13//Julian - May 18, 1843,  Kansas  

I think God hates me. I missed Mingan. It had been two weeks and the only people I talked to were Eliza Jane, my parents and Henry. It was Lydia’s fault Mingan hated me, so I ignored her. I wasn’t the one who was mean to him so why did I have to suffer the consequences? God, I was furious. Ma had come over and told us not to speak to the Clancy kids with no reasoning whatsoever a while back so I couldn’t talk to them. When we started moving for the day, I decided to go to the river by myself, having left the creek behind some time ago. It had been a branch off from the Kansas River which we were now traveling along.  I walked along, barefoot, stepping on sharp rocks and pointed sticks. It hurt, but I didn’t mind the pain. It made me feel something. I knew there was something wrong with me for feeling like this but what else was I supposed to do? I had to feel better somehow. I walked and skipped lunch and walked more until I found a small wolf with a bullethole in its side. It was whimpering and next to me Scout barked and bared his teeth. I took a hold of his collar and made him sit. 

I slowly stepped forward to the injured animal and knelt by its side. It was small, definitely not full grown, but not a baby either. It looked at me wearily but let me take my shirt off and tie it around the animal's skinny torso. I got a slight bit of blood on my hands while tying it, but I managed to get it on top of the wound. I picked it up and it snarled slightly, but was too weak to fight back. Scout barked but trotted alongside me as I jogged to get the young wolf back to the wagon. I had to get it to Delores, she would know what to do. 

I reached the Simmons’s wagon and Delores was sitting inside with Mingan leaning his head on her shoulder. I felt a pang in my chest at the sight of him being cozy with her like he’d been with me. I bet he fancied her and she fancied him. I was crazy to have thought he would like me in that way. 

“Delores!” I shouted, causing Mingan and her to both turn their heads. “I need you to help him, he was shot,” I told her as I put the wolf in the back of the wagon, then hopped up myself. 

“Julian, I’m not sure what I can do, I’m not an animal nurse,” she told me softly, touching my shoulder. 

“Please… Please help him, I need to feel like I have a purpose right now and if I take care of him I do,”  I said with tears on the verge of dripping down my cheeks. Delores looked at me with worried eyes and knelt down to the small wolf. She took the shirt I had tied around it off and started cleaning it’s wound with a small bit of alcohol, whiskey, I think. The wolf growled but stayed still, knowing she was helping it. She finished cleaning it and wrapped it with a lot of bandage, using up almost an entire roll of them. 

She finished and scratched the wolf’s silky grey ears and smiled at me. The tears finally came, and she hugged me. Behind her I heard Mingan take in a sharp breath, probably because I was hugging his lover. I sighed and pulled out of her hug and she walked back to sit next to Mingan, whose hand she squeezed when she sat back down. 

“You… you two make a good couple,” I told them, looking at the ground so neither of them could see the next round of tears fall down my cheeks. Delores scoffed with a slight laugh almost immediately.

“We aren’t a couple, Julian, I’m his best friend since you and your sister were asses to him. You and your sister are terrible you know,” she said gruffly. 

“I… I’m sorry. I’m very sorry Mingan, I miss you, I want to spend time with you again,” I mumbled. 

“Julian, you were really mean to me. That hurts because I like you, and I want to be your friend, but I don’t know if I can be friends with someone so mean,” he said,  making eye contact. I suddenly let out a sob, making a move to get out of the wagon, lifting my wolf to come with me. 

“I’m sorry. I like you too. At least I have somebody now,” I mentioned, looking down at the wild animal in my arms. 

“Julian, don’t go. I’m sorry. It was your sister who told me off, not you. I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you so upset and I’m sorry I couldn’t help, and I would have talked to you but Lydia might kill me if she finds out we are talking right now. I’m sorry, Jules,” He poured out. 

“I don’t talk to Lydia anymore,” I said with a flat voice. “I get through the nights by myself. And it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t do anything,” I told him. He opened his mouth to speak but Delores chimed in. 

“I think you two should make up, I’m very sorry Mingan, but my parents have been mad at me for having a friend so young, you need to have Julian as your best friend again,” she told us. He looked at her then at me and stood up, walked to me, and hugged me. 

“I missed you,” I sobbed out, resting my forehead against his chest. He rubbed my bare back and went to take the wolf from me.

“Let’s get him back to my wagon,” I mumbled. He nodded and scooped it up, then jumped out of the moving wagon, Scout and I following. We walked up to the wagon where Papa and Lydia were at the driving bench and Eliza Jane, Huritt and Henry were in the back playing checkers. Mingan placed the wolf down and sat next to it, tugging me down next to him.  

“I missed you at night,” I mumbled against his chest. 

“Me too,” He said, combing his fingers through my hair like I had done to him the first day we met. Surprisingly, the others ignored the sleeping wolf and continued their game. Mingan and I stayed like that the rest of the day, until nightfall when we had to get up to eat. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was, having skipped lunch, and I ate like I had never seen food. I asked for scraps for Scout and the wolf and had a plate piled high. Mingan and I fed them and were about to sleep when Lydia came up into the wagon. 

“You can’t talk to him,” she said to me, pointing at Mingan. I ignored her, laying down across his lap, and looking up into his dark eyes. 

“I said you can’t talk to him,” she repeated. 

“I know, and I want to, so I am. It’s not like Ma told us not to talk to his family, only the Clancys. It’s not my fault you made enemies,” I said bluntly. She opened her mouth to respond, but instead walked away. 

That night, I slept with Mingan and Huritt in their wagon again, my wolf friend with me. I was lying up against the taller boy’s chest and he was combing his fingers through my hair. I had the feeling of kissing him again,  but I couldn’t. 

“Promise me you’ll wake me if you have a nightmare,” he pleaded. I nodded and lightly kissed his chest in a subtle way. If I didn’t tell him he would never know it was a kiss. Moments later I heard Huritt’s snores along with Mingan’s humming. 

“Can I touch your hair?”  I asked him, pushing my face away from his chest. He nodded and I immediately started running my fingers through the silky blackness. 

“I want to kiss you,” I mumbled all of a sudden. “I know it’s wrong for two boys to kiss but I don’t want to kiss a girl. I want to kiss you and I don’t care that you are a boy but you are probably going to hate me now and-” He cut me off by bringing his lips to mine, kissing me. He was kissing me. I let out a small moan and he pulled away. 

“I… please do it again,” I asked desperately. He smiled and agreed, this time making the kiss deeper. I opened my mouth like Mary Oleson had done when I kissed her, except that I think I was the girl in this situation. I definitely was, because I was smaller than him. I felt his warm tongue slide into my mouth and I gasped.
“I liked that,” he said when we pulled apart. 

“Me too,” I said softly against his lips. He gave me another small kiss on the forehead and I smiled up at him. 

“It’s about time,” said a voice behind us. We moved apart and sat up, seeing Eliza Jane standing there with her hands on her hips. “Ma and Mrs Millaray was talking about how long it would take for you two to realize you fancy each other,” she added. I could feel my face turn red and I slowly leaned back until I was resting on Mingan’s bare chest. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,” Eliza Jane said as she walked away with a smirk.