up from the desk and walked to the bed. ‘Ebu hiyo phone’. He took the phone and made a call and the moment the call was received, his face lightened up. ‘Oh hey, there’s been a….drainage problem in the building where I stay, my apartment is all flooded .Can we maybe do the discussion at your place, if..…it’s…okay with you’ the other spoke confidently. Kim just watched him. He couldn’t see himself in him. The other was a completely different person, a better version of him, Kim thought. He envied him. He reminded Kim of how he was in the past, so confident and so sure.

Kim walked out of his apartment for the first time in a long time not to get weed or food but to meet a person. At first, the excessive light was unbearable but the more steps he took, the more he got used to it. He was slow, wondering if he was walking right, if his posture was right. He looked around, looked at the people walking past him, wondered what they thought of him. He kept looking down at his clothes and shoes, confirming if he had picked the right kind of clothes to put on, checking if there was something that had stuck onto his shoes without him noticing. He walked past the place where he first talked to HER two years ago. At first he thought of how much things had changed since then but then realized that some things hadn’t. This time, he wasn’t worried about a single person rejecting him but the entire world. He didn’t feel like he deserved to walk, to exist, among other people who had their lives together.

Kim got to the girl’s apartment building and waited outside. He didn’t know where the exact room was. Back at his apartment, before he left, The other just explained the location of the building. The plan was for Kim to get to the building and The other would take over from there. ‘Msee mimi ata sijui nini naenda kufanya huko,sikumbuki ata vitu tulisoma.’ Kim protested to which the other just said, ‘Weh niaminie’ and he found himself on the way to the apartment. He never, even for a second, questioned The other.

He had already waited for ten minutes outside the apartment, waiting for him to take over. He was anxious, he got into the building quick, for his relationship with HER made him develop a thing against waiting outside; she made him do it a lot. He didn’t know where he was going so he just went up the stairs , slowly, to give The other enough time to take over. Just as he got to the second set of stairs, past the first floor, he came across a girl going down the stairs from above. The girl stopped right ahead of him. ‘Oh Hey ! You’re here already, sorry, I was at my friends place on the other floor.’ She walked past him, downwards, Kim just stood there staring at her. ‘You ain’t coming?’ She asked while looking up at Kim. He was quiet. He followed her back to the first floor. She was beautiful, he thought, she had one of those kind-looking faces.

They had sat for over thirty minutes when Kim discovered that he had been using words that he himself didn’t even remember learning. It felt good, to have a conversation with another person, although it was just classwork. He consumed every drop of that feeling. In the last two weeks that, there, was him at his best. ‘I didn’t think there was this side of you,’ she said to Kim as she walked him out, ‘You are like so...chill and….normal in like…this…cool way.’ Kim just smiled at her. She later invited him for coffee to which Kim genuinely replied that he would think about it.

On his way back, all he thought of was how great he was back there. He was proud of himself. He had started feeling a little like his old self, his very old self. He got into his apartment and found The other lying on the bed, folded up and groaning as if he was in pain. When the other got aware of Kim’s arrival, he jumped out of the bed and then sat on it, as if he was okay already. ‘Msee,ulinicheza,uliniambia utatake over nikifika ’ Kim said to him. ‘Pole….kila kitu iko ndani yako, hiyo ndio ilikuwa the best way ya kukuonyesha hivo, na pia, siwezi take over kama hauko kejani,kwa kitanda,’ The other replied in a weak voice. ‘Lakini aje? sijakuwa nikienda class.’ ‘Hujawahi hata ata class moja,nimekuwa nikiziattend in your place.Unadhani nani amekuwa akinyoa mandevu zako?’ Kim touched his face and felt it, it was clean. Ever since he had started having facial hair, he hated it, it felt like he had been added yet another responsibility by maturity.

‘Huyo dem sini mangoso…waah…nilikuwa ninatranslate kila word kwa akili kabla sijaisema’ Kim said while behaving like an excited child. He placed his bag on the table and sat on the chair next to it. ‘Ukweli vile ulisema,dem ako fiti,..Lakini....amefanya nikumbuke nani…’. ‘kang…kang’ There was a knock at the door, Kim looked around him.The other had disappeared. He went to the door and opened it.

‘Ah mseeeeeh! ‘ Kim shouted at the guest at the door while hugging him tightly. The door swung completely open revealing it to be his older brother.He got in while looking around the apartment. ‘Nilidhani nimeskia ukiongea na mtu’ his brother said to which Kim replied that he was on a phone call. ‘Msee mbona keja yako inakaa kama dustbin? Kwani uliigeuza kuwa dumpsite ya building ndio ukuwe ukipewa dooh za taka taka?’ His brother said while laughing. ‘Msee ata hujamaliza dakika moja na ushanianza?...utaanaza sa kuniambia sijui….mwanaume anafaa kuwa na keja safi….sijui nini’ Kim asked while shutting the door. ‘Mwanaume anafaa kuwa na keja safi……lakini…..nilisare kutumia hiyo jina’ His brother replied. ‘Jina gani?’Kim asked. ‘Hiyo jina mwanaume..sikuizi si identify kama mwanume’ his brother replied. Kim was quiet for a moment, he just looked at him ‘Ati?’ he asked ‘sa weh ni nini basi kama wewe sio mwanume?’ Kim asked jokingly. ‘Mimi ni kenye mimi ni ’ his brother answered calmly while sitting on the table. ‘Hiyo jina...ni…limiting...na inakam na hizi expectations zenye zinakuforce into box Fulani,unajipata unajaribu kuwa kitu Fulani badala ya…. kukuwa tu.Hiyo jina haiinfluence decisions zenye ninamake. Mimi ni tu kenye niko na kenye nitakuwa,’ his brother added. Kim was quiet , everything his brother said felt out of nowhere but unexpectedly made a lot of sense to him.

‘Sa cheki,mimi nikona haraka,kuna place tunafaa kuwa,nilikuwa tu ata nabahatisha kama nitakupata, nilitaka kuona vile bro wangu mdogo anawezwa na life.’ He said while walking to the door. ‘Ni poa…ni poa kuona uko fiti msee .’ He turned and walked out. Kim offered to walk him out to the Bus stop but his brother had a car waiting outside. Kim walked back into his apartment, slowly, step by step. Something was on his mind. He threw himself on the bed and stared at the ceiling. That day was filled with an interesting sequence of events.

‘Sawa,tuanze sahi.’ The other said after reappearing at the desk in the apartment. Kim raised his head and looked at him. ‘Kuanza nini?’ he asked. ‘Kenye ilinileta huku.’ The other replied. ‘I thought vile nimepatana na huyo dem vitu zimerudi fiti,’ Kim protested. ‘Ni temporary….vile unafeel sahi…haitalast, juu, hatujasolve the real problem.’ The other replied in, what was now becoming constant, a weak voice. ‘Basi…the real problem ni nini?’ Kim asked. The other walked to the bed and said, ‘Sijui…ndio nataka tufind out.’

The other extended his arm slowly toward Kim, above him. Kim looked at it and then looked back at the ceiling. ‘I thought nishakuwa poa’ he said in a low tone. ‘Itatake sometime kabla umekuwa poa,hii ni tu …step ya kwanza….Simama’ the other said in an authoritative tone. Kim grabbed it and the other slowly and gently guided him up.

The other looked around and turned to Kim ‘I think this will do, face hii wall’ he said as he pointed to the clearest wall in the apartment, the wall opposite to the one with the desk. They both faced the wall, with The other standing behind Kim. ‘Sawa,kutoka hapa, nataka ufanye kila kitu yenye nakuambia vile nakuambia bila maswali , sawa?’ The other said with his mouth right at Kim’s ear. Kim nodded in agreement. ‘Sawa, funga macho…’ he ordered and Kim shut his eyes ‘..breathe in…breathe out…jaribu kupicture keja yote kwa akili yako,…kila wall….ceiling….floor…jaribu kuona kwenye kila kitu iko..kwenye meza iko…kitanda…kila kitu…kila dimension’ Kim shut his eyes in silence ‘…unaiona?’ Kim nodded. ‘Sa nataka uchague wall moja ,hii wall yenye tumeface nataka ufocus nayo,bila kupoteza the entire picture ya keja yote.....,unaicheki?’ Kim nodded again. ‘Ah fiti,sasa,hiyo wall,from corner to corner,hiyo surface yote,nataka uifeel..’ he picked Kim’s left hand, gently raised it and placed it on the wall and guided the arm slowly over the surface, ‘…feel hiyo surface…hiyo texture..sasa imagine ikiwa screen, kama ya TV ama ya phone, smooth, so dark that unaona reflections zetu kwa hiyo screen.’ The other then let go of Kim’s left arm and picked his right arm, raised it to form a right angle with Kim’s waist.He unclenched the fist, stretching out his palm. ‘Ukiwa na hiyo picha ya screen kwa akili nataka sa uimagine hii mkono ikiwa na remote ya kucontrol hiyo screen.’ After sometime, The other slowly let go of Kim’s left arm and walked back, sat on the desk on the other wall and just stared at Kim’s back.

The other smiled and walked to Kim and whispered in his ear, ‘Fungua macho’ and Kim did. He staggered a few steps back and moved his head around looking at the wall, his mouth was wide open. The entire wall had turned into a pitch black screen which created a replica of the room in its reflection. It was bigger than the screens in cinema halls, Kim thought. He looked at his left arm and there it was, a silver-colored remote control, with its edges smoothened to form an egg shape. It looked like something from the future. It had only four buttons. A huge red one at the top and below it, three buttons. One at the middle for play and pause, one on the left of the play button for reverse and the other on the right for forward. Kim pressed the huge red button and the whole room was filled with light. The entire wall lit up, it was a huge television screen. The other put on shades and walked closer, stood next Kim. Their bodies had been turned to shadows. Kim did not seem to be bothered by the intense light. The other grabbed the remote off Kim’s palm and started operating the screen.

The other was pressing the forward button on the remote. Images were moving fast on the screen, from right to left. ‘Alafu sasa?’ Kim asked but the question was only meant by silence. The screen immediately froze and there was an image on it with the play symbol at the middle. The other then passed the remote to Kim. Kim took it and looked at him. ‘Finya play’ The other said before walking back to the table on the other wall.

The clip began to play. It was from a person’s point of view, as if they were watching it through the person’s eyes. It wasn’t clear whose eyes it was or what exactly they were watching. ‘Ni memories zako….vitu zote ushawahi ona na macho zako kutoka uzaliwe’ Kim looked at The other wondering if he had heard right. At first he was excited, he could see things he couldn’t remember but then he realized what that really meant. Remembering everything was not something that he desired. ‘Watch!’ the other ordered.