I awaken to quiet darkness, alone. I expect to see the flicker of a low burning candle or hear the scratch of a quill working against parchment, but I don’t. I search for my black haired love, but she’s not there. I am in my room, alone.

Is this what I have to look forward to? Saoirse and I slowly drifting apart until we are no more than princess and advisor? Was yesterday the very last time I would wake up in her bed? It’s a ridiculous thought. Nothing has changed. Saoirse merely said she was tired after last night’s party, suggesting she didn’t want to have sex with me. That’s fine, I was still more than satisfied by the morning’s play, but… couldn’t I have just slept by her side? Without the sex?

We fall asleep together after sex so frequently, sometimes I forget we aren’t in a real relationship. We aren’t courting. We aren’t lovers. We are best friends… with benefits.

Fuck, this sucks.

I distract myself by reviewing the progress we made with the Duke of Crissomid yesterday, while I slide out of bed. He was staring at me quite a lot during our tour of the library, but I can’t quite be sure if he wasn’t just glaring. I think he was having fun dancing with Saoirse, but then again, his concentration face sometimes looks more like constipation, and I couldn't decide if he was just focused on the steps or trying to hold one in.

I’m being unfair. I’m being petty. Fionn really wasn’t as terrible as his first impression led me to believe he would be. I enjoy being with him even, I’m just letting my jealousy for his position get the best of me.

Which is completely uncalled for. I don’t need to be King. Politically speaking, I will continue to work more closely with Saoirse than Fionn due to my station as her advisor, particularly after she ascends to the throne. I don’t need to be married to her to share everything with her. I am truly happy with what I have.

Except one thing. Just one tiny detail I would change. I wish I could tell her I love her. I wish I was brave enough to just do it, heart be damned, consequences be damned. Who am I kidding myself by refusing my true feelings? If anything ever took me away from Saoirse, it wouldn’t hurt any less just because she is not really mine.

I continue thinking as I bathe, alone.

One more day before she becomes his wife. We haven’t talked about it, but I wonder if she intends to bed him on their wedding night. It’s been two weeks since her cycle, so will he insist in the interest of producing an heir? Does he even know to ask about such things?

My thoughts spiral as I dress, alone.

I know Saoirse can handle herself, but I can’t help but worry how everything might go down. Worry he might hurt her... or worse. Fionn is a large man and I have no doubt he could overpower her if he truly wanted to. But would he even need to? Would Saoirse even refuse? Why would she? Why do I care so much?

My chest squeezes uncomfortably as I style my hair, alone in the mirror.

Shit, I’ve never been this way before. I’ve never been jealous or overprotective. Maybe a little needy and insecure, but never resentful. Even when Saoirse was regularly sleeping with other men. Even when she was doing it without me. I didn’t care then. I shouldn’t care now. I don’t own her.

So why does this feel so different? I tell myself it is because Saoirse doesn’t want to be with him. This is different, because she chose those other relationships. She isn’t choosing this.

But I know that isn’t the only problem. As I eat breakfast alone, I know it is because I’m feeling left out. We didn’t agree to make Fionn just our sex partner, we agreed to make him fall in love with us. But we haven’t even said such things to each other. What’s going to happen when he finally does confess to either Saoirse or I? Will we say it back? Will it even be true? To have held the word in for so long, only to lie by telling it to someone else… that feels deeply wrong.

And now that we are pursuing him, what’s going to happen if he falls for Saoirse but not me? Will he accept all the parts of her, the “unfaithful” parts too? Or will he become jealous and possessive, like so many men do? I’m acutely aware of my own hypocrisy, but it was so much easier when we just planned to hate the guy and keep him at arm’s length. Yet, it has to be this way, we both know that we need a sustainable model where the duke accepts our relationship.

It might work if he loves her enough to accept me by extension, but the thought makes me uncomfortable. If they become lovers, while Saoirse and I continue as we always have... it just feels like she would be leaving me behind. Moving on to milestones with him that we can never have. Is that why I suggested a three-way relationship? In the hopes it would force Saoirse into confessing her feelings for me? Am I that insecure?

I tuck my small black notebook in my front coat pocket, the one I keep for Saoirse more than myself, and take a single calming breath. I can do this.

The castle is a buzz of activity, preparing for the wedding tomorrow. Servants rush to and fro setting up decorations along the main entryway, and visiting nobles who live too far to travel home after the party last night lounge in every nook and cranny. I greet them all by name, and each smile that turns my way lifts my spirits. I like making people happy, like making them feel noticed.

Lady Neasa, the tall, willowy wedding planner, stops me to ask questions about scheduling of tomorrow’s festivities. It’s not really in my job description to manage such things, but I make a few adjustments anyways, allowing the servants a bit more time to transition between the cathedral, where the ceremony will be held, to the ballroom for the reception. I enjoy the sense of purpose in organizing, and I like to think I’m good at it.

I spot Prince Alec looking around like a lost puppy, unsure what to do. I ask him to accompany me, backtracking to where I saw Lady Riona, a quiet girl visiting the castle with her father for the wedding. I inform them of their mutual interest in racing and smile as Prince Alec asks the young lady to accompany him for a ride. A sense of pride washes over me at a connection made.

Finally, my eyes land on Saoirse posed at the bottom of the grand staircase. My heart takes off like a racehorse, my mouth goes dry, my mind goes blank, my chest explodes with happiness. She is speaking with Lile, the head maid, pointing at a flower arrangement resting on the banister. She smiles at the maid as she leans in, resting her hand on the small of Lile’s back to whisper something in her ear. The poor woman blushes furiously, and I smirk, enjoying the sight of the two women so close together. I love seeing Sersh like this, so relaxed and flirtatious, but, damn, she is not being subtle.

I rush forward to interrupt Sersh before she does something stupid like kiss Lile in the middle of the great hall. “Good morning, Your Highness,” I greet formally with a slight bow.

“Gil!” she lights up when she sees me. “It is such a great morning! I was so exhausted after dancing all night I slept for almost seven hours!”

A pang stabs my heart, wondering if I would have woken up before her this morning, wondering if I missed my chance to watch her sleep. “That's wonderful, Your Highness,” I smile instead of expressing my insecurities. “The King suspended all Assembly meetings until after the wedding, so we have the whole day.”

“Perfect,” she beams. “Let’s go find Fionn and head to the library. I think a nice, relaxed day of reading is just what I need.”

I nod, feeling just a little bit disappointed that I wouldn’t be alone with her, but that is the last self-pitying thought I will allow myself today.

“Gil, can you translate this sentence for me? I can’t quite make it out.”

I lean over to see the text Sersh points out to me. “Ah, yes, I can see why it was giving you trouble. It’s an idiom that doesn’t have a good equivalent. Roughly, the author is saying the law had pros and cons in equal measure.”

“Thanks,” she flashes me a brilliant smile before settling back into her oversized chair overlooking the library’s chasm to continue reading.

However, I notice Fionn’s eyes trained on me over the edge of his book with unreadable intensity. “Is there something you need, Your Grace?” I ask.

“You speak ancient Galisch?” he inquires coolly.

“Speak it? Good Aed, no. My pronunciation is abismal and no matter how much my tutors made me practice, I could never get my mouth around some of those words.”

He sniffs at my response, his eyes darting back to the book in his lap. I settle back, trying to forget the Prince’s odd behavior as I continue studying, but a moment later, he interrupts my progress. “What was your education like?” he asks.

“Uh, do you mean as a child?”

He nods curtly rather than responding.

“I was taught primarily by private tutors,” I answer. I am confused when the prince’s eyelids droop, almost disappointed? “My father provided them at first,” I continue, “but eventually Saoirse and I shared them, because the King didn’t want too many living in the castle.”

“You lived in the castle as a child?”

Saoirse sets down her book to follow our conversation.

“Yes,” I answer slowly, unsure where he is going with this. “The King wanted Saoirse to have a permanent playmate, and my siblings were not the kindest to me at home,” I admit.

He purses his lips at that, a darkness spreading over his features momentarily. When I blink, it’s gone, as if it was never there. “And your siblings? Were they also taught by private tutors or did they go to school?”

“No, we were all privately taught for the most part, but my youngest brother attends the University in Crismond actually and my second sister is a merchant apprentice who’s been traveling with her master since she was twelve.”

He absorbs all this information with calm impassivity, before taking a beat to respond. “And do you think this is typical for most nobles to be educated privately, separate from the common class?”

“Well… to be honest, even wealthy merchants often choose to privately educate their children.”

He nods to my words, as if he expected as much. “Yes, it is a similar situation in Crismond,” he mumbles before returning just as quickly to his reading. I recognize the volume as the most recent copy of the regulations on childhood education, approved over three years ago.

As he relaxes back, I think that may be the end of his odd questions, but a half hour later he suddenly blurts out, “Yet there are subsidies to support farmers’ children going to school.”

“What was that, Your Grace?” I ask, utterly lost.

“We don’t have that in Crismond. Most noblemen are also trained by private tutors, but we don’t have any way for commoners to receive an education if they cannot afford their children leaving for school every day.”

“That’s… interesting,” I say diplomatically, trying to gauge his reactions. Does he think the difference is good or bad?

His face gives nothing away, but he grunts at my response, “Unfortunate is the word you were looking for.”

I stare, wide-eyed at him, but he isn’t even looking at me, just studying. Saoirse and I share an amazed glance. She shrugs to me, and I shake my head. The silence stretches. Fionn flips a page. Saoirse turns back to her Galisch. I eventually get lost again in my adventure novel. The plot is a bit predictable, but sometimes I need a little trash to balance out all the reports and ledgers I read.

“Gilroy?” I blink away the story, raising my head, but the prince is not looking at me. He is flipping back and forth between pages, as if searching for something. “What section of this legislation talks about the tenant layaway program? I just read it not thirty minutes ago, but lost it.”

“Uh, seven point nine,” I supply.

“Thanks.” He flips to the appropriate section without even giving me a second glance.

Saoirse and I lock eyes again as I mouth, “What the fuck?”

A wicked grin spreads across her face.