Chapter 17
-Wesley-
I had expected that Kirrill’s dad died, not that he…not that the man left him. And yet, Kirrill clearly still loves him a lot. Even after his father abandoned him; an eight year old child.
But I shouldn’t be surprised at this point by Kirrill’s capacity to love others. I’ve seen how he is with Kat, how no matter what she does, he’ll always love her.
Family means a lot to Kirrill, I can tell already. Even if he thinks he has no family.
Even if technically, he doesn’t have a family.
He has Kat, he has Miroslava, and he has me.
“You are always welcome in my family, you know that right? We’re always happy to see you, and we- everyone likes you, everyone wants you around. You know that, right?” I ask desperately, a sudden urge overcoming me when I feel the need to ensure that Kirrill knows how much we want him in our lives.
My family likes him a lot.
And obviously, I’m crushing hard on him.
But more than that, he’s my best friend.
He’s a lovely guy, whether he thinks so or not.
Kirrill strokes my cheek gently, smoothing his thumb across my skin softly. “How come you’re crying?” He chuckles, his hand warm and comforting. Shaking my head slightly, I shrug. “I have no idea,” I laugh, hugging Kirrill before I’m able to even stop myself. He just hugs me in return, stroking my back slowly.
“Thank you, Wesley. I really, really appreciate that,” Kirrill whispers, and I’m not entirely sure what he’s referring to - my offer, or the hug.
Part of me thinks it’s both.
“Your family is so welcoming, it’s crazy. I would’ve thought that they wouldn’t like me, but…whenever I see Jojo or Lula, or any of your siblings, it’s like- it’s like they are genuinely happy to see me. That’s- that’s so crazy to me,” Kirrill says with a laugh, but I know he’s not joking.
“You don’t think people would want to spend time with you?” I ask, a little sad that he’s no longer holding my hand or hugging me. Kirrill looks a little caught out by my question, probably not expecting me to challenge his statement.
Chewing on his lips for a brief moment, Kirrill runs his fingers across his tattooed knuckles. “I’m not- I’m not the best person, Wesley. I’ve done some really bad things, and I’ve hurt a lot of people. And not even for like, good reasons. I’m not a good person at all, unlike your family.”
Part of me doesn’t think that there is a good reason for hurting someone, but if my aunt’s abusive boyfriend got kicked in the nuts I would laugh in his face.
“I know. You’ve probably beaten up a lot of people, or threatened them, or done other bad stuff. But at your core…you’re not a bad person, Kirrill,” I forge onwards, truly believing the words I’m saying.
Kirrill is responsible for his actions, for the pain he’s caused others. And it does reflect on him as a person, but the world isn’t simple enough to say that based solely on these actions, Kirrill must be a bad person.
He’s not exactly a saint, but that doesn’t mean he’s automatically the devil.
“But…being around me…don’t I scare you?” Kirrill asks quietly, frowning slightly. Meeting his eyes, I shake my head. “No, you don’t,” I reply firmly. Clearly not expecting that answer, Kirrill’s face warms slightly with a gentle blush as he breaks my gaze.
“What about that one time then? I caused you to have a panic attack.”
Gently touching Kirrill’s cheek, I guide his gaze back to mine, bringing him home to me. “Didn’t Hettie mention it before? I don’t like violence. That scares me, not- not you.”
Kirrill’s eyes widen and he takes my hand in his ever so slowly. “The sight of violence causes you panic attacks?”
Nodding, I decide that now is as good a time as any to open up to Kirrill. Not about the abuse, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to bring myself to talk about that with someone other than Maddie, but…it doesn’t hurt to explain it, right?
“Something happened, a long time ago. And now, if I see any violence, even if it’s just in a film or something…breathing becomes hard and painful, and sometimes I get…memories. Flashbacks,” I explain slowly, giving Kirrill’s hand a gentle squeeze.
I’m not going to talk about my potential CPTSD, as it’s just a self-diagnosis anyway.
Kirrill squeezes my hand back, smoothing his thumb across the back of my hand. “Is there anything I can do to help? Other than just try to prevent you from being exposed to violence?”
Thinking for a moment, I shrug. “Not really. It’s kind of all on me to try and stop myself from having a panic attack,” I answer with a wry smile, chewing on my lips. Wanting to change topic, I give Kirrill’s hand another squeeze before letting go, moving slightly away from him. At some point, we managed to move even closer to each other on the sofa to the point that we were basically cuddling.
“So do you still not have a job, or…?” I prompt, pretty certain that my friend has a job that he’s just not telling me about.
Kirrill laughs, shaking his head. “Listen Wesley, I know that you know I still work for Kat, so there’s really not any point in pretending that I don’t.”
Nodding, I smile slightly. “So long as you work for her and not her shitty dad, then that’s cool. I just don’t want you risking your life for an asshole.”
His smile turns soft as Kirrill smiles down at his hands. “Soon, I won’t have to worry about that bastard ever again.”
I really hope that’s true.
—————
Parking my car, I prepare myself for all the inevitable questions I’ll be asked once I set foot back in my home. I stayed the night at Kirrill’s, which wouldn’t raise that many questions, if it wasn’t for the fact that Maddie is at home, and she knows I’m crushing hard on Kirrill.
Sneaking into the house, I quickly hurry to my room in the hopes that Maddie won’t have heard the front door. But of course: she heard it.
“And where exactly do you think you’re going, young man?”
Letting out a groan, I turn and stare at my older sister. “What do you want, Maddie?”
She smirks, grabbing me by the wrist and pulling me into her room, where she sits down on her bed, patting the space next to her.
“Just tell me what happened already! There’s literally no way that you guys didn’t at least kiss last night!”
Feeling my face heat up instantly at the thought, I shake my head vehemently. “What the fuck! No! We just- ok well we did cuddle and hold hands, but that- that’s normal friend stuff!”
Maddie slaps my arm, shaking her head. “Please Wes you have got to be joking me, right? Because yes, friends can cuddle and hold hands, but…I’ve literally walked in on you and him hugging before, and it’s like- the most romantic shit I’ve ever seen before. I seriously think Kirrill might like you back, I mean have you even seen how he looks at you?!”
Hope flowers in my heart, and for once I don’t try to crush it instantly. “There’s no way, Maddie. I’m pretty sure he’s aromantic, and relationships mean nothing to him. He’s just a really friendly guy,” I remind her.
Maddie lets out a groan, shaking her head. “No seriously, Wes. Because I’ve seen platonic relationships before, and what you guys have- that isn’t it. Just don’t- don’t dissuade the possibility, ok? That’s all I’m asking.”
Thinking it over for a moment, I nod slowly. It’s not like my feelings are going to vanish any time soon, so I might as well let myself have them.
Comments (23)
See all