Chapter 7 

-Kirrill-

I don’t like not having my shirt on. I feel more vulnerable, more exposed. I especially don’t like being shirtless in this kind of situation - if I was shirtless because I was about to swim, I wouldn’t care as much. But like this, knowing that someone is inspecting me…

I don’t like it.

But I can deal with this if it makes the pain go away faster. I’m good at dealing with pain, but it still sucks and it hurts like a bitch, so. I’d prefer to not feel this way, if at all possible.

“Hm, I’ll need to give it a proper clean. What caused this?” Jojo asks, not glancing up and looking at my face. That’s good; I don’t want to have to make eye contact with anyone right now. Swallowing thickly, I continue to fiddle with my rings.

“A cigarette.”

Jojo nods, pulling back slightly and rummaging through his supplies. “I thought so. It’s likely that there may be ash residue still in there, which will aggravate the wound. This will hurt but bear with me,” he warns me, giving me a gentle smile. Nodding once, I let my eyes roam the room.

They land on Wesley. I didn’t even realise that he was still in the room with us, that he could see and hear all of this. He catches me looking at him, giving me a small smile of encouragement. Returning the expression half-heartedly, I close my eyes and think about random things whilst Jojo does whatever the hell it is that he needs to do.

“All done. Try not to get it too wet for a few days, I’ll give you something to put over it when you shower, or better yet just don’t for maybe two days,” Jojo tells me and I relish in the feeling of finally having my shirt back on, even if I’m so nervous that I start fumbling with the buttons as I try to do them up.

No one comments on it, thank fuck.

“Thank you,” I say quietly, glancing up and meeting Jojo’s eyes which are accompanied by a kind smile. “Of course, son. I hope you never have to experience something like this again,” he says sincerely, not breaking my gaze.

Smiling slightly, I nod. “I don’t think I will,” I say honestly. 

Nodding, Jojo stands up, taking off his latex gloves. “Good good. Now, my wife and other children will be home soon; have dinner with us.”

Fumbling around for a way to say ‘no thanks’, I meet Jojo’s eyes and realise that refusing him isn’t an option right now. So instead, I nod, thanking him quietly. 

I find it so uncomfortable thanking people; I’ve never received much help in my life.

Wesley’s younger sister walks into the living room once Jojo has gone again, but she avoids looking at me at all. “Dinner in ten minutes. Toby just got home.”

Wesley nods, standing up from the sofa and walking over to me once the girl has gone again. He claps his hands in front of him, swinging his arms back and forth as he slowly gets closer to me. “So…I’m guessing this whole thing is Kat’s fault?” He asks, gesturing to my now-treated cheek, lip and collarbone. 

Shaking my head, I shove my hands in my pockets. “It’s my own fault for not finding her and allowing her to run away in the first place.”

Wesley frowns, crossing his arms. “That’s hardly your fault. You know as well as I do that if she wants to go somewhere, she will. She actually came here last night, but I ended up kind of…kicking her out. I refuse to be friends with her anymore, when she’s acting like this.”

My eyes widen; Wesley is her best friend, she must be feeling pretty shit right now.

“Acting like what?” I ask after a moment, glancing over at Wesley. He scowls slightly, but I know that the expression isn’t directed at me. 

“Acting like she doesn’t fucking care. Like she’s the only person in the whole wide world, and like she’s the only one who matters. I’m sick and tired of her narcissism.” His expression softens slightly and Wesley stares at the floor.

“And it sucks because she’s- she was my best friend. Because she still means so much to me, and she clearly needs help but she- she thinks she’s the only person in the world, so she doesn’t even see all the help being offered her way,” he finishes quietly.

Staying silent for a moment, I think about my words carefully. “She took her mother leaving her really badly. She’s never been the same since then,” I say so quietly it practically comes out as a whisper.

And Kat doesn’t even know what happened to her mother. 

She doesn’t know, but I do. And the Boss knows that I know. That tiny piece of information is the only way he allowed me to leave. 

Miroslava Kozlov is the only reason I’m not rotting in a ditch right now.

“Doesn’t give her the right to act like a bitch though. I have no idea how Aria puts up with her,” Wesley says with a grimace. Smiling slightly, I shrug. “I doubt she’s like this with Aria. Or at least, I can only hope that she isn’t.”

With her girlfriend, I think that Ekaterina is far more human, far more vulnerable. She lets herself be weak around the one she loves.

I’ve always hoped that one day, I could do the same.

One day, when I meet someone who I am able to open up to…I hope that finally, I can let myself be vulnerable. 

I want to be able to be vulnerable without feeling weak.

—————

“What happened to your face?” Wesley’s younger brother, Toby, asks, breaking the awkward silence that has been following us all around since dinner started. Wesley makes a strange sound, coughing and choking on his food slightly, somehow being more surprised by the question than I am.

I was kind of expecting someone to ask though, so I guess I’m not really that surprised.

“I got punched,” I say honestly, referring to my lip. I’d rather not explain about my cheek, and I’ve made sure to button my shirt up further so that no one can see my collarbones. Toby nods, chewing on his pasta slowly.

“You look like you get in a lot of fights,” he says next. Wesley shoots him a look, to which Toby only shrugs. Lula, Wesley’s mother, slaps Toby’s shoulder lightly, frowning at her son. “Don’t be rude,” she scolds, but I don’t really mind. This kind of thing doesn’t actually bother me.

So I shrug, becoming more glad that my daisy chain tattoos cover the scars on my knuckles. I used to get into a lot of fights, and I used to hit people a lot. Now if I fight anyone, I’m much more likely to use a knife; they scare people more. Get them to fuck off without having to use as much energy or time.

Hopefully, that way, I don’t have to hurt them. Not that I really care if I do have to inflict a little pain though.

“I try to avoid confrontation if at all possible,” I say eventually, which is technically true. I just will also kick someone if need be. Hettie smiles at me for the first time, pointing to Wesley. “Just like Wes; he hates fights.”

Wesley shrugs, sitting back in his seat. “I’m not the biggest fan of violence.”

Something in my brain tries to connect the dots that are all laid out for me, but I don’t dwell on it for too long, pushing the comment aside.

“So did you also get the burns in a fight?”

I freeze, staring down at my glass of water. It was Hettie who had spoken; she must have overheard any of us talking earlier. We mentioned it kind of a lot whilst Jojo was treating me. Shaking my head, I look up and meet Hettie’s eyes. 

“I never said I was in a fight.”

That’s the truth. I wasn’t in a fight. I was getting punished; I just stood there and let the Boss do whatever the fuck he wanted, just like I always do. The first time I ever stood up to him was when I told him I was leaving, and threatened him.

Still can’t believe I actually did that, to be honest.

Hettie snaps her mouth shut, frowning slightly. “That’s actually more upsetting than if you’d just been in a fight. Are you…are you ok?” She asks softly, emotions I don’t recognise flowing through her eyes. 

Smiling slightly, I nod, releasing my death grip on my glass of water. “I’m fine, thanks. I’ve left now anyway.”

Wesley snaps his head to my direction, surprise all over his expression. “Seriously? I didn’t think you’d be able to…leave that easily I guess. How’d you manage that?”

Fiddling with my rings, I eventually meet Wesley’s eyes. “I told him I’d tell Kat some stuff he doesn’t want her to know. Underhanded but it did the trick.”

“You know Ekaterina?” Wesley’s older sister, Maddie I think it is, asks. Nodding, I sip my water contemplatively. “We grew up together. Her father took me in back when we still lived in Russia.”

I don’t normally talk to people about this, but not because it makes me super uncomfortable or anything - it’s just that I have no one to talk to about this. Kat already knew, and I wasn’t close to anyone else.

“Why were you in Russia?” Jojo asks, speaking up for the first time in a while. He seems to be on the quieter end of things, which makes sense because Toby and Hettie seem to talk quite a lot.

Raising an eyebrow, I smile slightly. “Because I’m…Russian? I lived there until I was around 10 years old and when the Kozlovs moved here, I came with them,” I explain. I had been ‘adopted’ by the Kozlovs two years prior, at that point. 

But I hadn’t really been adopted; I don’t even have a birth certificate or anything. My last name isn’t a family name, it’s just something my mother decided to give me before leaving me. 

I don’t have a passport, I’m not even in this country legally, because legally, I don’t even exist, and I never have.

I’m just a ghost.

“My apologies, I assumed you were maybe Portuguese, perhaps Spanish or something,” Jojo says with a gentle smile. Everyone in this family is so gentle. That’s so unfamiliar to me. 

“Really close actually, my dad was Brazilian but with like a quarter Portuguese or something,” I say, finding it uncharacteristically alright to talk about the man. Usually I avoid talking about my biological parents at all costs. 

Wesley suddenly glances over at me again, furrowing his eyebrows. “Hang on, if you left then presumably you aren’t able to live there anymore?”

Shrugging, I swallow my mouthful quickly. “A price I’m willing to pay.”

“You should stay here tonight,” Lula tells me resolutely, nodding firmly. “It’s already late and then you can sort out wherever you’re going to live tomorrow. I won’t take no for an answer,” she says, a warm smile on her face. 

These people are rather pushy, but I’ve never…been cared for like this before. 

It’s nice.