Chapter 3

I turn around quickly, “Oh no”

I didn’t mean to say that out loud. What does he want? Did I do something? Okay okay. I’ve got this. I can feel my heart beating faster. My ears are getting hot. I’m starting to shake. I feel a tear rolling down my cheek, dripping off the edge of my chin. I take a deep breath. He says something but I can't quite understand through the fog of my mind. I push the thoughts away and come back to reality.

“Connie! Are you okay?” he says as I realize that his hands are now on my shoulders. His hands are warm, even through the thickness of my sweater.

“I uh..” I brush his hands off my arms. “I’m fine!” I wipe the tears away with my sleeve and pull my backpack farther onto my shoulders. “I’m sorry.”  

“Connie, what’s wrong with you? I’ve been trying to get you to come to for ten minutes!” he yells with his hands in the air. Ten minutes? He can’t be serious. I couldn’t have been out for ten minutes. I haven’t been gone for that long since I started my new meds. I look up and into his eyes. They’re a beautiful golden hazel. I’ve always loved his eyes. They have so much depth compared to mine. Mine are just blue. 

“I’m sorry.” I wrap my arms around myself. I can feel myself slipping. “You should get back to Chad and Luke…” I turn away without giving him time to respond. I need to get home. Venus will need to talk to my therapist about this. I haven’t dissociated for that long in over a year. I think I may need to go up on my meds.

“No! We need to talk! You haven’t talked to me in forever! Everytime I try to smile at you or nod to you, you look away! It's like you're embarrassed to be seen interacting with me..” I turn to meet his eyes. They’re tearing up. No. This isn’t what I wanted. He should be happier when I’m not around. He shouldn’t be crying because I’m leaving. 

“No! I’m sorry that's not it at all! I thought your friends would make fun of you if I tried to be friends with you again.” My words echo in the empty classroom. “They tell me that I’m a loser all the time, and since you’re friends, I thought you probably felt the same. I didn’t want them to think that way about you too.” I can’t tell him the real reason I look away when we make eye contact. There’s no way that he’d accept me. The entire football team seems to hate the band, especially me. I do want to be friends, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell him my true feelings.

“They what?!” I can feel the anger in his voice throughout my body. It’s like an earthquake. Chill bumps start forming under my sweater. “Connie, you can’t be serious. Why didn’t you tell me this? You could've at least texted me.” Texted him? Alex said he changed his number six months ago. She said he was giving it to everyone in his classes. Doesn’t he know that he never gave me his new number? Ridiculous. I don’t want to be mad at him, but it’s like I’m getting mad without knowing I’m doing it.

“You realize that you never gave me your new number right? It’s been six months and you haven’t made an effort to give it to me! We live across from each other Nathan! Seriously! If you really wanted to talk to me you would’ve texted ME!” I scoff and turn around, done with the conversation. They’re his friends, he should know when they’re making fun of me. Everyone makes fun of me on the football team, he has to have heard them at some point. This isn't how I’d planned to become friends with him again. I wish this had gone differently. I’m tired of the bullshit. I can’t be here anymore.

I walk out the door leaving him behind in the classroom. So many thoughts running through my head and all I want to do is go home and cry. This couldn’t have gone any worse. I run down the hallway and out the door, I can hear Nathan yelling and running after me. I have to get home, this can’t be happening. Tears are streaming down my face faster than I can wipe them away, but I keep running. I finally get to my car and see Alex waiting next to her dark purple Vet, on the driverside of mine. I can’t believe this is happening. Alex sees him running up to the car crying. He’s almost caught up. I can’t get my keys out of my pocket, but before I can think, Alex is pushing me into her car and she’s getting in the driverseat. 

“Lock your car, now.” she tells me sternly. As she turns on the ignition, the car starts with a rumble. “I won’t let him get you sweet bun, calm down and breathe.” She pulls out of the parking space, and we’re off.