I'm home now, and I was about to hop on the phone with my boyfriend. Before I processed though, I decided to check his blog and see if he posed any new art. As I skimmed through his new work I couldn't help but notice a lot of people were finally commenting on his art. As I looked through the comments I remembered that a year of us being together was coming up this weekend. That thought quickly went away when I realized that a couple of people kept commenting under his stuff. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just felt off. I felt as if this girl was flirting with him. So I messaged her friend to see what was going on.
@Lthenerd
Hey, I'm L, I'm one of @JayJay friends, does Jay have a girlfriend?! I've been trying to figure it out! 9:45 PM
@PuppyLover124
Hey! Girl, I'm tryna figure out my damn self! I'll add you to our group chat so you can decide! 9:47 PM
At that moment I felt a million things. I shouldn't say I felt anything, but I did question him and what was going on. More so, I questioned why this girl just went through with this. Not even a second later I got an invite to a group chat. I didn't accept, so he had no clue I was there. I watched as he sweet-talked this girl, and followed her every command…..
@JayJay
Baby u know ur the only one for me. With ur cute ass <3 9:55 PM
I laughed at all his shitty inconsistent grammarly incorrect basic ass text. I balled my fist up and dug my nail into my skin, taking a deep sigh. I picked up my phone and called my love! It rang for a second as I watched him text the girl on my computer.
"HEY BABY!" I could hear him smirking on the other side of the line.
"Heyyy! Sorry for calling you a little later than expected. I had to take care of some things! What have you been doing all day!?!"
"Um…..I've been...um...just working on my art you know how that goes!"
For a second I thought his hesitance was because he thought something was up. Maybe the tone of my voice gave it away that I was upset at him for something. No, I was wrong….I forgot his dumbass couldn't multi-task. He sent another heart to her in the chat and told more cheese and rather senseless pick-up lines.
@Lthenerd has joined the conversation
He was about to speak, just one sound arose from his mouth until he went silent.
@JayJay has left the conversation
He FaceTimed me as soon as he left the group chat.
"Bae, L, I'm sorry I-" he said in the most pathetic and whiny voice.
"Your teeth look yellow, you might wanna go fix that!"
I glared at him, I could tell he felt my gaze through the screen. He started to look around the room for a moment, then he made eye contact with me once more.
"I can honestly make this up! It ain't what it seems. We were just messin' around."
I could see very vividly that his sweat started to form droplets and we're starting to run down the sides of his face.
" "Messing around", well goodnight Jay."
For a week, he messaged me early morning till sundown. His sappy sad text flooded my notifications and made my crappy phone glitch. Voice clips were sent to me every other hour. I could tell by his voice he didn't really care and soon he knew he would get through to me. He didn't care about me, he just cared about what I gave him and what I could continue doing for him.
The sad part is……….
He got through to me.
Every day in the media, and in our personal lives we see how men take control of women for many things. It's never really questioned though. It's simply mind-blowing to me that we as a human race can't comprehend "treat others the way you would like to be treated". Injustice nowadays sounds more like a game than a social issue. We often look out for ourselves then harm one another which starts this endless cycle of trauma. Which now we like to call the mental health epidemic. I don't understand how someone can knowingly and be happy knowing that they caused others harm. The same applies when someone knows they caused someone harm but just doesn't care. We as a society love putting others down and not building others up. The reasoning behind that is we just don't know how to do better and we don't make an effort to do better.
@JayJay
Babe u up? 7:10 AM
I sat there for a moment, with every breath a sigh left my mouth. Foolishly enough I wonder why I shouldn't dump him. After all, you haven't been the best girlfriend. You have had someone else in mind other than him. You're the real cheater.
I looked down at my dimly lit phone. Drops of water splashed on my screen. I quickly touched my eyes and felt tears leaving them. Eyelashes quickly clumped and curled together resting under my eyelids causing my eyes to burn. The sting was felt all over my body. Every breath that came from my mouth dragged out. My head began to spin as thoughts of my sin clashed with it. Thoughts started to topple over each other until there was nothing more than pure screaming inside my head. No more droplets could leave my eyes, it was more than a stream of tears. Floods flew down my face, and snot hung freely out of my nose. I dug my nails into my arm out of anger. When I broke skin I lifted my head and looked to my right. I saw a couple of poorly developed polaroid pictures of Purple. They clang on the wall by a couple of flimsy pieces of dirty tape. From my glossy eyes, all that became clear was her beaming smile. Twinkled and shined so bright, my frown started to twitch and curve upwards. I lifted my hand, letting go of my arm and walking towards the picture.
She is more than beautiful
I thought to myself, I quickly placed my hands on my chest and sunk to my floor. With every cry, a sharp piercing feeling made its way to my lungs. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. Why I felt drawn to her. I hated everything about that feeling. I hated myself.
@Lthenerd
Yep! How are you Luv? 7:35 AM
I didn't let another tear make its way down my face. I sent Jay a text and started getting ready for my day. As I did I heard numerous notifications coming from my phone. I rushed into my dreadful school uniform and reached for my phone.
@JayJay
Girl, I missed u 7:45 AM
@JayJay
I miss u body~ 7:45 AM
@JayJay
Ur* 7:53 AM
@JayJay
Mind sending me sumthin…. 7:57 AM
My eyes started to sting once more and I couldn't tell if it was because of my breakdown or my dumbass boyfriend.
I walked into the school, everything felt different. Everyone who walked past me seemed dull. Herds of collared shirts and tan pants walked around aimlessly in the quad area. Everyone looked and felt uncomfortable in their skin. Then the realization hit me that it's always been like this.
If you think you know where this is going L, you certainly don't.
A couple of months have gone by now, I was still with Jay. What I mean by that is...I was still his girlfriend but that's about it. I rarely talked to him or wondered about his whereabouts. Of course, he would cheat on me on and off and act dumbfounded when I would find out. It's funny how a person can be so blatantly irresponsible and selfish but still have so much respect for themself. I never knew a teen boy could be so greedy and malignant. Just hearing or thinking about his name was enough to make my skin crawl and stress me out enough to cause my hair to fall out in tiny strands. It got so bad I had to shorten his name to "J" in my head. Even though it gave the same sound, only one letter gave him less meaning to me.
Throughout these weeks the pure disgustment stained my face every time he would ask me to do something for him. But me being inconsiderate to myself I did as he asked. I just wanted what I thought was affection when really it was just an expostulation of my body and mind. A few more weeks went by, I couldn't take the utter torment anymore.
I broke up with him…………………..
Thinking it would end the cause of my headaches.
That day, I cried. When I say I cried...I truly believe I sucked all the water out of the atmosphere and used it as my tears. My t-shirt, more than damp. My pillow too wet to rest my head on. I laid my head on the cold prickly mattress and started off into the pitch-black nothingness of my room. I sat there for a couple of hours, maybe longer. What did it matter? To me? To him? To anyone?