Have you ever taken a moment to think about how hard it is to love someone?
Took a second to fully come to a realization of having a true deep affection towards another being. In our lives, we all have one person. Or multiple people we say we love but when we do it's like we can't truly fathom loving them. For example, say you have grown up in a family that was perfect in every little way. You care for everyone, simply because they were your family and there was no reason not to love them. Does that seem like love to you? I can definitely tell you in a broken family it is. Love you simply because you're in my household and as soon as you don't fit the guidelines of this family you're out. Love the family pedophile but not the homosexual cousin. I can guarantee that many people in this world have not experienced true love. To the people that have, I congratulate you.
Some of us wish loving someone was easier. Like feeling the same deep confounding passion for one's abuser for someone who will treat them with the utmost respect. Love is neither right nor bad. It's a balance of good karma and bad karma that clashes with each other.
Now imagine loving someone for 6 years and every year feels like another knife being stabbed in you because you know for a fact that you will never have the chance to love them. The thought of you is rarely ever in their mind. Multiple examples throughout the years are evidence that they aren't very fond of you. And multiple examples of people that they have had an interest in never come close to you. Obviously, I just described myself. It's an amazing feeling that seems never-ending. No matter what you do.
It's so sad that I lie awake sometimes wondering what the actual fuck is wrong with me. Constantly wondering…What's so bad about me? What do I gotta do to be noticeable? Why do I still feel this way for them, after everything? Then I feel more than shitty because I feel as if I'm obsessive and entitled which I try not to. It gets to the point where you feel so strongly, that you feel nothing at all. That's how I felt for a good chapter of my life.
Nothing…….at...all……
It's sad that all my actual joy and happiness come from one person. Even though I won't admit to that, not yet at least. Over the years I've come to terms with some things.
You will never be special in their life.
You aren't that mature.
You aren't attractive to anyone, especially them.
You haven't been the best friend over the years, even though in your mind you try to paint that picture.
You're not what they are looking for.
Don't forget, maybe if you were more quiet, smart, beautiful, and sensible in your youth maybe that could have helped…
I say coming to terms with myself as if I fully realize. But if we are being honest, coming to terms with anything is just being aware and recognizing your fault. As I "recognize" I wallow in self-pity and shame and hate for myself. Looking for a distraction…..girls.
See where maturity kicks in…
