Morning comes too soon but I’m used to it. I’m definitely not an early bird but school starts at ten o’clock so I have to get up. To my annoyance, I find out that proper sleep didn’t help at all and my back hurts even more now.

I’ll have to ask one of my lovers to give me a massage as soon as possible and maybe find some stretching routine online. I can’t pay a professional masseur to do it; I’d probably go crazy to read thoughts of someone I’m not used to for an hour.

I quickly wash my face, look at myself in the mirror and sigh. I’m too skinny, Erik was right. Even my virtual avatar, that is really slim, has more meat on its digital bones. I’ve been making a New Year’s resolution to eat better each January but I’ve always failed. I’m just too busy.

I check my phone—an unread message from Erik: a pissed one. I start typing a response.

Erik (7:23)

Moron, you left again.

Ryuuto (8:45)

Sorry, but you know I’m like that.

Erik (8:50)         

I’ll lock the door next time.

Ryuuto (8:51)                

That sounds ominous. Please don’t.

Erik (8:51)                      

Seriously, can’t we have breakfast together?

Ryuuto (8:52)                

I don’t do breakfasts.

Erik (8:52)                      

You don’t do many things. What are you so afraid of?

What am I so afraid of? Well, people finding out that I’m a freak, for one.

I scratch my hurting back, upset. For someone who doesn’t have any extraordinary sensory powers, Erik sure is perceptive. I always have to be extra cautious around him which is part of the fun but at the same time it can be exhausting.

But Erik is special to me, I really like him. He thinks I treat him like any other of my lovers but that’s not true. I’ve known him for over a year now and I’ve never been seeing anyone for that long. I always leave when things start to get too emotional; when my lovers’ feelings start to drain me. Erik’s feelings don’t do that for some reason. Maybe I like him more than I realise.

My phone starts to ring. Talking about early birds…

“Send me a taxi, will you?” the old lady on the phone blurts at me.

Grandma. She looks annoyed as always when she has to call me because of something.

“Where to?” I ask and I’m trying to sound kind.

My sweet Gran is totally capable of calling her own taxi, she does send me the requested address via messenger right away, but she prefers I pay for it. Her philosophy is that she was taking care of me for fifteen years so I’d better start paying her back now that I’m independent. I have no problems doing her favours—she’s my only family after all—if only her attitude was better.

“Great, and I’ll send you my medical bill when I return from hospital,” she mumbles and ends the call abruptly.

I sigh. How long does she expect me to pay for any extra expense of hers? It always starts like this in autumn. Her mood gets really bad when weather worsens and she starts visiting various doctors, demanding that I pay for everything. I guess I’ll get her a spa retreat for Christmas again. It ends up being much cheaper and she treats me nicer after that. Or maybe I should send her to see a psychologist so that her bipolar disorder is finally diagnosed properly? New medicaments would really help her. If only she wasn’t so stubborn about it.

Her neighbours think she must be pure evil but she’s just miserable. One doesn’t have to be a telepath like me to know when a person feels deeply hurt. Gran has never gotten over the death of her daughter in Japan where she couldn’t reach her. She’s never forgiven the unknown man who took her daughter away so she decided to punish the child of such a man—me.

The Social Services are always trying to find any close living relative if parents untimely die and since they couldn’t trace by biological father, they entrusted me to my grandmother. If she refused, they wouldn’t give her any pension from the social system so she had to comply. Her coping mechanism was that she hated my guts with burning intensity. A tough situation for a 4-year-old who could literally feel all that hate telepathically.

Shit, school starts at ten! I quickly put on some clean pants, a hoodie with a logo from the classic game series Mass Effect and a black face mask.

I miraculously manage to find an empty seat on the train and yawn. Weird, I’m always aiming for at least four hours of sleep each day, more at the weekends, but lately I feel really tired no matter how long I sleep. Is my haemoglobin too low or something? I know next to nothing about biology. Maybe I really should just eat better.

What I really need right now is coffee so I stop by a local bakery that’s on the campus grounds. My head starts to slightly hurt which is strange. Sure, the train was pretty much full as every morning but the day is just beginning. I shouldn’t be overwhelmed so soon.

“Well, look who’s here for fucks sake,” a familiar voice suddenly calls to me. Turbulent emotions, not good ones.  

“P-Peter,” I’m startled when I turn around and recognise that person. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m actually studying here, my first semester,” he’s staring at me intensely. “You’ve never told me you’re a student at Charles University.”

“I don’t remember us having a proper conversation,” I answer accordingly. “What do you want?”

“Why so cold?” he smirks and leans towards me to whisper. “You were so hot for me last time.”

“Only because I was drunk,” I step back instinctively.

I’m usually very careful when choosing my lovers—I always check their true intentions—but that evening at the bar I was quite drunk which clouded my judgment. When I sobered up, I realised that behind the passion I experienced with him are much darker and unpleasant urges. So I ran away.

“Are you leaving again?” he grimaces and grabs my hand.

His intense emotions paralyse me for a few seconds so he manages to get me away from onlookers. To other people, we probably seem like a normal quarrelling couple.

“Let-me-go,” I hiss through my teeth but he’s much stronger than me.

I have no chance of winning this wrestling game. He pushes me towards the wall and forces a kiss. I struggle but there’s no use. A telepathic connection kicks in whether I want it or not.

His mind is even worse than I remember. It’s all jumbled, full of selfish intentions and narcissistic tendencies. He doesn’t like me, he just wants to wreck me as a revenge for dumping him.

I want to call for help, we’re not that far from other students, but he won’t let me take a breath for more than one second between forced kisses. He clutches my wrists and pushes his knee between my legs. His hand tries to undo my belt.

NO! I’m not delving into his ugly mind for a second longer. OUT! I WANT OUT! So I push… somehow… with my mind into his. And something breaks.

My brain explodes with pain and it’s as if an invisible wall falls down. I’ve never experienced anything so painful before and it blinds me for a moment. I can feel his emotions much stronger now and his thoughts are crystal clear to me. Like there’s no filter anymore.

I have no idea what happened but all of a sudden he lets me go and collapses to his knees. He’s gasping for breath, his eyes widened. I’m not waiting for him to recover and run.  

My head is now pulsing with a proper migraine and I see little stars all around me. The world is spinning, I stagger and must look drunk to people I pass. Their emotions are stronger than ever before which makes me nauseous. I hide in a nearby park and throw up behind the bushes.

Thankfully, I didn’t drop my backpack so I take out my water bottle and painkillers that I always carry with me, just in case. I gulp two at once. My body is shaking, I’m still in shock. I try a breathing exercise that usually works when I’m overwhelmed but it’s hard to calm my wildly beating heart in the worst phase of a panic attack.

There’s no way I’m in shape for classes and I’m not returning to campus while Peter can still be there. What the hell happened anyway? Did I give him some kind of telepathic shock? It was as if I forcibly entered his mind, not only silently ‘listened’ as always. Did he feel it? What if he did? What if he deduces that I’m a telepath? But… I guess nobody would believe him anyway.

Crap, my panic attack won’t get any better when considering such things. I hug my legs and, to distract myself, I look up to the sky. How I wish to have wings here! I’d just fly away and nobody would bother me anymore. I wouldn’t feel anyone if I was far enough from people on the ground. True silence also in the real world and the freedom of the sky I’ll never have.

My back suddenly tickles again as if to remind me that such fantasies are pure waste of time. I scratch it but the sensation refuses to go away. I scratch and scratch and eventually the tickling fades away but the areas under my shoulder-blades stay somehow warm and weirdly pulsating.  

Yes, I definitely play too much, I should cut back. My body is obviously confused because I spend too much time as my virtual avatar. There were cases of people who stopped differentiating between the real world and the virtual one. They basically went nuts. I bet it also started with something minor like tickling around non-existent limbs. What if I’m prone to psychological disorders after my Gran? Mom also had mood swings in the last stage of her tumour.

Spinning and shaking eventually gets better but my mind is still a mess. I actually know and occasionally practice some basic meditation techniques to clear my head but I’m too anxious for it right now. I need to rest in a mind I really like, that always helps. Erik’s face is the first one that pops up.

I hesitate. I’m seeing two more lovers and they’re fine but Erik… He’s the best fix. Can I bother him, though? Isn’t he on duty? His work is pretty irregular.

I dig out my phone.

Ryuuto (10:14)

Hi, I kind of changed my mind. You free? I mean… right now?

My hands are shaking when I’m waiting for him to respond. Fortunately, he does almost immediately. Thank God for Erik being so approachable and checking his phone without delay, unlike me.

Erik (10:17)

Who are you and what have you done with Ryuuto? Impostor! o_o

I nervously chew my lip. Yeah, that’s totally out of character for me.

Ryuuto (10:18)

Sorry, I know that I can be a jerk. So do you?

Erik (10:18)

Hmm… you’re in luck. ;)

Ryuuto (10:19)

Coming then…

Am I being selfish right now? I’ll seriously try to make it up for him later.