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There's never been a moment of unshakable fear for me. Never once have I been ashamed of who I was. Just utter disappointment, constant disappointment. The bittersweet relationship I have with myself has always been in and out of balance as the years go by. I lay in this space of continuous unrest. Becoming more and more mentally unstable, as I try to be unfathomably vulnerable with another soul. Trying to piece together the shambles I call my life and personality. See some good in it and hoping someone doesn't foolishly gawk at it for once and recognizes and cherishes every little shattered piece of me.
Finally walking down the deep, dark, drafty, vague spaces of my mind. Vigorously trying to unseal the vault resting in my brain and heart.
In my adolescence, I'd never focused on others. I was always oblivious to everything that surrounded me. Not my intent just never could fully put my attention into anything. While my peers gazed in amazement at other kids running about. Puppeteering their future with dolls, and dreaming of cotton candy and wedding bells with other classmates. I was focused on storytelling.
Intoxicated on words, driven on sentences and pictures that would unveil beautiful stories. Art became the one thing I could rely on. No matter if it was ruff brush strokes, a hue, or a splash of paint. I could drift away easily in my work and feel a sense of pride in myself. I've always been rather odd to others. My hair was always a unique tint. Always switching it up and moving back and forth with the color wheel. To be completely honest I feel as if that's the only thing that really signifies me. The only thing that can identify me.My hair, ….my crown. I was a beanstalk that didn't understand clothing. I would throw on anything that I had and try to make something of it. Never feeling fully confident in my physical appearance. But never fully matter in my eyes. Also could not feel anything resembling a connection with anyone my age. Everyone felt basic and lifeless to me. No one matched my intensity and energy. So I spent my schooling hours with myself. Until…...until…..well until she came. I remember vividly a noisy classmate barked out loudly about a new kid joining our mix. Running around the schoolyard like a complete maniac, telling every kid about this new arrival. The kid finally came to me, and I remember being enraged by hearing this message be yelled across the blacktop over and over again like a broken record. Me being rather stubborn, I told the kid how much I didn't care about the new classmate with a stern voice. So wrong and stupid for uttering those words. Didn't, couldn't, even imagine the change this kid would bring to my life. Could never prepare me for the ongoing endless adventure I would take with her.
The next day, the same kid that was running around yesterday. Was now accompanied by the new kid. Both kids walked up to me and the loud kid smiled my way while introducing the new girl to me. I remember the sun bouncing off her dark complexion, little sparkles of light dazzled and danced on her skin. She had mini braids with bright purple highlights. The ends of her hair weren't sealed, loose hair hung freely and looked like feathers were at the end of her braids. She had a shy demeanor as she waved. A crooked but ever so gorgeous smile rested on her face. She wore a nerdy graphic-Tee, faded tan cargo shorts, and beat-up teal Converse. I'm not going to lie. I don't recall much after that. Just me saying "hi" rudely back. I honestly wasn't trying to be mean to her. I just could see that the school had already gotten to her. Picking at her like buzzards or vultures! I just didn't understand why everyone continuously needed to add recruits to their cults! I don't remember much after that. The next day though I walk over to my regular spot on the benches. The new girl happened to be there. I glanced over her shoulder to see a picture she was doodling. My eyes widened, I was impressed and overjoyed. She happened to be drawing a not-so-popular video game that I was completely obsessed with. I sat down beside her asking if that was from the video game I had in mind. She nodded and gave a big open mouth grin. I don't even remember the bell ringing. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity, chatting it up. The conversation left off with us both realizing that our birthdays were in a day of each other and me saying we should celebrate together. That day I went home, telling my mother about this girl who seemed cool.
Being a black, queer, young woman in America wasn't easy. In fact, it felt more like a full-time job than a lifestyle. Watch the main character "L" revisit repressed memories and hopefully let go of trauma that's been haunting her over the years. Watch the hopeless teen reignite a battle with herself. As she tries to grow from her past experiences. Such as: "friends", terrible relationships, family, mental health, and sexuality….and all while trying to get over her first love.
Being a black, queer, young woman in America wasn't easy. In fact, it felt more like a full-time job than a lifestyle. Watch the main character "L" revisit repressed memories and hopefully let go of trauma that's been haunting her over the years. Watch the hopeless teen reignite a battle with herself. As she tries to grow from her past experiences. Such as: "friends", terrible relationships, family, mental health, and sexuality….and all while trying to get over her first love.