May 8, 2020

Friday 11:40 pm

I fucking messed up.

We were making entremets today and lo, and behold, I blanked out. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember how to make the joconde, the almond sponge cake, or any of the elements in the mousse entremet. I just stood there like an idiot while the big boss just yelled at me. I felt everyone’s curious and irritated stares but I just couldn’t do a single thing. All I remember thinking was: what the heck am I supposed to be doing…?

You know what it feels like to be in a foreign country not knowing the language or even the culture, right? You know, like when you first traveled to France to learn the culinary arts? Well, if you don’t remember, let me tell you… It’s a shitty experience.

Want to know why it’s shitty? Well! You feel like you’re in a constant loop of ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I think I know but I’m not sure’... Do you know how frustrating it is to try and figure out what you should be doing when you don’t even know the language? You just feel like an idiot, unable to say or do anything as you blankly stare at the person screaming their head off at you. 

Ha… Just know that it’s something you don’t want to experience ever again! If you can, make sure to avoid such a situation like this one, okay? It’ll save me (you) a ton of anxiety, believe me on this.

Man… I thought I had been doing so well. I’ve been taking my medication religiously, eating healthy meals (or, you know, eating some vegetables at least), memorizing the small tasks that I do on a daily basis in my head, reviewing my old notes…etc. And yet, here I am, blanking out on my own recipe! Shit. I couldn’t even panic earlier or come up with an excuse. I literally… My mind just went whoosh! Blank. Blank as a freaking chalkboard or whiteboard… is it whiteboard...? Anyways.

...What if they figured it out? Do they know something’s wrong with me, mentally? What do I do if they fire me? I love this job…! It’s the one and only passion I have in this shitty life of mine! I don’t want to lose it!

Fuck… I’m so screwed. I’m too scared to talk to the Executive Chef. I’m sure he’s going to chew me out for messing up today but what if he fires me on the spot? Argh…! Okay. I’m just going to stop writing now before I go insane with my insecurities. I seriously hope that he just thinks I’m burnt out or something… What a day, man… What a day.

I’ll leave another recette for you later. Look at it. I gotta go meet the big boss now. Wish me luck.

**NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.**