THE PAST

Juan leaned back against an enormous red brick pillar supporting the giant 59th Street Bridge above the East River. High above him cars were roaring along the road, but here, on the shore of the river, he could always find peace. This was the place where he had smoked his first joint, three years ago, just him and Mateo. Since then he had returned to this place every now and then; usually he came alone, but sometimes his brother would join. He hadn't shared this place with anyone else, not even with Emilio. He liked it that way, a place for him alone. Shrubs kept him from sight; only the people on the other side of the river could see him sitting here and they were too far away to recognize his face anyway.

Maybe he could take June to this place one day. How nice would it be to sit here with her, relaxing with him. Between his legs she would lean with her back against his chest and his arms around her waist: his chin resting on her shoulder, his cheek brushing her skin. Just enjoying the view with each other...

A warm glow spread through his stomach and he sighed softly.

But he would need a miracle first.

He took a long drag from his cigarette and leaned with his head against the wall, thinking back to this afternoon. Everything had gone so well... He had really believed they were taking steps forward. She had caressed his lip, she had leaned into him and he had wrapped an arm around her, he had told her that he had never liked a girl before her...

And then like the world's biggest idiot he had tripped over his own feet, dragging her along during his fall. Unbelievable. Mateo and Emilio hadn't even been around to ruin things for him this time, he had done it all by himself!

How he was going to fix this, he didn't know. He had seen the shame radiating from her face. Not that there was anything that she needed to be ashamed of; especially not from what he had seen. She didn't need to worry about the seize of her breasts; they actually had been larger than in his fantasies, and her nipple had been darker. He wished he could make the image of her breast disappear from his mind, he knew she hadn't want him to see it, but he couldn't control his thoughts and more often than not, she was on his mind.

With a cloud of smoke, he breathed out a deep sigh. He had already apologized to her; there was no point in doing it again. Besides, he felt that he hadn't said any words more often than sorry. Maybe he needed to let it go for a while, give her some space to get over her embarrassment. He would leave her alone for a few days, until the Jubilee Prom. Then he would ask her to dance with him.

. . .

Juan sat on the shore for at least an hour before he went home. He wasn't sure where he would go when he first left; back to his own house or to Emilio's since he didn't want to see his friend nor his brother. But in the end he chose to confront the latter; there was a big chance he wouldn't be at home anyway.

Unfortunately he was, Juan noticed as he walked up the drive and put the key in the hole, opening the door. A fierce argument drifted towards him. With a sigh he dropped down his backpack in the small hallway. Even before he reached the living room, he knew why his mother was berating his brother.

"What will the neighbours think when they see that car?! They will all think you stole it!"

Mateo was slumped down on the couch, just like when Juan had found him yesterday, blowing a cloud of smoke towards their mother. "They will gossip anyway." He dismissed.

"I want you to take it back!" She put her hands on her hips, her face was flaming red.

Juan muttered a greeting and went to walk straight to his room. However, when he walked past the couch, Mateo stopped him with his foot. Wait, his eyes ordered him.

With a sigh Juan dropped down on the armrest of the couch, while his brother fuelled the fire even more. Juan stared at the ground. Their fights were nothing new, but he could never get used to them.

"I'm taking Juan to the pizzeria. Got some makin' up to do."

A little dazed Juan looked up after hearing his name.

"To a pizzeria? I just finished cooking!" Furiously, his mother pointed to the counter top.

The sight of all the dirty dishes caused Juan's fingers to itch; he hated to see such a mess and the knowledge that his food had been prepared on the same surface, ruined his appetite.

"Just freeze it. Just like we do whenever we cook and you don't show up."

After those words, Mateo left the room. A little defeated Juan followed him. He wasn't in the mood to get into the Chevy, but he still forced himself to do it.

Staring out of the window, he waited until they drove away. He didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry," Mateo said after a long while, realizing Juan wasn't about to talk before he did. "About this afternoon. I was just pissed that a bitch had rejected you."

"You humiliated me more than she ever could have."

His brother sighed, leaning with his elbow on the edge of the window, driving along the street. "I just wanted to have a li'l fun, put her in her place. She was an easy victim."

Juan gritted his teeth. "Sometimes you really are a dick."

Mateo snorted. "It's just a girl."

So many excuses.

"To me she's not just a girl." He dropped his eyes. "I love her."

His brother ignored the traffic light that was turning green, and the honking behind them. "You what?! You love her? What are you, a bitch? Don't say stupid shit like that man. You want some advice? Never tell a bitch you love her. Good chance she'll run away anyway, nobody wants to hear something so cheesy before they reach their thirties."

"Just drive," Juan said with a grim face. The advice his brother had given him, hadn't done anything good up to now. "You ain't such a great example yourself, huh? You've never even had a girlfriend."

Mateo laughed, even though it sounded anything but amused. "Because I just want to fuck those whores. What else should I do with them? You don't need a girlfriend to do that. And why the hell would you limit yourself to just one bitch."

Juan shrugged his shoulders and looked outside. Mateo had started the car again. "I only want her."

. . .

Juan didn't say much during the rest of the ride, and he kept his silence when they had bought themselves pizza. He just waited until his brother was ready to be done with this little trip. His angry frown showed Juan that their previous conversation was still bothering him.

But as always happened with Mateo, it was like his mood changed in the blink of an eye and he swung an arm around Juan's shoulder as they left the pizzeria. "My innocent, sweet little brother of mine," he said, shaking his head. "Being in love for the very first time." He pulled Juan's head closer and kissed his head. "Then lets win her heart, bro. I'll be a good brother."

A little awkwardly Juan scratched his neck. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Mateo drove until they had reached a remote industrial park, where he then pulled his car at the side of the road.

"Get out."

Suspiciously, Juan looked around. "The hell is this?"

Mateo opened his own door and left the car without giving an explanation. Rolling his eyes, Juan did the same and walked around the car. Before the fender, Mateo had stopped. He held out his hand, between his fingers dangled the keys to the car.

"Take em, I'ma teach you how to drive."

Juan's eyes widened, his anger instantly forgotten. "Seriously?" he asked overwhelmed, feeling so enthusiastic that his voice cracked.

"Seriously." Mateo showed him a real smile. "Soon, you gotta show that girl of yours around in style, right?" He winked and hugged Juan with one arm. "You can always use this beauty."