Before I walked into that classroom, I was feeling nervous again. It was a new semester which meant new classes that soon led to new faces. To top it all off, I had just changed my major from Health Science to Consumer Sciences and this was the first class in my so-called new major. The anxiety started stirring within me. What kind of people studied Consumer Sciences? What are they even doing this for? I tried to switch to Computer Science but the advisor suggested this so I can graduate on time and still add the minor if I wanted to. These students are pretty much my “people” now. I hope I can make some friends.
I opened the big wooden door and scanned the room. Being the introvert I am, I automatically divert my attention to the less occupied area. Amidst the baseball players with their stupid shoulder length hair and breakfast burritos in the corner mixed with third years talking about the internships they’ve got lined up for themselves, my eyes quickly shifted to the third middle seat on the second row in the back. This area was perfectly vacant and I could get settled until a bunch of the other students started flooding in...at least that’s what I thought. I paused as soon as my butt hit the chair. My body is suddenly still as I recognize a presence behind me in my peripheral. Following that feeling, my ears awaken at the furious sound of someone furiously typing on their MacBook. Judging by the silhouette I was able to make out from my side view, I recognize the form of a male. Which made me even more nervous.
Making the worst decision ever, I couldn’t help but turn for a quick second and am met with the view of a tall, buff, Asian boy. He was wearing a black shirt with Japanese letters on the top left corner, khaki shorts, and the black and white checkered vans that everyone suddenly started wearing again. Usually it would absolutely disgust me to see another individual conform to such a basic and overrated fashion trend, but he pulled it off...man, he really did.
*click click click* *clack clack clack* *cli-* the typing abruptly stops.
Apparently I forgot to turn back to my seat and to my surprise, most importantly embarrassment, his gaze soon met mine. The minute his eyes focused on me, everything else just froze. His pupils were like swords that caught me off guard as the stare pierced right through me.
Now I’m staring at his eyes through his glasses and we’re both filled with curiosity. It felt like we were quietly observing each other. This all lasted just one second but it sure as hell felt timeless.
The door slams, shifting our direction forward..
“Welcome to CSCI 226, this class will focus on analyzing the consumer behavior and usual frauds,” the professor states as if she is a flight attendant. That was all the information I needed to know, so I proceeded to drown out the rest of her way too nice tone and attempt to discreetly examine the people around me. I suddenly become alert at the sound of the word “group” followed by “projects” and “in-class assignments.” Hm, this could definitely be an ice breaker for us if we sit near each other again like we’re doing right now. I’m not surprised by the type of people in this class either. There’s the sorority girls next to me with their Greek letters on their laptops but are shopping on Forever 21 with the syllabus in a different tab. More obnoxious baseball players who are slouching in their desk like it’s a day spa. The rest are just other students like me, trying to get to the end of the class because we’re already so tired. Surrounded by all of these personalities and well, I don’t know, there’s just something about HIM. The pupils in my eyes automatically shrink into tunnel vision. Other notes taken: has a hydro flask on his desk so he must love to stay hydrated - also duh this boy works out (it definitely shows), so of course he has to have water. He also has a nice Hershel backpack with a black plaid design, and he looks really concentrated on his Mac typing up whatever the hell he’s working on so hard, granted it’s only the first session of the semester. Everyone else is already so out of it but I can see it now. The focus in his eyes...shit this dude is actually paying attention to what the teacher is saying. I admire his attentiveness.
On our way out, the class floods to the front of the room to sign our names for attendance. I just so happened to be behind him....before I wrote my name, I can’t help but snag a peek as soon as I got to the sheet of paper ...so, Mr. Four Eyes is Ryan. Looks like Tuesdays are the new spice to my class schedule.
11:00PM on a Monday night and I’m anxious. I’m going to see that guy again tomorrow. Good thing the class is at 11AM and it is my first class of the day. I wonder if he notices me the same way I notice him….Wait a second? What am I doing? I have a boyfriend! I should be texting him by now...a good night at least. But here I am, fantasizing over a guy I just saw in my first class, in a new semester, in a new major…? Doesn’t this feel wrong? But at the same time...I mean, it doesn’t hurt to try something new right? We did just have a fight...Oh man, it’s already 12:55am...I should be going to sleep...
My alarm wakes me up around 9:00AM and I’m filled with this energy that I can’t explain. I get out of bed faster than usual and hit the showers. Alright, outfit time. This is always the hardest part because I never want to look like I’m doing too much when it comes to dressing myself up for school. I try to go for that “effortless but still cute” kind of look. Emphasis on TRY.
I’ll never forget when a dance colleague of mine, Jerry, gave me this piece of advice regarding fashion and making friends during the new semester of classes. The first day I met him was in Nutrition class, I noticed he was wearing a dance shirt of the team I wanted to join, GFAM. I was definitely more outgoing back then because I did not hesitate to ask him if he was on the GFAM dance team. He said yes and we automatically became friends because of that damn t-shirt. “I always like to rep my dance gear the first few weeks of classes to see if anyone will notice or comment on it.” So today I was going to honor that. I always liked repping my dance clothes because it let people know I was a dancer without me having to dance for them. Forget the Greek heads and their “letters” I had a dance jacket I couldn’t wait to rep so hard. I wanted him to know that. Wow, and here I am claiming that I don’t want to be one of those people who do “the most.”
It has always been a habit of mine to show up to class fifteen minutes early because I hate being the person that shows up late and having the anxiety of people staring at me when they should be focusing on the lecture. No thanks. 10:45AM and I’m so nervous that for a second, I pull the door instead of pushing it, good thing no one was around for that. There are only about 7 people out of the 20 students in class so a majority of the seats are empty right now. For an introvert like myself, that’s a lovely sight to see, and I have time to prepare myself for the floodrush of students that come during the last 5 minutes. I am not surprised to see that my fellow “early arrival” students are the Consumer Affairs club girls who enthusiastically and annoyingly talk to the professor about how they want to promote their club before the class session starts. In addition to that, there’s the lovely team of football players with their breakfast burritos and yogurt parfaits like they’re in a dine-in theatre. To each their own I guess. The sweat builds up in my palms as soon as the clock reads 10:50AM. Time goes by way too damn fast and before I know it more students are rushing into the classroom at 10:57AM. My head automatically turns to the door each time it opens and still no four eyes. I can’t even say his name, it feels so weird because I don’t know him personally like that it’s too uncomfortable to even mention inside my head. The rustling of backpacks and the loud squeak of chairs start to become monotone and once 10:59AM hits, the sound of the wooden door is pushed open.
My head stays focused on my laptop as my eyes quickly shift to my peripheral. I hear a sigh of relief as if someone had made it just in time, sure enough it was him. Of all the seats available, he chooses the row right next to mine, specifically a seat behind so we’re diagonal from each other. Deja Vu, am I right? Based on all the other empty seats next to the sorority girls and rowdy athletes, he sat near me. Did the other students make him feel uncomfortable the way they made me want to gravitate towards a quieter section of the room? I am even more surprised after our staring contest encounter I thought he would assume I was creepy. Feeling his presence brought me a piece of mind and anxiety at the same time. The peacefulness that I felt like I had him in my corner but the angst of him having a view of me from behind. I can’t turn my head without making it obvious it’s to stare at him. He can see what’s on my laptop...judging by his “smart guy” demeanor, I can’t have Twitter or Instagram open, this will automatically deem me as the “social media obsessed” girl! Instead I play it safe and just have our school’s academic website, Blackboard open to navigate through the assignments and notes the teacher is going to discuss in the lecture. Lastly, how can I forget about my Ground Family jacket? I wore my hair in a high ponytail so you can see the team logo with the words “dance team” next to it on the back. Just trying to be subtle here... *wink wink*
“Good morning everyone! So we’re going to start class a little differently today with an in-class activity since there will be a lot of group projects, I want you guys to get to know each other since you will be working together a lot. Please partner up with someone sitting near you.” Shit. Shit. Shit. Before I could turn to look at him, the fourth year girl sitting next to me with extremely curly hair taps me on the shoulder. “Partners?” she says nicely. Ugh damn it! Of all the times I do not partner with anyone quickly it has to be this one time when I’m able to pair up with someone THAT FAST. “Sure!” I tell her coyly. I look around to see everyone’s seats close together and notice he is partnered up with a Hispanic buff guy with a large tattoo of a compass on his bicep. “Sup bro!” I hear in their direction. Based on that greeting, I’m going to safely assume they know each other from a previous class. Because if that's the case, I guess this other guy is one of his good friends because they continue talking as if they haven’t caught up in a long time. “I’m Valentina.” My partner pulls me from that trance and I introduce myself as well “Jess. Nice to meet you!” “Sorry, I’m a little tired, I had an 8AM before this and the gap felt pretty long. Can I get your number in case we have any questions about homework or group projects?” Valentina asks. This girl is cool. Feels pretty good to have secured a friend in the class. As I input my number in her phone, I hear laughing from behind me. My anxious self turns around to see who could possibly be finding a reason to make fun of me. To my surprise, it was just these third years laughing at a meme the teacher had on the screen to be funny. It was coming from the same direction where four eyes was sitting. As I pull my focus away from the girls I see those four eyes look straight at me. I quickly face the front of my seat but still feel the burning sensation at the back of my head from his intensity. Feeling bold I turn my head slightly again and he isn’t looking anymore. Before I could turn my body towards the front of the class my attention remained on the side to see what the professor was saying since her desk is there. My peripheral wanders and I get a glimpse of those eyes on me again. Geez. Both our partners are just minding their own business while we’re out here playing a game of Chicken with our eyes. Missed opportunity there. The only option would be to just talk to him after class but about what? That in-class activity was the shot we had for today and it was taken away. It would have been so much more natural that way so we could interact because we HAD to. I turn back to Valentina and we fill out the questions the professor assigned to us to get participation points for today’s class session. These questions are mostly personal opinions that ask us “How can you be a smart consumer?” “Have you been a victim of fraud?” “How do you want to make a living in the future?” Piece of cake. My body feels like untouched jello. As I write and answer these questions I can’t help but feel this aura that I’m being observed. You have this perfect view of me and I suddenly don’t know how to act like myself because I’m afraid you’ll think I’m weird or I don’t want to give off the wrong impression. If I can’t even muster up the courage to talk to you in the English language, I sure as hell have no idea how to have good body language.
“Alright, anyone want to share some of their answers?” The professor asks nimbly. One girl named Kristyn raises her hand and says “I want to make a living being a fashion designer. I have also been a victim of fraud through wrong labeling of foods.” Typical. Of course the sorority girl is into fashion and misread the label of the food she thought was “organic.” Not surprised there. Out of the corner of my eye I see four eyes talking to his friend and to my surprise, his hand raises. His friend looks at him like a proud mother as he was the one who encouraged him to speak. My attention automatically goes to him, but as soon as he starts talking, I shift my attention to the professor who gestures for him to speak. “Um, so I actually work for a record label in Santa Monica right now. Interscope records. They support a lot of artists like Kendrick Lamar, Billie Ellish, and Ella Mai.” He states apprehensively. The whole room is in a shared stunned silence as we absorb the fact that this guy casually stated he’s employed with this record label that supports all of these famous artists. An awkward pause follows that silence before the professor comments, “Wow! Do you plan to continue with that after graduation?” He responds assuredly with “Yeah, it pays $30 an hour. So I hope to continue doing more with it.” “Oh, so it’s hourly pay.” The professor responds apathetically. “Well, that’s still very cool!” She pretty much took the words right out of my head. I’m filled with so many questions. I could ask him about this...but it still seems so weird. His friend was clearly hyping him up to say something but for what? Was him staring at me just an automatic action because I’m right in front of him? Did I need to say something now to reveal a piece of myself like he did to the whole class? Ugh, why did I just become ten times more bashful?! I’m not usually like this and it’s really eating me up inside. The pressure to just say….something.
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